Tag Archives: together

Day 407: Avoidance

In this blog I will open up avoidance – especially in relationships because that is where it has happened recently for me.

Avoidance – a void dance – is an interesting word, with a sound structure that quite clearly indicates what it is all about. In our inner worlds, things can be suppressed, however, that is not possible in our external realities, and as such, if there are things we want to keep away (keep void) we will have to avoid them. And to avoid them, usually we have to do a little dance. Not a dance in the literary sense, rather a figurative, manipulative dance, where we come up with a reason that justifies us not meeting, establishing contact/interacting with the point.

For me, avoidance has opened up in my relationship, and that especially since my partner and I had our first child. And the point I have avoided have been moments of intimacy/sharing/closeness. Before, we used to have ample opportunity, and oceans of time to commit to such activities. Now, when we have a child, those moments where we are able to come together, without our daughter stealing our attention away from each other, can only happen in but a few moments throughout the day. Hence, when those moments do come through, we have to act. And unfortunately, that is when I have made the decision to instead avoid.

And see – as a parent – that also works long hours during the weekdays – there is always a solid reason that can be used to justify avoidance – ‘I am tired’. However – what I have come to see, realize and understand is that even though this tiredness might be real – it does not validate me not pushing through and willing myself to interact and have a moment of intimacy with my partner. Because me not pushing through – but rather using the tiredness as a reason to not meet up – that is avoidance.

Thus – what I want to practice in my life is to stop avoidance and replace it with ‘meet/approach’ – or rather – INITIATIVE – where I instead of waiting – avoiding – and trying to move away from what is here to be faced and directed – take on the point and move myself forward.

Practically speaking, I see that I am able to live this word by initiating moments with my partner, when I do see that there is time/opportunity to do so, where we do things together similar to how we did it when we did not child together. And while this might be challenging and tiring – I will have to push through and initiate – even though I do not feel like it. Here, I also see that I have to take the fact into account, that things will not be like when we did not have a child, it is not possible to return to the past. However, I can still push to create moments of connection/meeting under the new circumstances that we find ourselves within – it will be different – though the purpose and starting point will be the same – to meet/interact and come together.


Learn more about this way of living

Day 309: Learning Cooperation

Since childhood I have experienced a resistance towards helping others when they ask, especially if I am at that moment doing something that I enjoy. For example, I might be sitting down writing, or playing guitar, and then someone comes into my room and asks me if I am able to run an errand for them. I will experience resistance in that moment; and usually what happens is that I will tell the person ‘not now!’ – and then continue doing what I am doing.

This way of approaching favors, and services has its roots in my childhood. When I was young I had many experiences where I would sit in my room, back then, primarily playing video games, and my parents would come storming in, often irritated, and demand of me that I do some form of chore in the house – and if I did not do it immediately they would threaten to turn off my computer, and sequester it until I do. These events were traumatic for me, because I would in one moment be sitting with and enjoying myself, then in the next moment everything would change and instead I would be demanded to do something I did not particularly want to do – NOW; and this created an experience within me of feeling invaded.

Now, I am soon thirty years old, and still I experience this feeling of being invaded the moment someone enters into my life and, while I am busy with other stuff, asks me to do something. And another interesting thing is that I will most of the times believe that they want me to do something NOW, while they sometimes do not have a specific time in mind.

I have realized that this pattern and experience of feeling invaded each time someone asks me to do something for him or her must now be directed. It influences me not only at home, but also at my work, where I will feel slightly aggravated and annoyed with each assignment or task that is added to my plate. It is common sense that we all have to do things we do not necessarily like, and that we had not initially planned on doing. Things can come up, and tasks might be proving to be too big for one individual to deal with by himself or herself. There are a myriad of reasons as to why someone would need my help; and it is not an invasion that is happening – it is simply someone asking me to do something for them.

I do not loose myself by for a moment, stopping what I am doing, and then moving myself to do something else, which I might not necessarily want to do, but that I see is important and relevant. I can always get back to what I was doing later on, and if I do have a tight schedule and I am sitting with something that I must get done now, I can communicate this, and then make a plan to help out later on. For communities to effectively work we MUST help each other, I have skills that others does not have, and they have skills I do not have, some are strong, some are intelligent, some are fast, others not, and when we share our skills and time with one another, we create added value for each other. If we only tend to our own interests, projects, and desires, the consequence is that we will limit ourselves. Cooperation is one of those awesome expressions that will add value to everyone involved. Together we can do more than we are able to do alone.

Another aspect of this is that many times what is asked of me, it does not only concern the other person but also me. For example, cleaning the house, this is something that will support me as well. Feeding the cats and making sure that they have sufficient with food and water, this is something that must be done, and it does not matter who does it. Feeling invaded and attacked clouds me from seeing the positive effects that can come out of taking the action asked of me, and how it can influence my world positively as well.

I can conclude that helping each other out is really important, being able to work together is important, and that cannot happen if one of the parties feels invaded every time a favor is asked. However, this does not mean that I should do EVERYTHING asked of me – it is important to make sure that I do have the practical space and time required to deal with my own responsibilities as well. It is not worth it to compromise my own commitments; a solution here would instead be to, as I shared earlier, make a plan and schedule a time for helping later on when this do not compromise my other responsibilities.

Solution

What are then the solutions? I have already touched on them: It would be to stop this experience of feeling invaded the moment it comes up – simply STOP – then to instead listen to what is asked of me, and unconditionally assess whether I am able to, or not, at this time, assist and support. And if I am able to, I have the time, to simply get up and move myself to help, remembering that I will be able to return to what I was doing later on – and that I am adding value to my life and the life of another. If I however do not have the time, then I can schedule one, and also explain to the person why I cannot help them at this moment.

Day 148: Realizing My Responsibility

I am continuing to expand on the commitments that I made – and today I am going to show how I’ve practically lived and applied in my life the commitment of: Realizing that by the virtue of me being in this world – my responsibility does not only extend to my own Mind / my own Life, but to the minds and lives of everything and everyone of this earth and so my commitment is to extend this awareness to all of humanity to work together and live together to make this world heaven on earth for ourselves and the generations to come

This particular commitment implies a movement, a action, the living of a decision to place myself out there, to look at how and where I can place myself in this world to have an impact – in other words taking active responsibility for not only myself but the future of this world, humanity, earth, the animals and the world-system we as human beings live and exist within.

Early in my process I realized that in order for change to come through in this world, as well as in my personal life, I require to work together with others, I require to align myself with a group of people that hold the same intention as me, and then walk with them, and utilize the supportive environment of a group to strengthen, motivate, and make my presence in this life more powerful and impactful – accordingly I aligned myself with the group of Desteni – and through walking with the group of Desteni I have actively and on a regular basis involved myself in group projects wherein I’ve together with others pushed to birth an awareness of the reality we as humanity are facing on this earth and in ourselves.

One of the Desteni projects that have had an significant impact both in my own personal life as well as in the life’s of others has been writing my Journey to Life blog – because through writing this blog I have made sure that the principle of acting and living what is best for all, as well as the support tools of self-forgiveness and self-writing, have been placed out there for others to take part of and within that see with their own eyes that there is in-fact a solution to the problems of this world – and that this solution exists within ourselves = its the decision to change, and live our fullest potential, and in a practically speaking, give as we’d like to receive and make that our guiding principle in everything we do.

Apart from my commitment to walk with the Desteni group, I have in my personal life made the decision to study law, and embark on a career where I know that I can have a significant impact – I have understood that I do only have this ONE life, and that the only way I can live this ONE life within honor and self-respect is to make sure that ACT and MOVE myself to correct the horrific and gruesome world we as humanity have managed to create – I have within that understood that in order to have any sort of influence, I require money, and I require to position myself at a point where others will take me seriously.

Thus, I have given up my self-interested desire of what ‘I want to do in life’ – and rather opted for a empowering education and a practical career through which I will be able to enlarge the ambit of my influence in this world – not because it’s the ‘Right’ thing to do – but because its my responsibility – and because its what I’ve wanted anyone else to do for me if they were in my position – because the simplicity of the situation is that this world as it functions currently is unacceptable and to realize this but still not do anything would be a complete abdication of all integrity – and that is not something I am willing to do – thus I give up this one lifetime – in order to bring forth Heaven On Earth.

To sum up, one can say that the essence of how I’ve lived and applied this commitment, is that I’ve given up my preferences, my desires, my wants, my hopes, and dreams, and instead steered myself into groups, responsibilities, and activities where I have or will have an impact, where I can contribute, and where I can practically and realistically speaking make a difference in the life of another, as well as in my own life.