Tag Archives: try

Day 360: Certainty Must Come From Within

Purpose and clarity as to what I am going to do, who I am going to be, what direction that I will take on and live, what future I will create, that is a desire that has arisen within me frequently over the last years. In-fact, it has been a recurring point since my teenage years – the urge and desire to have a clearly defined path for myself.

I am not sure exactly when it began, however I have since long had a tendency to want one point that I can aim to accomplish – one interest – one hobby – one part of my life – that I want to bring to its full potential and master so completely that I know it by heart. I used to be comfortable doing things for no particular reason but that I enjoyed doing it, though slowly that  changed. For example, when I started playing computer games, it was because I enjoyed it a lot. In-fact I found it amazingly fun, and I would play game after game. Then, something changed. I began to deliberately focus on becoming ‘good’ at a particular games, and ‘better than’ others. Competition became part of my gaming experience, and now it was not anymore a question of me enjoying myself, it was now about taking it to the next level, so that I could win. I did this with many games – I continued to play them even though I did not necessarily like them, because I was good at them, and I wanted to win.

The same happened with other interests, usually they began as unconditional and innocent projects that I would take on and enjoy with all of my heart – then – they would change and become a way to achieve victory.

As I have progressed through life, this tendency of becoming obsessed with one project, one movement, one drive, has morphed and changed and spilled over into purpose, and have thus become a way of achieving certainty. This metamorphosis has definitely been fueled by the world system, where there are continuously stories promoted about people that seemingly only have one point of purpose in their life, that they follow religiously, and are through that able to achieve success. Making sure that we have a fixed route, we know where we are going, we know what we will do, for me, that has become a way of creating stability and certainty, believing that I need to know my place in my external reality to be stable, and to know myself.

Obviously, this idea of life and purpose is limited. It is limited because in placing our focus and attention on the external reality, we miss that it is not our external reality that determines who we are, it is us that determines our external reality – it is us that decide who we are – and this WHO WE ARE is in turn reflected by our external reality. That principle is the key to any form of creation – it is the key to understanding why our creations sometimes falter, why they other times work out perfectly, and why our life looks the way it looks.

Thus – I see, realize and understand, that my focus, instead of being placed at developing my external reality, first and foremost must be placed at developing/creating/refining my inner reality – and from that will naturally flow a direction as I stand stable within myself and move in breath. Life cannot be predicted beforehand, it must be lived and directed in the moment. Life can only become a certainty, when we stand with certainty within ourselves – and hence there is no point to look for a purpose or clarity out there – unless we have established that for ourselves. It all begins with self, every time.


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Day 176: Annoyed With Whiners

A point that I’ve realized brings up a reaction of annoyance within me is people that find problems, and issues with things.

What I’ve seen is that, when someone brings up a problem, or issue, something that they feel is weighing down their life, I think that: “That isn’t such a big deal! Come on, it’s nothing, just get over it!” – What I am doing is that, inside my mind, I blame, and judge this other individual for being what I perceive to be, all to weak, and fragile; I see them as a whiner, and as such, as someone that brings negativity into my world, and focuses on what doesn’t work, instead of how to make things work.

So, the question I’d like to ask myself is, where does this reaction come from?

I see that it holds two dimensions, on the one hand, I find that I’ve myself gone to the other extreme, where I mostly accept the conditions of my environment, and live with it even though it’s not optimal – and so I cope with what I find to be dislikable, instead of finding a solution, and a way to arrange my reality, so that it’s not as uncomfortable – this is as such my coping-character, my “soldier”-character – a way of living wherein I perceive it as a trait of strength and power to be able to handle and live with bad conditions. Obviously though, such a trait, although useful in some situations, will lead to self-compromise in others, wherein I accept my world, and reality to be in a lesser state of condition, than what it has to be potential for – and that is obviously not cool.

The other dimension I see in relation to this point, is that I myself tend to focus on the problem, instead of actively focusing on solutions – thus – I myself tend to whine about things that doesn’t work, which is something that I live out in the form of blame – placing the responsibility unto someone else instead of taking responsibility for it myself – thus this is something I must re-direct, to as such make sure that I myself take responsibility for the problems that enter my world, and make sure that I find solutions, instead of ending up in blame, and then not finding, or directing the point to a solution whatsoever. I mean, it’s obvious that I require to find a solution for the points in my world, and blame will not do that for me, blame will only put me in a position of being angry at everyone else for things not working as I’d like them to, which doesn’t change, or help, or assist with anything at all.

These are the two points I will look deeper into with self-forgiveness today:

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become annoyed with another when and as this person is sighing, and within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see, and define sighing as a weakness that is somehow coming into and affecting my world, and my state of being, and that it’s as such something that people should keep to themselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to sighing in becoming annoyed, and irritated, and start thinking about how I perceive this other person to be very weak, as well as whining, and complaining on their environment, and the conditions of their life, instead of directing the points, and actively doing something about it, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see it as wrong, and as something bad to complain, and to become affected by the conditions of one’s environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as something isn’t very effective, or good in my environment, and something clearly isn’t working, to simply endure the discomfort, and try to live with it as best as I can, instead of actively doing something about the point, to change my environment to become more friendly, and workable, and better for me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress reactions, and instances within myself, where I see that my environment isn’t optimally supporting me, through thinking that I am able to endure the point – instead of in that moment looking for a solution in how I am able to change my environment and world to become more supportive for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and become annoyed and irritated with another when sighing, thinking that they are being lazy, and rather complaining about their lives, and the problem it contains, instead of doing something about them to change them, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this reaction is showing me that I am doing the same to myself, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when things aren’t working, to instead of taking responsibility for them, and directing them to a solution, blame my world, and environment for not being in a way that I feel is supportive for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect, and want my environment to change according to my moods, and within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to as a child, develop the misconception that, I am able to manipulate, and control, and direct my world by the means of my emotions, and that when I am sour, or angry, this will push my world to change – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the system doesn’t work within these parameters, that for the system emotions are irrelevant and don’t mean anything, and as such, if I do want a change in my life, it’s not enough that I become emotion about it, I actually have to will, and live the change, and physically move myself to establish a change in my world, and physically develop solutions for myself in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my world when things are tough, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my world is somehow personally attacking me, and making my life difficult, as some form of vendetta, or personal judgment, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the system is in-fact utterly impersonal, that the system doesn’t really care whatsoever, and that the only one making it personal, and making it emotional, that is me: And as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop myself from making points that are difficult and hard emotional – and instead walk through them as what they are – physical points that requires a physical direction – that I must deal with and take by the horns – and that I can’t accept and allow to take control of and power of my life – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the decision in me to move myself out of my mind and into the physical through not anymore taking my life personally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am entitled to feel emotional when and as things get tough in my world, and that I am somehow right to feel hurt, and to feel angry, and blame, and whine about my world, and how it’s currently functioning, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am as a matter of fact not punishing, or making life difficult for anyone else but myself, I am the only one that is creating suffering, and havoc for myself through not accepting and allowing myself to remain stable, and without emotions in my daily life, and living, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop this constant attempt to take revenge on the system through blame, and instead take responsibility, and realize that responsibility is the only way out, it’s the only solution – it’s the only way to end the circle of blame and in-fact move towards a solution that will work for everyone involved

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify me becoming annoyed and vexed when and as someone is sighing, or complaining on their environment, through thinking that this is something that I would never do, and that becoming frustrated at them will teach them a lesson to not do this in the future, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that I am limiting, and making myself inferior, through accepting and allowing myself to react to this pattern of complaining, and sighing, not realizing that it’s merely a pattern, it’s not something personal, it’s not something devious, and bad that I must protect myself from through reacting towards the point, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not instead ask the other person, what they are going through, what they experience, to instead of blaming, and becoming annoyed, understand and get to know what is happening, and why it’s happening

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it’s not solution to become annoyed, and irritated at whining, complaining and sighing, because within this I don’t accept and allow myself to see where I am living out this same pattern, as well as how I can support and assist another to move through their experience of themselves, because when I get angry and annoyed the point feels as if it is a personal attack towards me, and as such something that I must protect and defend myself from, something that I must make sure doesn’t come to close to me, and my life, because apparently, if it does, it will wreak havoc on my inner life, and world, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it’s merely energy, it’s merely a reaction, and nothing that I have to make anything more than that

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am becoming annoyed, and irritated with another because they are complaining, or sighing, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that complaining, whining and sighing is not bad things, and it’s not things that will have a negative effect on me unless I immediately push them away, it’s instead simply patterns of living and reacting towards one’s environment, and as such I commit myself to stop the reactions, and instead, when there is an opportunity, get to know the reactions, ask the person what they are going through, look at what possible solutions there are, and how I am able to assist and support another to move through the reaction and instead look at the situation in the search of solutions

When and as I see that my environment isn’t supportive for me, and that it can become much better, but I disregard this fact, and instead attempt and try to endure my environment, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that it’s not effective solution to try to endure what is here, and that I should obviously rather look for solutions and ways in which I am able to change and direct my environment to become more supportive for me, and to become more aligned with my life, and living so that I am able to create a world, and a life for myself that is more effective, and supportive, and enjoyable; and thus I commit myself to instead act and look for solutions and ways to make my life easier and better – instead of enduring with what isn’t effective and what isn’t working