Tag Archives: uncertainty

Day 315: Missing Me In My Decisions

Today I had a listen to two interviews on Eqafe:

These two interviews are about points that we face when it comes to big decisions, such as deciding upon a career, where to live, or what relationship to go into. The primary experience that is discussed is the fear of making the wrong decision, where this experience comes from,  how, and why it is created.

I can now see that the one point holding me back from seeing with clarity is that I do not accept and allow myself to consider MYSELF in the decisions that I make. It is easy for me to make a decision, set a goal, and then will myself to achieve it, without asking myself, and looking within myself at what it is that I would actually want – or rather – what would be BEST for me? What would ENHANCE and EMPOWER me? What would make me BEST for and as myself?

For example, when it comes to looking at my future, I have not asked myself what direction would best fit my beingness, my way of expressing and sharing myself, and instead, I have looked at the practicalities, and the practicalities only. There is also my relationship with myself to consider, and this relationship is not based solely on what is practical, there is something more to it, and that more is WHO I AM as a being, how I genuinely express and experience my life.

I am grateful that I have been able to now see, and define from where this reaction of uncertainty arise, because it reveals a lot. I can see how this way of approaching life arise from inflexibility, ideals, ideas, and judgments towards myself, where I do not consider WHO I AM, but rather make a logical assessment in my mind of where I should go, and then start creating my life according to that. And possibly, this is also why I many times change my mind, because I am not FULLY here in what I am doing. I have not accepted and allowed myself to also look at MY relationship to the point, WHO I AM, in relationship to my life, my career, and other decisions that arise in my daily living.

There is a solution, and that is to when I look at future play-outs, and I notice the fear of making a wrong decision come up within me, that I then stop myself, take a breath, and ask myself: Who am I within this? Does this fit, enhance, support and develop me and my being? Is this where I want to go and where I see myself being and becoming the best that I can become?

Day 299: Anxiety and Fear When I Am In The Center of Everyone’s Attention

Today a situation played out at work where I for a moment was in the center of everyone’s attention. This brought a emotion of feeling uncertainty, insecurity, and anxiety – because when I am in the center of attention – I have this tendency to think about how I am perceived and seen by others.

I have written about this point before, and also been able to change and direct this experience during a couple of instances, and now I fell, which was a bit disappointing to me. As the point was playing out, I did have a vague inner voice saying that I can correct my experience by placing my attention and focus on breath, and also apply self-forgiveness. However, that inner vague voice never materialized, as I did not act on it. And afterwards, I was sitting with this experience in myself; why did I not change, or direct this experience within me?

Hence, in this blog I am going to work with this experience further, and also clarify a couple of points to myself, and also for you, the reader as well. Firstly, what defines me is not the fall in itself, rather it is WHO I AM after the fall, and what actions I decide to walk to support myself to transcend and learn to direct the experience. Thus, in this case, I am sitting down to write out the experience, investigate it, learn from it, and eventually learn to direct it.

Secondly, I can either look at a fall as something to resent, OR, I can use a fall to my advantage – and utilize it to expand myself in my process of self-creation. This is what I am doing here through writing this blog, I am standing up within myself, saying to myself, that this experience and way of interacting with other people is not something that I wish to have as a part of my character – instead I want to be able to be in the center of attention and remain STABLE, CALM, SELF-DIRECTED, in SELF-CERTAINTY and SELF-CONFIDENCE, and be RELAXED and at EASE in my physical body. That is the vision I see for myself, and what I want to establish in my life when it comes to social interactions, and when it comes to being in the center of attention.

That being established, lets look at the specifics of this moment particular moment. I can see that the origin point, the underlying issue is in-fact self-judgment. This self-judgment is then projected unto others and takes shape in backchat such as; “What do others think about me?” – “What do others see in me?” – “Do others like me or not?” – and so forth. It also takes the shape of uncertainty, because in judging myself, I am trying to be something or someone that I hope can be accepted by another, and looking at it more deeply, actually accepted by myself.

I can see this judgment towards myself coming up when it comes to establishing relationships with others. Because, when it comes to for example, deciding to meet another, and that person does not immediately show up on time; I will have backchat come up that this person does not like me, that I have done something wrong, that I have not acted properly, that they have in some way decided to push me out of their lives because they are not content with me. Hence, this shows that on a deep level within me, I do not see or recognize my own value, I do not accept myself as being valuable. And that is why I feel so happy and positive when people seem to take a liking to me, because in my twisted self-image, I do no see myself as worthy of such a relationship.

What is the solution?

It is quite simple; practice self-acceptance and valuing myself – RECOGNIZING and SEEING the value in myself. Giving myself recognition for my strengths, skills, and abilities, and for the integrity that I have developed throughout this process. There is much more to me than I admit, a unassailable value that I have not allowed myself to embrace and stand with – as I have seen myself as flawed and imperfect. That is what must change.

So, a solution can be, that when I notice this anxiety, stress and uncertainty come up within me – that I state within myself my qualities for which I am genuinely proud – such as: Discipline, Integrity, Openness, Loyal, Curious, Investigative, Questioning, Expressive, Spontaneous, Specific, Focused, Detailed, and Structured – these are qualities that I see and recognize in myself and for which I value myself.

And thus – it is a matter of continuously stopping this self-abuse of focusing on my flaws and weaknesses, and also seeing my positive and strong sides. And then also, to accept my bad sides, to not try to hide or suppress the fact that I do have weaknesses, but to accept and embrace the entirety of me. Because suppression does not work, and real self-change cannot take place unless I allow myself to SEE what it is within me that is required to be changed and directed.

Day 246: The art of decision making

Oftentimes we hear how it’s good to vent ourselves – that it’s apparently healthy to clear the air, get everything out there, speak it as it is, and show what is really going on. And in theory this might be great, because we can discuss what is really going on – though in practical reality this approach more often than not leads to consequences.

hand-457335_640The real problem is when we start to speak about decisions, and points that we think about, which we ourselves are not yet clear on. For example, we have a reaction towards person X, and this reaction is an irritation, then we go speak to person Y about a decision we’re considering due to this reaction. Problem is that, on top of it being a reaction, we experience a conflict within ourselves towards the decision, because on a deep level we know that the point isn’t clear, it doesn’t come from a point of stability, and common sense reasoning – so we turn to person Y to guide us and prep us emotionally so we feel comfortable making the decision we believe to be right. This, INSTEAD of accepting and allowing ourselves to FIRST look at the point, stabilize, and only THEN go to another to discuss, and cross-reference the facts, which we’ve found.

If we go and speak with person Y, without being clear, a lot of shit can unfold – amongst other things we can influence person Y to in turn make a decision based on our emotionally contaminated information, or we receive advice that isn’t clear, and effective, due to our own uncertainty and biased position, and accordingly we make a decision that supports our emotional experience, instead of making a practical decision that supports who we are as a being, as life. And on top of this we set ourselves up to lose our point of self-honesty, and access to who we are as stability, because instead of clearing the reaction, and finding out what we’d really like to do – the problem is that we try to emulate a sense of direction through utilizing feelings and emotions.

So, what I’ve found in my own process is that I have a tendency to want to cement a particular direction in life through creating within me an a experience of certainty, a feeling of certainty. Hence, when an EXPERIENCE of uncertainty comes up within me, what I’ve done is that I go and talk to someone, to get some form of comforting advice, to through that generate and create the feeling of certainty again. The fascinating point here is that I base my future, my decisions, and my direction on a feeling of certainty or an emotion of uncertainty, instead of seeing the practical pros and cons of my direction. See, basing a decision on what is practical – this doesn’t require any feeling whatsoever, no emotion, no feeling, it’s instead simply seeing the physical, and the potential future playouts, looking at the consequences of these and how they might affect me – and then making a decision on the basis of these.

Thus, the limitation is to want to have a feeling of certainty, because why do we require such a feeling to trust ourselves in relation to the decisions we make for ourselves? Do we have to have a feeling in order to be able to eat? Must we feel a sense of trust that the food we eat is going to nourish and support our physical bodies? No – because in terms of food, we know that it’s a physical act, and that when we eat, regardless of our experience towards the decision to eat, it’s something that’s going to have certain physical effects, and that is why we decide to do it. The same goes for all other decisions, at the end of the day, they are practical, physical decisions, and it doesn’t have to feel right, it just has to be a decision that is practical and effectively aligned – that is all that is required.

What I see for myself, as such, is that I am going to will myself to before I approach another in terms of discussing a decision that I wish to make, to first sit down with myself and walk through the pros and cons – and ONLY look at the practical sides of the decision – because that is really the only thing that matters. What I feel about a decision, that is irrelevant, because it won’t have any form of meaning, and will not change a thing in terms of how I walk about, and create my life in this physical world and reality – and that is the truth.

To summarize this blog, there are two important points to take into account in terms of decisions: 1) Be clear or at least be clear on the points your unclear about when discussing a decision with another 2) Don’t base your decisions on a feeling of right, and don’t accept and allow yourself to be bothered by a feeling that something is wrong with a decision – instead stick to what is practical – because that is trustworthy and dependable.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be swayed inside of myself in relation to decisions that I make, have made, or wish to make, through basing myself and who I am in relation to these decisions on emotions and feelings of uncertainty and certainty – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I don’t have to change my direction just because an experience comes up within me of either uncertainty or certainty – because these feelings and emotions are in-fact not relevant – they aren’t in-fact physical assessments of the situation that I am in – it’s only a feeling – and thus I commit myself to base my decision on facts – on the practical pros and cons – and not accept and allow myself to be swayed to change or make a decision on the basis of a experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust feelings of certainty, and uncertainty, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make these experiences the primary force in my decision making processes – where I instead of valuing, and seeing the practical sides of the decision that is before me – look at, and become obsessed with the experience side of the decision that is before me – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand to what extent I am in-fact limiting myself when I am holding unto this perspective in life – because instead of supporting myself to stabilize, and work with what is real – I go into a illusion and try to live my life from within and as that very illusion – not realizing that I can’t ever live effectively when my focus is on that which isn’t real, and doesn’t matter anyway

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to evaluate the decisions I have made, and the decisions I plan to make according to how I feel about them, and evaluate how I should move and direct myself in the future according to how I feel about my future – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the simple common sense that – a decision is a practical point – it’s a physical act – and not something that has to do with feelings – and some goes with the future – the future is a practical point – a physical act that will occur – and thus it’s irrelevant how I feel about it – what’s important is the physical, and practical steps – the actuality of what is here – that is the relevant point to look at and thus the relevant point to work with and base my decisions on

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself wanting to go talk to someone about a decision that I am not clear on, because I feel certain, or uncertain, and because I wish to strengthen one of these experiences, I stop, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I require to slow down, and first of all – look at the point myself – and be clear within myself before I open my mouth and invite others to participate in giving me advice and looking at the decision – and thus I commit myself to look at my decisions rationally – using the pros and cons method – the pros and cons list – and then following through on the assessment that I make in relation to this pros and cons list – and asking for advice in relation to practical points that I am not certain about and that I see I could use support and assistance for me to clarify

When and as I see myself basing my direction, and future in relation to a certain decision, on how I feel about it – as to whether I feel comfortable with it, or uneasy with it, and then start re-thinking my decision, and going over it again, because my feeling about it changed, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this way of approach decisions is not supportive, and it’s not effective for me – because what should matter is the physical, what is actually going on in my life, what is actually and in-fact here – not what I feel should or shouldn’t be here – because that is what is relevant – and that is what I should move myself in relation – and through doing that – I will have an effective decision that is aligned with my physical world – and thus I commit myself to look at the physical aspects of my decision and NOT how I feel about it, not what I think about it, rather the physical facts – because that is what will have a direct impact and influence on me and the decision I am making or that I have already made

Day 217: Fear of loosing my job

Fear of being FIRED – this a point that came up today and I will look closer on it in this blog.

Thus – for context: I’m working a distance job – and in order to register the time I’ve put into my work I log on to a website and type in what service I’ve given and for how long. This usually performs without any hiccups – yet today – there was suddenly an issue – I couldn’t log in to my account.

This then triggered the thought within me of: “Oh no! I’m probably fired! They don’t want me anymore!” – and this initial thought was fueled by some memories of how some weeks ago I didn’t perform a certain service as effectively as I was able to do. Thus – fear came emerged – and then the train of thought continued.

From the initial thought of “Oh no I will be fired” it then progressed into imagining what kind of effects this could potentially have for the rest of my life and career in this type of business – would anyone ever hire me again after? Could I still use this employer as a reference when I applied for new jobs, or would only be able get a statement saying “Under no circumstances should you hire this person!” – thus an entire life panned out in my head – with apparently vast and disastrous consequences for my future.

So – it’s interesting to see how fear works, and also how the mind use various strings of information to tailor a story that seems reasonable – and that is intended to entice more reactions – more fear – more anxiety – thus making some in reality totally unrelated events – completely interdependent and life changing.

Though – the matter of fact is that I have NO idea why I couldn’t log in to register my times. I’ve no idea what my employer thinks of me and how he considers the work that I’ve done with regards to the mistakes I made some weeks ago – my entire image of fear is based on one thing – ASSUMPTION – and even though it would be real – it’s a total exaggeration that my entire career and future in this business would be forever destroyed – I mean – if that would be the case – that you could only ever do one mistake in your career before you’re shunned from the entire system of money – then NOBODY would have a job – and NOBODY would be able develop their career – because failure and mistakes are a natural and unavoidable part of living.

Rather – an effective way of handling this situation would’ve been to breathe – and await the response of my employer – to see what the problem might be – and if it’s indeed so that I’m fired – to then start looking for solutions and how I can direct the situation – finding what ways and opportunities I’m able to utilize to move forward instead of going into a paralyzing and unnecessary fear that doesn’t do me any good in terms of handling what is before me.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear that I will loose my job and loose my income – and loose my future in terms of money and career – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become and exist within and as a state of worry that I will not be able to sustain myself and those closest to my in my coming life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine and project before me a worst possible outcome – where I project this idea that I will have a enormous difficulty attaining a job – and I will probably not be able to sustain myself in this life and create a career for myself – because I’m not able and sufficiently effective to satisfy the needs of a potential employer – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear towards making money – and developing a career for myself in the system – and believing that my entire life is and will be dependent upon this point of me getting effective referrals from this particular employer

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see things in black and white – to believe that failing in this one job will have disastrous consequences for my entire future – and that there will be nothing I’m able to do in order to correct and direct the situation – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear – in-fact a form of self-distrust – thinking that I don’t have the necessary skills and abilities to deal with and direct my life in a effective manner – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to fear – instead of standing stable within and as my human physical bodybreathing – and directing myself to deal with my life here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within this inner polarity with regards to money and work – where I on the one hand foresee a future where I’ve the perfect employment – the perfect job – the perfect life overall – and on the one hand – me having no job whatsoever – and that it’s impossible for me to find a job and create a living for myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to polarize my future through seeing it through two extreme outflows as either extremely positive – or extremely negative – as either having the perfect life – or having the least desirable life that can be lived

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I can’t make a career – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value in having a career – to place value in having a job and in earning money – and believe that the amount of money that I earn – and the position of the job that I have will determine who I am – and it will determine my effectiveness in this world with regards to creating my life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my creative powers in relation to money and job – instead of accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that my creative powers will not be limited by the job I have – but that I am the determining factor as to how I will stand in relation to self-creation in this life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through believing that I’m only as good as – and only as effective as the amount of money that I have – or the type of job that I have – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I’m severely limiting my prospects and possibilities through defining all of myself and my creative potential in relation to the type of job that I have and the amount of money that I earn – instead of bringing the point of creation back to and as myself – and seeing, realizing and understanding that it will be up to me to create myself – that it will be up to me to fulfill myself – that it will be up to me to make the decisions as to who I am and what I will create with my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pan out in my mind this long story of how me loosing this job will affect the rest of my entire life – that it will limit all of my options and my continued existence severely and that there will be nothing I can do about it – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this perspective of life is in-fact totally ineffective – how it’s also not true – because I will be here with myself all of my life – and that in every moment – every day – there are possibilities and opportunities and gifts for me to expand – for me to move myself – for me to create myself and my life – and that thus – I can’t hold unto this very limiting idea that apparently all of my and my future will be determined by these external events – rather I see, realize and understand that I must trust myself – and realize that I am the creator of my life and not my job and not my money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I would enter into a future consisting of the worst case scenario – that I would be hopeless and helpless to change and alter the situation – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself that I will be able to change and direct my life – and move my life in an effective direction and look for solutions – to walk into solutions and ways to solve problems – and that this is a ability that I can cultivate and always have with me regardless of how things play out in my life – and that I know that I will steadfastly walk to find solutions – not flinch or hesitate or give up – but rather say to myself that I will move – I will direct myself – I will walk through this and create my life regardless of what I’m facing

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into fear towards the future, because I fear that I will face a future where I loose money and career, and opportunities, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I determine my future – that I decide my life – that it’s not my career, my job or my money that will be my primary assets – it’s WHO I AM – and thus I commit myself to in that moment stop – and say – okay if I face this future – I will stand by myself – I will continue to walk and I will find solutions – and I will not give up upon myself or my life – I will instead motivate myself to create myself and realize that I’ve the power to do that

When and as I see that I am going into fear and anxiety over loosing my job, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that loosing my job is possible in this world – though that shouldn’t be what determines who I am – and what I do in this life – because obviously the primary point of creation in my life is WHO I AM – it’s who I decide to be and approach life and situations that I am facing – thus I commit myself to embrace the possibility that I might loose my job – yet in that stand stable – and say to myself – and live the point – that if I do – I trust myself to direct my life to find a solution that is effective and best for all – to not give up or give in to fear – but to move myself and establish myself in life

Day 198: Towards The Future!

Towards the future! A tendency that I’ve noticed when I consider plans for my future is that there will be definitive experience of ‘right and wrong’ – meaning: There will be an idea of what is correct and what is incorrect – there will be a path of what I want to choose and walk down – and there will be a path that I don’t want to choose – and that I don’t want to walk down. The problem comes in with regards to how I’ve designed these paths – because they’re based upon desires and fears – they’re mostly not very practical – and because there is such a definitive ‘right and wrong’ to them – this causes conflict within me.

So, let’s bring this into context: Next year I’m going to be done with my law-studies and before I go into the court to do my two years of traineeship, there will be a brief respite, some time that I require to fill with an activity of some form – and here I’ve established that studying another course will be an effective point to pursue.

Then comes the Decision – and this is in regards to what course I should pick – and here I’ve looked at either studying economics or psychology – and this seemingly small and insignificant decision has become like that annoying sand grain stuck between the sole of my feet and my shoes – and seemingly it’s a unsolvable puzzle. And the reason as to why it feels like an unsolvable puzzle and maze of various possibilities and opportunities is because at the bottom of the considerations lies fear and anxiety – and this fear and anxiety is in relation to future and in particular – making the wrong decision.

When looking closer at this point of making the wrong decision, it’s clear that the wrong decision in essence implies placing myself in a position in the world system that is not effective, placing myself in a position wherein I afterwards realize that – this is not where I want to be! And in that process as well realizing that – I shouldn’t have chosen to study this course, I should’ve chosen the other course!

Here it’s fascinating to see the nature of my considerations – that it’s based on this very limited idea of absoluteness – that this decision that I make to study a single course the next year will somehow determine the ENTERITY of my life – and be the very quintessence of my coming existence – that point that will form and shape everything that is to come afterwards – and that I will in making this decision set a precedence for myself that will flow out into my future and either make me sublime or a lowly failure.

Obviously – this is not how physical reality works, and actually – I’ve got my life to show for it. I mean, how many skills haven’t I developed over the span of my life? How many various courses and lectures haven’t I participated within? Yet, it’s unequivocal that these past choices have not had any significant impact on what I am doing currently with my life – it’s rather as such that what I am doing and studying at the moment is completely unexpected and not what I’d believed that I would do as I grew up.

Thus, what I see I must work with, and establish as a certainty within me, is that life is a moment, it’s not black and white, but rather a greyish mishmash of various colorations, and that very seldom anything is set in stone – most times there are opportunities and possibilities to digress and go into another direction, make a new choice, pursue a new challenge – and thus – this fear that I will create a future that is either unambiguously positive, or categorically negative is in-fact an illusion – and probably my future will be rather mundane and normal – I will find a job, do some more courses, and then move on – because that’s how life works. Though what I’ll always have with me is MYSELF – and that is something I can create to stand eternally – steadfast – stable – regardless of how my future turns out.

The point to realize is that – the future can’t be predicted – yet I can walk myself into the future in stability – and stand as that point in my life and in that – be present, capable and able to create a life for myself – moment by moment – that is effective and that is something I’d like to experience – thus what I am able to see is that whether I pick one course or the other – it’s really of no impact – because what will determine my future is MYSELF and what I will accept and allow and what I will not accept and allow in each and every moment of breath.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at my future in black and white – and absolutes – wherein I will see this decision that is before me as the ultimate test – as what will determine the rest of my life and if I make the wrong decision – there is nothing – and absolutely nothing that I am able to do to correct and align the point – and thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is a delusional way of looking at my future – and how obviously – this is now how the physical functions and operates – because the physical functions according to what I live and move as in each and every moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the future and my life is a constant process of creation – and a constant point that I am establishing – building – and refining in every moment of breath – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the future as only beingout there’ – as only having significance and importance somewhere there in the future – and that the decision I will make in regards to one course, one event, and one point will determine everything – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is a false supposition – and how this is not how life and this reality works

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the fear I have of not making the right decision, of not placing myself in the correct position, of not establishing myself where I should be, that this is not a valid fear – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this decision that is before me is simply something that I’ll have decide upon and then walk – and that it will not determine the rest of my existence and all and everything of myself from that point onwards

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give this irrational value to education and studying – in believing that education and studying is what will further me in my lifetime – is what will create my life for me – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the primary point of creation, the primary point that will determine who I am and what my life will become, is who I am in each and every moment of breath – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stick to the courage of facing and walking each moment unconditionally – realizing that here is the point of power – and HERE is the point of creation – it’s not somewhere out there in the future – it’s HERE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how the idea I’m carrying within me, that somehow a decision of what course I am to study in the future, will determine everything of myself, is false – and not in alignment with reality – the physical – and in this world – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stabilize myself – make a decision – and then move myself to walk the point – and not make anything more of it than that – making a decision to study something – because I see that it makes sense – and then stopping any fear that comes up within me that it’s the wrong decision – that it’s not right – and that I will create massive consequences for myself due to having walked this particular decision

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that regardless of what course I choose – I am going to face the future – and what will have the most impact in me facing and directing the future is not the course I’ve studied – but rather WHO I AM – and HOW I STAND – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make this my priority – to realize that the WHO I AM will determine my life and my future – my ability to stand – to direct and move myself in moments and to not accept and allow the mind the step in and create myself and my life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop the fear and anxiety immediately as it arise within me – not give it any power what-so-ever – and instead focus and give attention to my creation process of myself here in every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my future will not manifest itself as either a picture perfect future where everything is fantastic – and it will not manifest itself as a hellish and awful future where everything is bad – rather my future will probably be normal – and much like my life is currently – wherein it’s simple dealing with and walking through my day-to-day responsibilities – wherein there is nothing more significant and special than that – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of this angst and fear of what might happen when I make a particular decision – and instead – simply make the decision and push myself to move ahead with my life – and not anymore remain in this state of inferiority and lack

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the emotional state I am creating within myself due to participating in this inner conflict is in-fact what is going to have consequences for myself in the future, and is a decision that I make in this moment, to make my future less effective – because in participating in such emotions I am going to manifest physical consequences and symptoms – suck as a disease or sickness – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here – and simply give up upon this anxiety – simply make a decision that I see makes sense – and then stick with it – not drag it up again and again – and realize that regardless of what might come – I will make the best of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself that regardless of what might come in my future – I will make the best of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself that regardless of whether I make the wrong decision – I will make the best out of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself that I will direct my life regardless of what I’m facing – and that I will not give up upon myself – but that I will find and establish solutions

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I go into conflict about my future – because I have a decision that I am uncertain of – I stop – I breathe – and I do not accept and allow myself to in anyway think about this decision – because I realize that this fuels underlying fears and anxieties – and thus I commit myself to let the point go until I can sit down and map out the decision – then I commit myself to make a decision and stick with it – and not bring up any what-ifs – because I realize that this is unnecessary and doesn’t have any constructive outflows

I commit myself to regardless of whether I make the wrong decision – to make the best out of my life – to make the best out of myself – to not give up – but to always strive and work towards establishing solutions

I commit myself to never give up upon myself regardless of what my future will bring – and regardless of the challenges I will be faced with – and I commit myself to develop the courage to face and walk my life in the moment – and not use fear or anxiety to drive myself forward

I commit myself to stick with the decision that I’ve made – to not think about it anymore – but to walk the point that I’ve already laid out for myself – to keep it simple – and only change and re-direct the points if I see that it’s relevant and necessary – not because a fear or anxiety arise within me – that is not practical but only a illusion and experience of and as the mind

Day 192: Facing Uncertainty With Boldness

Boldness is a trait and characteristic that oftentimes is connected to war, the strive for success, the ability to take risks, and move in the face of fear – though to be bold is not only that – being bold is something that we’re able to use and live in our daily lives – as we face those daily points that come up within us – emotions, feelings, thoughts – being bold would imply moving into a new direction – it would imply going for that change – and standing – walking into the unknown without hesitation.

Now, I’ve been working with this point of boldness for a while, and I’ve realized that living boldness is one of the solutions to the experience of fear and anxiety towards the future. Because one of the issues with my way of approach fear and anxiety have been that I’ve not yet replaced it with a creation – with a correction and a new way of living that I see would be more supportive and effective for me – and compliment me and the life that I am living – here boldness comes in as a word that I able to live.

The point of boldness further opened up when I was listening to a interview with the attaché to a second world war general: The attaché explained that his job was to make sure that the general – which was a contentious and hesitant one – did his job and gave the orders that were required for the army to move forward. He explained that what a general was supposed to do was to make the decisions and then stand by them – and this resonated with me – because this is the exact point that I’ve been facing. My very problem and issue have been to make my decisions and then boldly walk into them and face the consequences of them – instead I’ve made decisions – become worried and nervous about the decision – then re-made the decision – and repeated the process again.

Thus – one aspect of living the word bold as I see it – is to stand by my decisions – to dare to face the consequences and playouts of my application and movement in this world and not be deterred or impeded by failure, mistakes, contingencies, and unforeseen events.

The same goes for walking process – and walking my self-change – it’s a process that I can’t foresee the result of – I am not able to know exactly what is going to happen – exactly what I should do and how I should go about it – yet – in walking this point of being bold – and walking with my decision and pushing through regardless of what I am facing within – no problem can hold me back – because I know that regardless – I will push through – and I will establish solutions for myself – and I will direct and move myself through challenges and difficulties.

This particular point of being strong and having the ability to push through and walk regardless of the difficulties was also brought up in this interview – where in essence – what is shared is that in order to walk process successfully and establish change for real – you require to give it your all – and not stop in the face adversities and predicaments – but rather hold unto and push through within that knowing – that I will not give up – I will not give in – I will do what I came here to do and that is to create myself.

Thus – living boldness is something that I will practice in my day-to-day living – and in particular I will apply this boldness when fear and doubt comes up – to then exclaim within myself that: I am bold – I move myself into the unknown and without certainty – because I trust myself that whatever issue or difficulty I will face – I am going to direct it into a solution.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand within and as the word of being bold – and live as boldness – wherein I will walk into uncertainty, and the unknown with self-trust – wherein I will move into the future – and move with my decisions – and face the consequences – knowing that whatever I am going to face – I will stand within myself and direct the point into and as a solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when fear, anxiety or doubt comes up within me in relation to the future – or decisions I’ve made – to stop – take a breath and bring myself back here – and state within myself that I am bold – and that I boldly take the step into the next moment and face whatever might come my way – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate – to fear – and to go into self-disbelief – instead of sticking with my decision – sticking with my initial intent and what I set out to do – and not accepting and allowing myself to be deterred – impeded or hindered – but that I instead push through and do what is required to be done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach my future in hesitation, in worry, fear and anxiety, self-disbelief, and inferiority – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in order to change this – I must change my approach towards the future – my outlook – my way of seeing myself in relationship to my future – and within this I see, realize and understand that living boldness is a solution and something that’ll assist and support me to move forward – and to create myself in my life in such a way that I see is supportive and assisting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not immediately when fear arise within me – stop – take a breath and bring myself back here to what I am doing – and what I am walking – and what I am creating – to bring myself back to that certainty that regardless of what – I will find a solution – I will move myself forward – I will not give up or give in – but I will rather create myself through living boldness – through approaching my life – and my future – not within fear – but rather within being creative and playful – going into and towards the unknown and the uncertain – and not accepting and allowing worry and fear to dictate my expression – but rather that I dictate and move myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that fear indicates that I don’t trust myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not through repetitive action – consistently prove to myself – that I can trust myself – that when I face difficulties – when I face points that I don’t immediately know how to direct and move – that I will find a solution – that I will find a way through – and that I will not give up upon myself – not give up upon what I’ve set out to do – but rather push through

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that fear, angst, worry towards the future – or decisions that I’ve made comes up within me – I stop – I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand this fear comes up because I don’t yet trust myself – I don’t yet stand as my own backbone in being stable and firm – steadfast and motivated to push myself through any and all obstacles – find the solutions – establish and create my life regardless – and thus I commit myself to live boldness – to boldly push forward even though I can’t predict the future – and even though it’s uncertain – to realize that life is in it’s very nature and essence uncertain – and living in fear of that is meaningless – and through living boldness I take charge of myself and push forward to make the most of my life and in this realize – that when challenges and difficulties emerge – I will direct them – I will find and establish a solution

Day 172: Looking Deeper Into Some Fear

Today I am going to look deeper into some fears that came up.

So, this week I’ve been walking the active creation process of stopping myself from projecting myself into future, as well as going into fear and anxiety in relation to the future, and start building ideas of what I should do and how I should do it in order to ‘make it’ in this world.

Though, today I fell in my application, and the consequential outflow was that I got locked into a state of anxiety, and fear for some hours – and I am now here in order to look at the process of how I created this point; take myself back HERE and re-commit myself to continue walking the point.

I will utilize the tool of the mind-construct in order to walk through this pattern.

-> I am talking with my friend
->-> He tells me that he’s got a well respected education
->->-> I start to think about my own education
->->->-> Maybe my education won’t suffice for me to have a job
->->->->-> I start to think about what I am able to do to change this
->->->->->-> I come up with a plan to study one more course
->->->->->->-> This plan creates inner conflict within me
->->->->->->->-> I am fearful that I will compromise my primary studies
->->->->->->->->-> I reel backwards and forwards thinking yay or nay

So, from this timeline it’s interesting to see that the origin point is FEAR – and then when I get to the perceived solution – which is to start another set of studies – what comes up yet again is FEAR – obviously then the real solution can’t be to study yet another subject because the actual issue at hand is not that my studies on a practical dimension aren’t effective enough for me to get a job in the future. No, rather the actual issue at hand is an issue with self-trust – and an issue with walking into the future and trusting myself to handle the future effectively.

I remember one instance in particular where I decided that I couldn’t trust myself. This was in my teenage years – I’d decided to go to a course. I’d paid for it – yet I completely forgot about it and the result was that I missed the course. When that happened I went into somewhat of a shock, and I said to myself in somewhat of a disbelief, that I will not be able to trust myself again, because I am seemingly loosing my grip on reality.

I will walk my self-forgiveness on this point now – and I will specifically focus on this memory that I’ve brought up here as well as the aspect of self-trust in relation to walking into and dealing with the future effectively and specifically.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in relation to walking out into and standing in the system, and walking through the system and establishing myself in the system, and building a life and a living for myself in the system, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a memory of myself, wherein I said to myself that “I can’t trust myself” – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to find substitutes for self-trust – and substitutes for self-reliance – such as trying to do as many educations and courses as possible – instead of realizing that this is not the solution – the solution is rather that I develop effective self-trust for myself HERE within and as my human physical body and that I stop trying to become and look for more in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto this petrification in my chest area in relation to the future, in relation to time, in relation to money, and in relation to making it in this world – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with thoughts about me not making it in this world, and me playing out before my inner eye, the absolute worst case scenario, and then creating a positive mind-fuck of playing out the absolute best scenario, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up this fear – and fear letting go of this anxiety and instead of trusting myself – instead starting to rely on myself and know that regardless of what point I am going to face in this world – I will walk through it – I will get to the other side – and I will not give up and give in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto an character of I am not able to trust myself, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto this character in the context of money, career and education, and thus constantly belittle myself in my mind, and perpetually feed this fear in my mind that I will not be able to make it, and that I will not be able to stand, and that I will not be able to walk through and direct my life and living effectively, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not say – NO – this is ENOUGH – I will not base my life and my decisions on fear and self-distrust – I will instead base and will my life based upon self-trust – and I will walk my life without fear and make the best out of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not place my energy, my physical energy and life force into creating solutions that are best for all – and as such I commit myself change my starting point in life – from survival – to birthing solutions – birthing constructive practical solutions that will benefit my life and the lives of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the future in my mind, and plan ahead for several years, from a starting point of fear and securing my own survival, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is not a solution – and how this is not the way to go – but that this only makes me internalize myself in my mind even more – and doesn’t contribute to life on earth – doesn’t contribute to this existence – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit and hold myself back in my application and movement in life in the belief that I have to hold unto my own survival and fear

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into this survival character of attempting and trying to control my life in order for me to survive, and I utilize dreams, projections, and experiences of fear in order retain and feel in control of my life, I immediately stop myself, I bring myself back here to and as my human physical body – and I commit myself to breathe and bring myself back into and as my human physical body – and stand up and say – NO – NOT ANYMORE – from here on I direct my life without fear and I do so from a starting point of establishing LIFE on earth as what is best for all – that is my purpose and that is my direction