Tag Archives: uncomfort

Day 40: Continuing With Nervousness

Today I listened to the interview “Finalising Nervousness Support” – and the point that hit home with me was the nervousness is most-often caused by lack of preparation.

stressThis made me consider a few points in relation to my studies – because as I’ve shared in this blog I’ve experienced much nervousness in relation to walking my exams, and writing the final test – and this nervousness did occur this time around as well. So – when I began to considered the point that nervousness is very much related to one’s level of preparation – I realized that one dimension of my nervousness in relation to my exams might have to do with a problem with my vocabulary – and that the reason I do experience nervousness in relation to my exams is because it’s me actually showing myself that I’ve not integrated the vocabulary of the course effectively, with clarity, and specificity.

As I looked on this point – I utilized some memories from the past of when I’ve written my exam before, because by now I’ve written the term-exam 5 times already – and I compared my various study techniques, and then also looked at my experience of nervousness in relation to then at a later stage writing the exam. What I could see was that when I’d utilized the study technique of writing the information down – that was the exam that I’d experienced myself the least nervous, and also the exam on which I’d received the best results – fascinating!

This “finding” so to speak also correlates with what I’ve recently learned about “the natural learning ability” of the human being – and how we as human beings integrate information the most effectively. Writing information down is one of these physical practical points that give’s the physical body a opportunity to work with the information for real – and which also establish a more effective output – because in only reading information what one do is that one establish an ineffective input. So – I will cross-reference these points during my next term, and accordingly spend much more time writing information than I’ve done before – to see what the effect of this will be, and whether this will allow me to integrate the information more effectively.

Okay – that was what I had to share about my findings in relation to the natural learning ability, vocabulary effectiveness, and it’s influence on my experience of nervousness – though this is not the only dimension that affects my experience of nervousness. There are three words that I see play a role in my nervousness-experience – these are “unknown”, “unexpected”, “unplanned” – and these points are also much related to the experience of stress – which there is a cool interview about that you can hear here. So – in essence I will dedicate my self-forgiveness in this blog towards investigating my relationship towards these three words, and also apply commitment statements – as to how to correct my relationship with these words so that I can study in the stability, and silence of breath – and do my exams in the stability and silence of breath – with no movement within me what-so-ever.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a fear of the unknown, a fear of that which I can’t control, and can’t foresee – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into nervousness, and stress when and as I don’t have a complete control over my reality – and I do not know exactly what is going to happen in the next moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I do not have complete control, complete mastery over my physical reality – and that I can foresee everything that will happen in my world – that I am vulnerable to destruction, and annihilation – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my fear of the unknown, my fear of the unexpected, and my fear of the unplanned – through thinking that I am protecting myself by holding unto this fear – and that this fear helps me to be effective in living – while really – the opposite is true – because what I fear I create – which is so because in living as fear – I am not seeing, and utilizing common sense in my direct movement here – and thus the likelihood of me creating compromising situations, and moments for myself is much greater

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a fear, and anxiety towards letting go of control – and trusting myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate control to self-trust – not realizing the self-trust is not dependent upon control – because self-trust stands regardless of external stimuli movements – as self-trust is a point that is developed, and created by self – and as such not dependent upon a particular external point to move, or exist in a particular way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear, anxiety, and nervousness towards not being able to foresee whether my life will be “happy” or filled with struggles, and strife’s – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify holding unto control, and stress – and nervousness – in thinking, and believing that this increases my likelihood of experiencing a “happy” life – not seeing the simple common sense – that living within anxiety, stress, and nervous I can’t ever be in anyway “happy” – as I will constantly exist in a worry, and state of fear – that something is going to occur and happen that I do not have any form of control over

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being powerless, and unable to impose change on my life, and reality – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify holding unto stress, and nervousness – thinking that when I hold unto these experiences I will at least be able to protect myself from having a situation manifest wherein I am powerless, or unable to change my reality – not realizing that stress, and nervousness are mental experiences and not a physical practical and useable skill that assists me in moving myself effectively in my life – and thus completely irrational experiences that do not help to assure my physical well-being in this world, and reality what-so-ever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the reason I fear loosing power, and loosing control – is because I’ve not allowed myself to create these words as living words of and as myself – but that I’ve allowed myself to define these words as my ability to manipulate, and control my exterior reality – not realizing that this is not power, and this is not control – it’s merely a form of physical movement bound by the laws of the physical reality – but not a actual power, and a actual control – because all the time – regardless of how “powerful” I might consider myself to be – I will always be subject to the laws of the physical world and reality – and as such I understand that real control, and real power – can only be real and actual when I stand as those points within and as me as a living expression of me – as a living statement of who I am in each and every breath – wherein I decide what and who I am – and what principle I stand and live by

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that when I stand certain in who I am – certain in what I am – certain in why I am – there can’t be any nervousness, or stress – because these points are in essence based upon fear of death – as the fear of loosing all form of control over this external reality – and this fear can’t exist when I stand within me in such a stability, and depth of silence – that I understand that who I am can’t be moved, touched, or defined by death – as I stand as the power within me that in all-ways decide who I am – and within this that I create who I am – thus creating life from nothing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the experiences of stress, and nervousness – allowing myself to go into and as a state of preparation – as trying to avoid a disastrous event from taking place – and through these experiences attempting and trying to control my reality; and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand the simplicity of physically controlling my exterior reality as a point of self-movement – and even though I am not able to have full control – I am able to have somewhat effective control and create this control without any form of experience such as stress, or nervous – because physically directing, and moving my reality is not about mental experiences – it’s about my effectiveness of communication – my effectiveness of physical movement – my effectiveness in social interaction with others

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand how stress, and nervousness literally are illusions – because – they do not produce anything of benefit – they do not assist me in stabilizing my life, and my daily living – they do not assist me in actually walking through my exams – they do not assist me in actually making sure that I have money, and financial stability – they do not in-fact do anything but exist within me as a experience – that in essence only serve to disturb me, and take my focus away from living, and moving myself in my day-to-day life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace the points of unexpectedness, unplanned events, and the unknown – realizing, and understand that I will never be able to have complete control over this reality – as such it’s completely unnecessary to create experiences of stress, and nervousness because I do not have that control – I mean – it’s impossible to have such a control so why continue to fight reality? As such I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to align myself with the actual functioning of this physical world and reality – and stop fighting it – stop resisting it – and stop trying to change it to match my inner belief, and hope of what I’d like this reality to be like

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I go into and as a state of stress, and nervousness – because I see that I am approaching uncharted territory – and I can’t be completely sure on the outcome of what I am taking on and walking; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – there is no reason to fear uncharted territory – I mean sure – there might come an event that is painful, uncomfortable, or even an event that leads to my death – but – that is the nature of this reality – and it’s completely stupid to fear the nature of this reality as what is here – because it doesn’t help, it doesn’t assist, and it doesn’t change this reality; as such I commit myself to embrace the functioning and movement of this reality – and work with what is here – and practically train, and practice moving myself in such a way in this reality – that I am able to avoid and direct potentially harmful, or uncomfortable experiences, and events – as such – stopping myself from relying upon fear, nervousness, and stress – and instead relying upon common sense deduction

When and as I see that I go into a state of nervousness, because I don’t know how to be, or how to move, or how to direct myself in a given situation – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – me experiencing nervousness does not assist, and support me to walk, and direct the situation – I mean – it would be far more effective for me to stop for a while – observe the situation – and develop solutions – solutions are far more effective in having actual physical positive results than nervousness; as such I commit myself to instead of going into nervousness when I face the unknown – to make the unknown known – and develop solution for me to direct, and effectively move myself within that which is now known

When and as I see that I go into stress – as fearing that I will run unto an unplanned, and unexpected event – and that I will not be able to deal with this event – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – stress merely serves to make me blind to what is here – not see what is here – and not be able to effectively process what is here – stress is like a energetic blindfold that I take on thinking that it will help me to navigate my reality – obviously that isn’t so; as such I commit myself to face the unexpected, to face the unplanned – with a straight back – and effective breathing – realizing that the only way to effectively live in this life is to live physically – breath by breath – walking actual practical solution instead of going into my mind as energetic experiences of positive, or negative

When and as I see that I am going into and as a fear of not being in control, and not having power over my world – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that power, and control over this world is in essence an illusion – something that isn’t real – but merely real in my mind; as such I commit myself to live real power, and real control – which are points that I live AS ME – as me living the decision in every moment that I am life as all as one as equal – and that the principle which I stand by – and make my decisions by is what is best for all – and giving to another as I’d like to receive

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Day 11: Test-anxiety (Part 1)

blog-exam-04182011This is my fifth term at the university and I’ve still not been able to effectively remove the test-anxiety I experience at the end of each semester when the final test is being held. Every time I become nervous, and filled with anxiety – and what I tend to do is that I stress-read, and simply overdo my studies to the extent where I study for up to 10 hours on a day – and then afterwards I am totally exhausted – because I’ve gone into my studying so intensively that I’ve not considered my human physical body, or myself for that matter – only studying for the upcoming test have existed within me.

This time around I’d like to change this point – and also make sure that I don’t experience anxiety as I am doing the test – because that anxiety greatly inhibits my ability to write the test effectively – so it would be awesome to go to my test, and write the test being completely calm, and relaxed.

Thus the first point that I will walk here in this blog is to locate all the particular fears that I have in relation to my studies – that come through has backchat, and thoughts – and have my loose my concentration and instead get caught in anxiety, and fear.

  1. I fear that I won’t get a good job after I’m done with studies – unless I get the best grade
  2. I fear that I will regret myself – and feel that I do everything I could – if I don’t get the best grade on my test – and I haven’t been running around spending all my time on studying for my test
  3. I fear that I won’t get as much done unless I use stress a way to motivate myself
  4. I fear that my parents will be dissatisfied with me unless I get the best grade
  5. I fear that I will become dissatisfied with myself if I don’t get the best grade
  6. I fear feeling useless, and worthless if I don’t get the best grade
  7. I fear that I won’t be the best – but that there will be others that receive better grades than me
  8. I fear that I will forget everything while doing the test
  9. I fear that there will come a extremely difficult question on the test, and because of that I will fail the test
  10. I fear that I will forget to prepare for everything in relation to the test – and thus not be able to do the test effectively
  11. I fear that I will simply fail on my test without understanding why – regardless of much I study – that I’ll simply not be able to walk my studies effectively enough
  12. I fear that I am not intelligent enough to be able to learn all the information before the test
  13. I fear that I will prepare myself wrong – and then not understand the test as I get it into my hands
  14. I fear that I won’t have as many opportunities in my future unless I get the best grade – because everyone will consider, and see me as someone that “didn’t get the best grades”
  15. I fear becoming ridiculed, and laughed at by others as being stupid, and not being able to get a good grade
  16. I fear that there is not enough time for me to prepare myself effectively, and that I will accordingly come unprepared to the test
  17. I fear that my mother will say to me that I could’ve done better
  18. I fear that my family will not be happy with me – as they are when I receive a good grade on my tests
  19. I fear relaxing, and breathing when I study – in fear that if I don’t use fear to study – that I will then not move myself as effectively, and fast – and thus be compromised

In my next blog I will begin to walk through this list point by point – and apply self-forgiveness, and self-commitment statements – and I will be done with the list in time for my test – so then I will be able to see whether my preparation

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De-constructing my Money-Construct Part: 4

Today it’s one day before I leave to Uppsala to start studying law. It’s very cool and I am excited to start studying.

At the moment I have a headache and I believe the reason is money and fear of money, actually fear of loosing money. I had an interesting experience today in regards to loosing money. Due to mistakes in relation to weekdays and the implications of certain weekdays I managed to fuck up my planning. What did this cost me? It cost me a certain amount of money and I reacted within fear and self-judgment as I realized my mistake.

As I came home I shared this point with my mother who went into a complete fear-possession, in which she said that I must find someway to correct this. I had looked at all the points already and I saw that I had no possibility to correct this mistake, but I allowed myself to get swayed by my mother reversed enthusiasm. LOL – reversed enthusiasm because it’s the expression of being in panic and literally wanting to do anything and say anything in order to get a certain point through.

I thought that, cool, my mother might be able to assist me and help me with this point, but as I called the girl which I had contact with in relation to my apartment I got the same response as before. This time though I noticed how I attempted through placing certain “valuable” and “important” words manipulate myself to create a solution. I see no problem with manipulating in order to achieve a solution, if there is a possibility to do so with no harm coming to anyone – why not? Only morality is in my way, morality that is actually an idea of the physical outflows of actions as either being good or bad and not the actual understanding of the implications as the outflows of my physical actions.

Anyway – mission failed to retrieve my “wasted” money. I would loose them when I die anyway, so can I actually say that they where ever mine? Can I actually say that anything, which is here, is mine? No – nothing here is actual something that I own, it’s things that are in my presence and that’s it. I can’t define myself and my standing dependent upon material things in my reality because then I will fall – as I’ve placed my standing not upon that which eternally here and unchangeable.

What I saw was that I didn’t allow myself to trust myself in relation to this point. The reason that I started to speak with my mother around this point in the first place is because I felt fearful and uncomfortable knowing that I had lost a lot of money. I wanted to share this with someone in order to get support and get some understanding from someone. I would like my mother to say to me, hey Viktor, it doesn’t matter, money isn’t everything! I am not able to say that to myself and trust myself completely. Dealing with money brings up reactions in even if I have sufficient with money to survive.

As a form of protection, or reaction to the reaction I brought up within my mind my plans of becoming a clown as the summer is coming. I brought up my plans as to how I am going to make money in order to sustain myself when I won’t have any possibility to take loans from the government.

What I also see now that I became worried about was that I wouldn’t be able to move my stuff out from my apartment at the end of this year, because I wouldn’t have any money to do this. Thus as a protection to this I thought that my father would be able to help me and that I because of this would be able to save money.

It’s fascinating that I am so worried in terms of money even though I actually have sufficient with money. Meaning, my reactions are not in anyway in relation to the reality in which I am. It would be a different story if I were considering solutions, looking at my money situation if I saw that I actually didn’t have any money to be able to sustain myself – but I do have that! Thus I see that this is my extensive fear of loosing myself and the control over my possessions and my world through not having money.

I am going to list all the things, which I’ve circled around today in relation to money to structure this point for myself.

1.     Buying new study books

1.1.  How much will it cost?

1.1.1.     Will I have enough money?

1.1.1.1.         Will I have enough money to next year?

1.1.1.1.1.              What if I won’t have enough money and I won’t get a job?

2.     Taking subway in Stockholm

2.1.  How much money will it cost?

2.1.1.     Will I spend a lot of money and will I then be able to afford my apartment and pay for my bills?

3.     Monthly expenses

3.1.  Will I have to much monthly expenses and because of that not be able to sustain myself

3.1.1.     Will I get in debt?

3.1.1.1.         Will I not be able to pay my bills effectively?

3.1.1.1.1.              What will happen to me then?

4.     Taking buss

4.1.  How much will the bus cost?

4.1.1.     Will it be cheap or expensive?

4.1.1.1.         If expensive, will I afford to pay my bills and keep my apartment?

5.     My stuff being placed outside

5.1.  Will my stuff be stolen?

5.1.1.     How much money am I then going to loose?

5.2.  Will my stuff break in the cold?

5.2.1.     How much money am I then going to loose?

6.     Bathing

6.1.  How much money will it cost?

6.1.1.     Will it take a to big chunk of my budget?

6.1.1.1.         Will I be able to sustain myself?

6.1.1.1.1.              Will I be able to afford food and property?

7.     Moving the next time

7.1.  Do I have to much stuff with me in this move?

7.1.1.     What if I will have to much stuff in the next move and because of that it will cost more than what I’ve expected it to cost?

7.1.1.1.         What if I won’t be able sustain myself, keep my possessions and locate myself in a apartment?

I notice as I bring up these point that a lot of anger and frustration comes up within me. Accepted and allowed anger because of what I’ve allowed myself to become in relation to money, my submission to money and my experience towards money. Instead of having corrected myself immediately as fear have come up I’ve instead fought my fear, thus becoming angry and frustrated at myself. I am also angry and frustrated that this fear is here to begin with and that it is so extremely real and that I give into to it so easily. That I desire to have these thoughts around money, calculate in my mind, protect myself in my mind through thinking that I have sufficient with money.

And then one day I will die and I will be gone – fascinating. That day is certain yet I fear this world and dying extensively.

Anyway, what more points come up that I’ve worried myself about in relation to money.

8.     Clowning

8.1.  Will I be able to make enough money on clowning?

8.1.1.     What if I won’t be able to do that?

8.1.1.1.         Then I would have wasted money on props and preparation

8.1.1.1.1.              What if I won’t be able to sustain myself then?

9.     Music and Music equipment

9.1.  What if I won’t make enough money on music if I purchase musical equipment to be able to play on a street?

9.1.1.     What if I won’t be able to sustain myself effectively?

10. Apartment with me and Anna

10.1.               What if I won’t be able to buy a new apartment, because I don’t have enough money to place a disposition?

10.1.1. What if I will be to poor to have an apartment?

10.1.1.1.      Where will I place all of my stuff?

10.1.1.1.1.          What if I loose all of my stuff?

I have noticed within me a fear of throwing away things, because they cost money. Will I waste money? I can’t waste money!? What if I waste money?! And thus I will not throw away things that I am within me, quite, if not completely certain that I will never use again, because, what if?

What if? Is a fascinating fear, what if I do a mistake? What if this will lead me to wasting more money, thus me loosing my money?

It’s all delusions, that I can protect myself from this world – that I can loose myself if I don’t have any money. Actually I am able to starve to death if I don’t have any money, or freeze to death, or get dehydrated and die that way. What comes up is, that I don’t want to do that because I don’t want to die on such a stupid point. Those are the points that can happen to me if I don’t have any money. In my current life I must be very fucking clumsy and be very lazy in order to place myself in such a position. At the time being, I simply can’t see how I am able to place myself in a position of not having any money – I will be able to sustain myself effectively, there is no question about. If I am not, then I deal with that in that moment. There is no valid reason to fear not being able to sustain myself, if it’s here, then it’s here and I deal with that. I breath and I direct myself according to common sense – simple, no need for any emotional or feeling based experiences. I do fine without them.

1.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about what things costs

2.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed and controlled by my fear of loosing money

3.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dying due to cold

4.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dying due to starvation

5.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and fear that my plans in relation to how I am to sustain myself in the future won’t work and that I will only waste even more money

6.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is such a experience as finally being satisfied and calm as in thinking that I have enough money

7.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself, and how I experience myself around how much money I currently posses

8.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking chances, to fear exploring and expanding myself in terms of how to work in the matrix, in fear that I am going to loose money

9.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to loose money at day-to-day actions, without being aware of my account balance and then one day find out that I am broke

10. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear finding out that I am broke and that I have no money what-so-ever

11. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my possessions

12. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my desk

13. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my computer

14. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my clothes

15. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my musical instruments

16. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my office chair

17. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my study books

18. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear buying new study books, in fear that my savings are going to decrease

19. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear buying new things that are doing so that my savings decrease, in fear that I won’t be able to make new money

20. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not holding my savings on a steady basis, in fear that I am not going to be free in society, but held back by money and through not having enough money

21. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing a comfortable and soft place to sit at

22. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing a place in which I can sit and surf on the internet by myself

23. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to loose my ability to have an apartment and have my possessions be in this apartment with me

24. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be able to reach inner stability, inner silence and peace through money

25. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I worry and think enough about money, and gather enough money, I will be able to feel safe and calm in this reality

26. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that money is what makes me calm and relaxed and at ease

27. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my release from money into the future, into a day where I will feel like I finally have enough money and that I am now certain of my survival and that I can now relax and simply enjoy myself

28. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that money will be able to give me relaxation and peace

29. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I struggle, and worry, and keep my shit together in relation to money on earth, that I will finally be able to let go and relax when I come to heaven

30. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will have survive my experience on earth if I am able to accumulate enough money in order to always have food, water and a roof over my head until I die of old age

31. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making new purchases in fear that I won’t be able to get any money back on them

32. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my past excursions in relation to money and exploring professions and think that I am only “wasting” money when I attempt to place myself in positions of gaining money through new professions

33. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking chances and walking new roads in terms of earning money in fear that it won’t work

34. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear buying new things, in fear that I won’t be able to take back the money they are worth in either new money or time

35. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a successful buy, as something that I buy and use much or something that I buy and get money back from

36. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how much money I am able to make and how effectively I am able to run a business and retrieve money from this business

37. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear buying study books that aren’t used, in fear of how much money I will have to spend on study books, in fear that I will go a lot back in terms of my money supply

38. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t be able to buy any used books, in fear that I will use to much money and that I won’t be able to sustain myself because I don’t have enough money

39. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t be able to sell my books after I’ve used them, in fear that I will go back, and not be able to sustain myself anymore

40. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t have enough savings in order to live a comfortable life with no worry of survival, within the belief that it’s my money that my comfort ability and stability depend upon

I am here.

I allow myself to buy that which I need to buy, and that which I see will be beneficial for me to buy in relation to supporting myself as self-expression. I won’t allow myself to participate in fear in relation to buying new things. I will push myself to see money simply as mathematics, and push myself to realize that money and the accumulation of money, and the use of money to sustain myself is simple mathematics and nothing that I have to fear or experience anxiety towards. I push myself to realize the reality of things instead of making assumptions and acting with the starting point fear and anxiety.

I am here.