Tag Archives: understanding

Day 284: Dreams as a Gateway to the Unconscious

Yesterday I received some great news. There was a position opening up for me in my hometown, which means that my days of commuting might be over, for now… I am still though facing the one last challenge. I have to quit my current position and apply for the new position, and then get admitted into the new position in competition with other applicants. Hence, a moment of insecurity, and a moment of ‘breaking’ the ‘trust’ of my former employee – as my current employment is supposed to last for some years, I will however be leaving after only some months. This brought up some fears within me, and my cautious nature urged me to ‘not take any chances’ – while my ‘I have had enough of commuting’-nature urged me to immediately turn in my letter of resignation and go for it.

Anyway, I went to bed as per usual, and had one of my rare dreams. In my dream I had committed some form of felony, murder I think, and the police was onto me, and I was terrified of getting caught. I pictured before me (in my dream) how my life would come to an end, how all the dreams and imaginations I had conjured in my mind would come crashing down, how my career would fall into the abyss of nothingness, and that I would be left with nothing. As I woke up I could see that this dream effectively depicted the deeper fears moving in my mind with regards to making the decision of changing employer.

From my dream I can see that my fears involve an aspect of ‘getting caught’ and ‘being punished’ for ‘breaking the rules’ – the rules here being the terms of contract with the employer. And in breaking that contract (which I actually do not, seen from a legal perspective) I would then put my career at risk, and potentially then my future, and my survival in this world. Thus, what this fear shows me is that I have given my trust to the system, to my employer, and that my relationship with survival/money is based on me wanting others to assure me a steady inflow of money – and in this case – others would be my employer.

It also shows me a lack of self-trust. Because, fact is that I have a great CV, and that there is an insignificant risk that I might not receive the job in my hometown – and even if I would not receive the job – it is not like I am all out of opportunities. In-fact, there are many directions open for me, and what more stands in my way, are my own issues with confidence and trust – where I do not see that I can actually deal with, and direct my life, and make sure that things work out properly, even if things do not go according to my preconceived plan.

What I see that I must work with is thus self-trust issues, and fears of my survival falling to pieces, and to replace that fear of survival with self-trust, with self-confidence, with self-reliance and a stability, a knowing, that regardless of what is going to come into my life, I will deal with it, I will find solutions, and I will not give up. I will push myself forward and walk to the utmost of my ability, pushing through fears, and anxieties, and creating the life that I see is best for me, that I see is best for all, and not accepting and allowing myself to be satisfied with a mediocre life, but instead pushing for, and creating a extraordinary life.

Fear is quite cool, because it shows me where it is that I am not yet trusting myself, and where it is that I am willing to compromise myself, who I am, my integrity, my decisions, plans, and what is best for me, to feel secure/safe about my survival. It shows me where it is that I am still accepting and allowing myself to exist in a mindset of trying to avoid failure, instead of creating the success I want to have. It shows me where and how I am still  accepting less from myself and my life than what I am capable of creating for and as myself. Fear is the symptom of me not pushing myself to remain standing in every breath, with my body, and place my focus and attention on SELF-CREATION – and hence not on – self-survival.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not going to be able to retain my security and safety with regards to money if I quite my job and look for a new one – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear defaulting on my debts, to fear loosing my house, to fear loosing my opportunity to survive in this world, and instead falling down into a whole of debt and suffering from which I cannot stand up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my security and safety, as my access to money, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust money to give me my security, and my sense of feeling safe and secure, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, that it is money that creates my stability, and that without money in my life, I cannot, and I do not have stability – and thus I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to practice stability – to practice standing and remaining the same within me regardless if I have access to money or not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my stability, and my future, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be willing to compromise what is best for me, to compromise creating a extraordinary and effective future for myself, only so that I can feel safe, and secure with my decisions, and with my life – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice standing in stability even though I am in a pressured situation – and in a pressured environment as so far that my access to money is not stable and secure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that access to money in this world, and in this life, cannot ever be secure, and safe, that there is no such security and safety, as this world is in its very foundation flawed, and thus there is at all times a risk for everything to fall, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is a risk I must learn to stand with – to deal with and to direct – to understand that all decisions hold within them the potential of failure – yet sometimes – it is absolutely worth it to take the risk – to push forward – when the rewards that stand to be won are worth it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the worst case scenario, the worst case scenario being, that I will not get admitted into any of my desired employment options, and that I will stand without a job, and without income, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that this is going to happen to me, to fear that in such a scenario, I am not going to know what to do, and how to deal with my life, and how to continue to push forward, and do something with myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that in the worst case scenario, I do still have opportunities that I can push for, to assure an income for myself, and I can find ways on the side, to make sure that I still push myself forward in relation to my career and where I see that I want to go in life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the worst possible outcome, and fear that in such a situation, I am going to loose time, I am going to loose my standing in the legal community, and I am not going to be able to create anything with my life, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that if such a point do occur, that I will still be able to find a way out, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, to not see, realize and understand that it will not get that bad – and also – that losing time is a very, very subjective assertion – and that in-fact – I am the primary decision maker as to whether the time I have on my hand is used effectively, and practically, or whether it is thrown away

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place trust, to place stability, to place security in relation to having a career, to having a job, and being accepted at my job, and excelling at my job, and within that being complemented, and liked by my colleagues, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that career, the words I have placed into this concept, are words that I can live, stand, and walk within my life, as myself, and thus nothing that I actually need to have a career for, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assert myself within the words of direction, and security, as knowing where I am going and with a secure stability heading in that direction, not accepting and allowing myself to be swayed and shifted – but remaining with my practical physical reality and moving into the direction that I have established for and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself a career, as a purpose and a direction in my daily living, as a security, in me knowing where I am heading, knowing what I am going to create and build for myself, and knowing what I am going to do with my life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I cannot build this stability on a career – because a career can shift and go into highs and lows – and if I accept and allow myself to base my security and stability on a career – then I am not effectively aligned here with and as what is real – the stability of the physical that is always consistent regardless of the movement of money in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind when it comes to making decisions in relation to the future, through trusting fear, and believing the decisions made in fear are more safe than decisions made within and as stability – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making decisions that I am stable within – in fear that they might be to risky – and that there might develop to many repercussions that will affect my future and my life – and make things shaky – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making my life shaky and unstable when it comes to money and financial security – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thus only want to make safe decisions that I feel there is no fear connected to – because then I have apparently made a good and secure decisions that will lead to predictable outcomes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is no such thing as a predictable outcome on this earth at this moment – simply because the way money moves and the way the system is created – is so ineffective and based on the flimsiness of the mind – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how any feeling of security and trust in tomorrow is in-fact self-dishonesty, as there is no such security in this world to be found in this day and age

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into fear, and anxiety, and imagining the worst possible outcome of making a decision that involves money, and employment, I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that with all decisions there is a risk – there is a potential that things might go wrong – and that things might not work out – however – that is not something that I can use to build my life with – and instead I realize that I must come to terms with these risks and push for the decisions that create my life to be the best that it can be – and thus I commit myself to bring up the worst possible outcome within me – and define solution within me if that outcome were to play out – and look at what decision is the most challenging – what decision is the best for me to walk that will be support me in my life and what I want to do in this lifetime

When and as I see myself going into fear, and anxiety towards a decision, because there is a risk that I will loose my employment, and in that my feeling, and sense of security, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that that the sense of security that comes with employment is in-fact false, that a security cannot be based on a job, and on money, but is in-fact related to ME and how I SEE-CURES – my ability to SEE SOLUTIONS and work with what is here – and not accept and allow myself to give up and give in when things get tough; and thus I commit myself to place my trust and security in myself – and develop my ability to remain stable under pressure and look for and apply solutions

When and as I see myself worrying that I am going to destroy my legal career, and make others angry and dissatisfied with me because of how I have approached my employment, I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that this fear is holding me back, and limiting, that the moment I get attached to and accept and allowed something external to define me, through fear of loss, then I am creating limitations for and as myself, and making my life, my future, and who I am smaller, and thus I commit myself to push ahead, to push through my fear of loss, to realize that fear of loss only exists because I have defined words in relation to my external environment instead of seeing, realizing and understand that I can live and stand with and as this words as a decision, and as a movement that comes from within and that I express out to others

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Day 265: Knowing and Not Knowing

i-knowIn conversations with others, these following words are quite common: ‘I know’ and ‘I don’t know’ – and usually they will arise within self as a reaction. With this I mean that the statement will not be an actual, factual, and objective statement that we make in a moment, instead our words will come from within and as an energetic movement in our solar plexus.

Let us begin with the statement ‘I don’t know’ – now for me – this many times comes up almost automatically, immediately. If someone asks me a question that I cannot answer, without for a moment, stopping up, and looking at it within me, then I will say ‘I don’t know’. Though the truth here is not that ‘I don’t know’ – what I am really saying is more: ‘I do not want to/feel like looking more deeply at this point’ – and then I use the get out of jail free card: ‘I don’t know’. Hence, the statement ‘I don’t know’ is actually something that I use as a excuse, to not stop up, and look deeper at a point – to not for a moment introspect and be truly inquisitive and investigate the why/how of something.

A way to correct this relationship with ‘I don’t know’ is to instead, as we want to speak these words, stop for a moment, and really allow the question asked to sink in, and see whether we are in-fact able to find the answer. If we after that process of self-investigation say ‘I don’t know’ – it will be the genuine truth of ourselves. Though if we do not push ourselves to walk that process of self-investigation, then our words ‘I don’t know’ will be as false idol – and not the actual representation of ourselves in a moment.

When it comes to the words ‘I know’ – there is an interesting difference. Often we speak these words when we feel that we already know what is being shared with us. Then even though the other person has only but begun talking, we interfere and exclaim that ‘I know’! Here as well it is a matter of speaking words that are not a real representation of who we are in a moment – because is it true that we know? Well, we might feel like we know, yet how can we possibly see what another will share/speak before they have been given the time to finish what they started?

Hence, the words ‘I know’ is actually a form of resistance, and when I speak these words, it is because I feel distressed and bored with having to hear something that I feel/experience I have already heard and established within myself – not understanding that there might be something new to be learned/realized – that I am now missing out on because I exist within and as this state of resistance/fear.

Thus, to redefine ‘I know’ into something supportive, what we can do is to, as someone is speaking/sharing something that we feel familiar with, give ourselves the time to really listen, and the person the time to really share themselves and their point until they are finished. And then when we have listened to the entire story, we can with clarity establish within ourselves, whether, or whether not we already know this. We might not even feel the need to share with the person that we ‘already know’ – we can simply conclude within that this information is already firmly established within self and thus nothing that I require to hold unto.

What is common ground with these two SOLUTIONS is the fact that they involve taking a moment to stop, to breathe and release the need to haste, and stress to the next moment – to instead be HERE and look more deeply – penetrate what is apparent and reveal that which is under the surface. It is fascinating how such a small moment of change/alteration can have a big impact within ourselves/lives – though really – what is life but these small moments of change/direction – that is what constitutes who we are – and through changing these small building blocks of life – we are actually changing ourselves/our world/this world system.

Day 133: Annoyance = Lack of Understanding

Today I reacted in irritation to a statement that was done by another – and the statement was something like this: ‘My only concern is the well-being of others’. When the statement spoken I had a judgment come up within me; I felt that this person wasn’t taking all points into consideration, and that they were being childish, and immature for only considering this one single point in their decision-making – while I am of the opinion that one should consider all points and not only the well-being of others.

If I bring this back to myself, and ask myself, why did I react to this particular statement? I see that it’s because of blame, and me perceiving myself to be effected by this person’s way of viewing things, wherein in essence, I want that person to have the same considerations and values as me.

I can also see that there is within this reaction a tinge of powerlessness, as well as arrogance. I see myself as powerless, because apparently the other persons statement controls me, and there is nothing I that I am able to do in order to direct my life according to my values, and considerations – and I see that I am arrogant because I consider their considerations and way of seeing things as being less than mine – while in reality – their concern do contain a valid point – it’s common sense that one should consider how decisions affect everyone – and a decision shouldn’t be made only from within and as what it is that oneself wants, desires, and feel is important.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the statement of another ‘My only concern is the well-being of others’ as being childish, immature, and stupid, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, and frustrated in thinking that this statement is controlling me, and that this person should have a wider array of considerations when making a decision and not only concern for others, but also concern for self, concern for money, concern for future outflows – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become impatient, and angry, because this other person doesn’t have the same understanding as I have

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become annoyed when and as I perceive that another person doesn’t have the same understanding, the same principles, and the same guidelines for living as I do, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want them to immediately change, and align themselves with my understanding, and my perspective, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to without hesitation, or consideration, disregard their particular way of viewing things, and sticking to my way of seeing – without asking myself whether this person in-fact have a valid point in what they are saying

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, annoyed, irritated and frustrated when and as I perceive that another is making decisions upon the basis of reactions, and experiences of worry, anxiety, and guilt, and wanting to protect and defend others, even if that compromise one’s own life – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become annoyed because I can’t understand how it is that another is going about making decisions, and considering points, and looking at points, and I feel that I am powerless to do anything about changing the situation, because I do not understand how the situation have developed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become annoyed when and as another makes a statement that they make decisions only on the basis of caring for the well-being of others, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge such a decision, and the person making that decision as being stupid, thinking that they should be considering so much more, and not only whether, or whether not others are taken care of, and have their life to be as good as they want it to be, because from my perspective, I think that sometimes such well-being of others must be compromised, in order to assure access to other points that are simply more relevant to life and living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this other person have a different history, and have lived a different life to me, and that they have been raised differently, and that they have as such a completely different outlook on life than what I have, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not research, and to not investigate this other person, and understand why they are making such a statement, where they are coming from, and then within this looking at a solution to direct the point that will be effective for both me and this other person, so that all points can be taken into consideration

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I will go into and as annoyance towards another, when and as I do not understand this other person – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself to time, and patience, to look at the entire context, to look at this other person, to look at their statement, to ask myself – where does it come from? Is it practical, and can it be realized? Will it be an inconvenience in my life, or will it be simple to realize, and fulfill such a statement? Can I somehow direct the point? And as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the short-cut into annoyance, instead of walking a process of getting to know and understand how it is that another person operates, and how it is that another person makes decision, and moves themselves in life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become annoyed, when and as I perceive that another person is sacrificing themselves in order to make others happy, and that they can’t see how they are compromising themselves, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge another, instead of accepting and allowing myself to take the time to understand another, and see where they are coming from, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand equal and one to the various programs, and patterns that exists within and as human beings in this world, and in this accept and allow myself to investigate, to research, to get to know, to explore, and discover, and understand the programming’s of others, and as such not anymore accept and allow myself to react in anger, and frustration, but rather direct myself to understand, and then apply myself to communicate and practically direct the particular into a solution that is best for all parties involved

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not speak, and communicate with this particular person about this statement, and about this way of considering, and looking at points, to as such support myself to understand this other person, as well as ask this person why he, or she isn’t expanding their views, and the scope and ambit of their considerations, and plans for the future, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the short-cut of reacting, and becoming impatient, instead of accepting and allowing myself to walk a physical process of discovery and expansion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take for granted that my way of looking at things, my way of understanding things, my way of considering things, my way of comprehending things, that is the correct way, and within that think that other considerations but these are invalid and must be wrong, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically and reflexively judge, push away, and remove any such form of difference from my own comfort-zone – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to be open and vulnerable to new information, new considerations, new perspectives, and as such accept and allow myself to be flexible – and consider all new points that opens up in my world unconditionally – and not with a knee-jerk movement – immediately judging them as invalid

Self-commitments

When and as I see, realize and understand that I am becoming annoyed with another, because I perceive that they are not taking into account points that are obvious to me, when making a decision, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I am becoming annoyed because I don’t have sufficient with information about the point, and that I do not understand this other person, their motives and rationale, and as such I commit myself to be patient – take a breath – and allow myself to understand this other person – to look at why and how it is that they are saying as they are saying – and to even ask them – why is it that they consider the point as they do – and ask them why it is that they don’t consider the points that I consider – to as such clarify – and not accept and allow myself to react

When and as I see that I am reacting to a statement from another, wherein they say that they only consider the well-being of others, and I in that feel that they are limiting themselves, and making their decision making process inferior to what it could be, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I am reacting in annoyance, because I am not clear on what is going on, I lack information, I lack insight, and I lack directly seeing how and what another is saying, and where it is coming from, and as such I commit myself to expand my view of the world, and my understanding of others, to be open to new information, new perspectives, and new insights, and to look at all points, and not shun, or fight anything just because I do not immediately understand it; and as such I commit myself to take a breath – bring myself back here – and look at the point without any preconceived notions of what is right and wrong – and as such ask myself unconditionally – what is the most effective way of looking at this point, and dealing with this point?

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Day 87: Acceptance vs. Self-responsibility

I am continuing to open up anxiety, fear, and nervousness in relation to career, future, money and job. In this blog my starting point will be to go deeper into the point through asking questions – because – asking questions is important as it allows oneself to step out of that automatic state of simply accepting that apparently “I am afraid” and there is nothing I can do to change this. Thus – in this blog I will delve into a real-time interview with myself.

Firstly, myself, what is it that is the core problem, what thought is it that comes up the most frequently in your mind? Well – this question has no one single answer as there are in-fact several different thoughts that come up in my mind, but I am able to see that all of them has this one single thing in common – they are all based on this underlying madras of fear and anxiety existing like a layer in particular in my solar plexus. I can feel that this energy comes up and swallows me as I begin to follow the thoughts where I go away into the future and attempt and try to look for problems that might occur, a career that might not happen or might happen, or a particular grade in school that I might or might not get.

Thus – this underlying fear madras is the very fuel, the gasoline so to speak, that gives rise to my incessant thinking, and worrying about the future. What’s clear is that I’ve written about this point several times before – a relevant question to ask is thus – why I am not changing? Why am I not letting go of this particular point?

cantletgoI can see that it’s not so much about me not wanting to let go of the point, instead I see that it’s about a acceptance – I’ve accepted that this fear and anxiety is real and that it’s part of my beingness nature and that there is nothing I am able to do to change this – I am apparently just stuck with this particular fear into and as eternity and that’s it. And within this I can see that there is a point of inferiority involved in relation to this acceptance – where I’ve in a statement that “I am powerful enough” – “I don’t have the authority” – “I can’t just play god like that” – simply accepted that this fear must be my god.

Thus – the core problem as to why I am not accepting and allowing myself to change is really about me not allowing myself to see that I do have the power and authority to change – I am able to change myself; none of what I experience within must in-fact exist there – and I am able to make a directive decision as to how I am and move myself to self-correction.

Who or what do I believe should give me the allowance for me to change? God? Jesus? I mean – it’s obvious that only I can make the decision to change myself – only I can make the decision to stand up within myself and not accept and allow my past to anymore control me – but that I instead live real-time here – and that I am effective in every moment of breath.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply accept my fear, and to accept my anxiety, and to accept my nervousness in relation to the future, to money, and to a career, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a state of mind as believing that I am not able to change myself, that I don’t have to allowance, and the authority to change myself but that this is someone else’s prerogative; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change this acceptance within me and understand that birthing myself as life from the physical – and changing myself – and correcting myself is solely my responsibility – is solely my decision – and that there is nothing and no one else that is able to walk and make this decision for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become stagnant and stopped in my tracks by my own self-design as creating an acceptance within me that I am apparently not able to change myself; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the nature of the acceptance is really in-fact an excuse – because in accepting that I can’t change – I have the perfect reason as to why I don’t have to push myself, and will myself, and walk myself into and as change; as I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that this particular acceptance is bullshit – and that I can prove this to myself through in-fact in physical practical reality walking the change through in-fact stopping these future projections, and this fear, and instead accepting and allowing myself to walk – participate – and live here in real time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto the acceptance that fear is more powerful than me – that fear is a force that I have no directive principle over and that fear can just do whatever it wants to me – and that my only solution is to try to satisfy the fear and work around the fear and try to please the fear; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how this is an acceptance and that it’s not in-fact real – because what is real is that I am able to change myself through making a decision and then living this decision in practical reality through pushing myself to not anymore be controlled by, and enslaved within, and a victim to fear; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to change – to push myself to let go of fear and bring myself back to physical reality – and change my acceptance so that I stand responsible for everything that goes on within me – so that I am as such able to change myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to change my acceptances – and push myself to understand and realize that the mind is really in-fact me – but that I’ve separated myself from this part of myself and created a illusory belief that this part of myself is apparently not in my power to direct and change; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how this is in-fact schizophrenic in nature – and that it really makes no sense at all – because really: who decides what I participate inside my mind? Who decides what I will accept and allow, and what I will not accept and allow within me? It’s me – I am the point that it all goes back to – it’s me and my relationship with and as myself – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to change my acceptances in relation to the mind – and accumulate as such that I empower myself to change in all areas of my life – and that I take responsibility for all patterns that exists within me – and that I do not anymore accept and allow myself to be a slave to the past as what I’ve come to accept and allow as real within my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand the simplicity of self-change – which is that I take on responsibility and realize that it’s up to me – that I have to walk the change into and as reality – that I must make the decision – and that I must follow through with this decision – and unless I walk and apply this point – nothing is going to happen – nothing is going to change – nothing is going to be different – nothing is going to move; as such I commit myself to take on the responsibility of being the directive principle within me – of being the movement – of being the catalyst – of being the force that moves to change as what is best for all; that moves towards a point of perfection as not accepting and allowing a single point of reaction, energy, or thought to be the directive principle of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take on the responsibility of self-change – and as such I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to simply accept that self-change is apparently not up to me – but that it’s up to these various reactions and experiences that come up in my mind – and that just maybe these points will simply one day without my directive decision change – and that then everything will become better – and everything will sort itself out by itself; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how this is in-fact a delusion – and that there is plenty of proof on this earth that nothing will change unless we as humans make the decision to change – and as such I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to embrace the pain of self-change and self-realization – and understand that in walking self-change I will experience resistance – and that it will be hard and be experienced as difficult – but really it isn’t – it’s just about me actually walking through the accumulated consequences of and as the mind and bringing myself back here to the physical in every moment to accumulate myself as directive principle and not anymore accept and allow myself to be a slave at the whims of the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as being a slave to the whims of the mind and to accept that there is nothing I am able to do about this – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think – perceive – and believe – that this acceptance is valid because apparently it’s to hard to change; apparently I’ve already given up my opportunity for self-change and that all I am now able to do is to “ride out the waves” and “try to make the best out of my life” – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here – and make the decision in every moment of breath to change myself – and to align myself within and as what is best for all; align myself within as that which should be – and must be the future of and as this world, and the future of humanity – as what is best for all – as what is perfection – as what is real life and real living – as standing by one’s self-directive principle and deciding what I will accept and allow and what I will not accept and allow in every moment of breath

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am going into and as my mind – as starting to think about, worry about, and create fear in relation to the future – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I do not have to accept this experience within me – and I do not have to accept myself as merely being a ragdoll thrown around by the various energetic whims of and as the mind; as such I commit myself to take a breath – bring myself back here – and change my acceptances – and as such take on the responsibility of standing up here and walking change as what is best for all until it’s done – and until there exists nothing in me that is of a self-interested and self-compromising nature – as energy – as thought – as the mind as separation

When and as I see that I am merely accepting what is going on within me, accepting that the fear I experience can’t change and that accordingly I must follow it, and I must make my life to be about, and around this particular fear – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I don’t have to follow – that it’s in-fact a decision that I make to follow and that I can change this decision so that I do not anymore just follow – but that I question – that I stand up – and that I make it clear who I am as what I will accept and allow and what I will not accept and allow within me; as such I commit myself to stop being a follower and instead live in real time here – and become a decision maker – and make decision that are best for me – and that are best for all

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Day 84: Decision Making, Reality, and Fear

decisions1Oh, future – yet again I find myself immersed in these reactions towards the future. So, the context is the following: I am sitting down studying – after a while I am able to see that I am done with my studies, and this would in common sense mean that I can leave that particular moment, and proceed to the next, because I’ve walked my first responsibility to completion, it’s done. But – this is where my fears will arise: “have I studied enough?” – “what if I’m not going to be prepared for the final test because I do not dedicate this particular time my studies?” – “Can I really let myself not study now, what is going to happen if I don’t?”.

What happens here is that I go into a fear of the future, and this fear is linked with job, money, and survival, because in my specific path of studies, grades are in a sense the primary point that will determine what job you’ll be able to get in the future – thus I fear for my survival, for my future ability to access money – my personal survival.

Why is it then that I’ve not thus far been able to let this point go? What compels me to hold unto this fear, and cling to it, and try to live by it, and be guided by it – what is it about fear that has me falling into the mind again, and again?

I would say that the answer to these questions lies in my upbringing and what I observed in my parents relationship to fear. Too both of my parents fear was real, it was valid, and it should be obeyed. If fear came up within oneself this was regarded as proof that something was out of alignment, something was wrong, and that something must changed in the external reality to remove this fear. Thus, I observed my parents and re-created their patterns as myself, and here I am, stuck with loads of fear that serve no practical purpose at all.

Why is it then that I’ve not been able to let go of this fear even though I know it doesn’t serve any practical purpose? I would say that this is because when fear comes up, I don’t accept and allow myself to look at points practically, and in common sense, I just look at the fear, and then I take this experience of fear and superimpose it unto my reality, and twist, and re-arrange my direct reality in such a way that it fits with my fears, so that they are justified. I mean, for example – the point of studying: the fear comes up when I consider to stop studying that “I’ve not studied enough” – herein I will instead of look at whether I’ve effectively completed my assignments, whether I’ve integrated all the relevant knowledge, look at what might go wrong in the future, look at what I might’ve forgotten, what I might’ve missed – and thus I look at that which is illusion instead of looking at what is here – practical – real – and measurable.

Thus, fear is really only possible in a state of delusion, because when I look at what is practically here – for example in relation to walking my exams, asking myself the question: “Have I effectively integrated the curriculum, or is there some points that I am still not effective, or certain within?” – then there is no fear, it’s instead a practical assessment of what is here – and within that I can simply answer the question I’ve asked myself, and then align myself to walk the solution accordingly – whereas when fear is involved it’s just problems, what if’s, uncertainties, points that are unknown, and no solutions what-so-ever in sight.

Solution is thus to focus upon practical measurable facts, and within that to assess my reality, and make a informed decision as a solution to walk the point in a way that will bring an effective outcome.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in terms of walking my practical daily life, to focus upon what I feel as fear, and look at my world through projecting my fantasies, my fears, my uncertainties unto reality, instead of looking at what is directly here, making a direct assessment, looking at what is practically required, needed, and then act accordingly; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself honor, and validate fear as my guidance in life, instead of utilizing common sense as what is best for all, and looking at what is practical, what will work, looking at what is the state of my world, looking at probabilities, and possibilities, and within that remove fear from the equation completely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I don’t require, or need fear to be effective in directing myself in my daily life, and living – because what I need is in-fact only my human physical eyes, and my intellect, wherein I simply look at the state and condition of my world, and the look at the play-outs as the probabilities, and possibilities of where the current state of my world, and the movement of my world will bring me, and within that I don’t need fear, I simply need myself here – wherein I look at things objectively, without imposing any form of experience unto what is here – but simply looking

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand, that I am no way able to trust my assessments of reality when these are done in fear, and anxiety, because what happens in these instances is that I take reality and superimpose my experience unto it, which will lead me to wrongly assess my world, wherein I will only see that which fuels my experience, and that which justifies my experience, and not see the actuality of what is here – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself, to see the actuality, the physical HERE – which is not fear-based, it’s not feeling-based – it’s not an experience – it’s merely seeing what is here and then within that enabling myself to make a decision that is in alignment with the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I’ve created such a relationship towards fear, that I believe fear is always valid, and that when I look at my future in a state of fear, that this shows me the correct state of things, and that looking at things in fear is a state of prevention, or caution, because I make everything some worse than they are, and within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how fear is really not helping me to see more clearly, it’s in-fact only making me misinterpret, and see things in such a light, that I am not able to effectively assess what is real, and what isn’t – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring myself back here to and as this physical world, and reality – and within this stop fear and look at things practically, look at things in common sense, which don’t have any charge of fear to it – it’s simply me looking at things in common sense and then making a decision – so simple

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear is justified because my parents gave value to fear, and based their decisions upon fear, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself, because the obvious common sense is that fear is not a real point, fear doesn’t in anyway measure reality, it doesn’t show me reality, it doesn’t give me a sound, clear, and precise view of reality, it’s just fear – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move myself from fear into this physical reality, wherein I as such look at things as they are, precisely as they are, looking at the facts, looking at what I am able to measure, look at what I am able to concretely see, and perceive with my senses, and within that cross-reference with another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that even though I base my decisions upon fear, this will not make my decisions more effective, more cautionary, more precise, and more clear, because when I look at things in fear, I only see my fear, and not what is in-fact here as measurable physical aspects, and dimensions, and points, that do have a real physical influence upon me in my life, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to move myself into and as the physical, and look at my future, look at my responsibilities, look at what is that I require to walk, and require to implement, and require to move myself within, in order to create real solutions, real decisions that are in-fact effective, because I’ve considered all points, all probabilities, all possibilities, and not just my feelings, and fears, about a particular point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that when I give value to fear, and I consider fear in my decision making, then I forget reality, I forget the physical, I miss what is in-fact real, and this is a problem, because what has an actual influence upon my life, what is in-fact pertinent that I take into consideration in my decision making is reality – really my mind is not real because it doesn’t have a impact upon me on a physical level, but that on the other hand is the characteristic of this real physical world, with real physical consequences, real physical outflows, real physical movements; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not commit myself to become a physical living being that walk with what is real, and not with that which is illusion, and that at the end of the day, really doesn’t have a say in what is going to happen, or not happen in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I won’t achieve more, and I won’t get better, and I won’t become more effective in my life through considering fear in my decisions, what will happen is in-fact the opposite, because when I consider fear, I do not walk with reality – as real time physical outflows – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, and bring myself back here to my human physical body, and focus upon expanding my real time effectiveness, my real time decision making abilities, to be able to make self-honest decisions that are in alignment with reality, and thus make myself more effective in my life, in being able to see, comprehend, and understand what it is that I require to do in order to make my life that which I see is best for me, and accordingly best for all

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am making a decision out of fear, or I am at the verge of making such a decision, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize, and understand that fear will not assist and support me to make an effective decision, fear will not prevent me from making mistakes, and it will not make more cautionary in my decision making, it will just serve to make my decision aligned with a illusion and thus not be a effective decision in terms of moving myself in this real physical life, and reality; as such I commit myself to change the way I look at things as I make my decisions, to look at physical measurable points, that I can touch, and that I can verify, and from within that make my decision, and assess my world, and as such make decisions that are aligned with and as reality – so that I am able to become, and be effective within and as my life, and living in reality

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Day 56: Being Effective With Money

I’ve decided to take on a career opportunity in my world that is within the arena of sales, and within doing this I’ve noticed many fears come up I relation to money.

the-creation-of-money-prev1210277226g40efFI can see that I’ve been fearful around money during most of my life, and that this fear originates in essence in a belief I have of myself that I am simply not capable, or strong enough to walk in this world, and be able to handle myself. So, when I look at money, and the process of making money I experience a sense of helplessness and disbelief – like: “I will never be able to do this!” – “How could I possibly believe I am capable of this?” – so I want to give up before I’ve even tried – which obviously will have the consequence that I do not make any money, and that I do not make my career-path a success – I mean – without physical action, and physical movement there will be no rewards – because this very existence is based upon the accumulation of physical events.

So, it’s fascinating that I’ve simply aligned myself with this disbelief, and helplessness without ever having diligently walked the point of making money in my own business – I mean – it’s fascinating because how am I even able to know that I “can’t make it” when I do not have any reference – because I’ve never actually walked the point?

This shows me one thing – that this experience of disbelief, and helplessness is really only a self-manipulation tactic to cover up the real story – and what is then the real story? Well – as I see it – apparently being unable to move myself with money is the perfect excuse to simply not take any risks, not place myself out there, and not in-fact walk the opportunities that presents themselves here – thus it’s a way I use to not have to face reality, and to instead have myself live a comfortable life without any challenges, without any difficulties, without anything that I don’t understand, without having to learn anything new – I mean simply let myself live in this comfortable state of stagnation.

So, it’s like I’ve become addicted to stagnation, and a comfort-zone of having my life, my money, my employment, and just being satisfied with that – because then I know that I am apparently safe, and I won’t be at risk of getting into a position in this world of poverty, or having no money.

This is also interesting – that I fear poverty, and being without money, because it implies that I’ve in-fact separated myself from power, and self-movement, thinking that what drives my world is money – and when I have money everything will be okay – instead of realizing that it’s not that simple; I mean I can have all the money in the world yet this won’t mean that I am in-fact effective in my life, or that I walk in self-direction, and without fear – it just means that I have money, and that I am able to buy stuff with this money to make my life comfortable – yet it doesn’t say anything about my day-to-day living because that is obviously something I must within and as self-motivation, and self-will actually create for and as myself – and this will be so regardless of whether I have money or not.

Thus – I can see that I’ve defined money as my power, and my authority – and thus separated myself from these wordsthinking that as long as I have money “everything is okay” – instead of realizing that this is not the case – proven by the fact that there are lot’s of people that live in financial excess yet they have not done anything worthwhile with their life’s – proven by the fact that earth is still only a hellhole that most human beings would rather not have to experience at all.

Thus – time to take back my power, and authority – stop blaming, and shoving my responsibility towards myself, and this world unto money – and instead see that the point that is relevant to develop, and perfect is my relationship with myself.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make money my god, and sort of expect that money is to come to me, and that money is to give me life, and that money is to give me power, and authority – and that within this I don’t have any power at all and what I can do is apparently only to stand by and watch as money gives me the ability to live, direct myself, and walk my life effectively within a principle that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate the expressions, and livings words of authority, and power through defining these words in relation to money – thinking and believing that I need money to stand within and as myself in a position of authority, and power – and that without money I am helpless – thinking that having no money for me is like giving superman some kryptonite so he looses all of his powers – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am able to develop myself into a state of effectiveness, and self-independence so that I am able to stand as authority, and as power – regardless of what points I face in my reality – regardless of whether I face poverty, or having no money – I still stand as the point of living here in each moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive, and believe that money is my morphine, my heroine, my point of super-power-giver – thinking and believing that as long as I have money everything is okay – as long as I have money my life is perfect – as long as I have money I can simply relax and let the day’s pass, and let myself go into a comfortable numbness of not doing anything at all with my life – because apparently it’s all okay because I have money; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make money more than what money is – and inflate money to be some sort of super-power that I am able to charge myself with to become a super-human-being – instead of realizing, and understanding that money is simply a physical manifestation in this world that allows me to survive – and that it doesn’t have anything to do with my acceptances, and allowances, and who I will myself to be as a living and breathing being here in every moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself to not have to in-fact do anything with my relationship towards money, and this world system, through thinking that I am helpless in relation to money, and experiencing within me a sense of disbelief – as thinking that – “I am not able to deal with money, and a career, and be successful anyway” – and as such I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that these experiences, and statements is merely a way for me to manipulate myself to not stand up in my relation to money – to stand one and equal to money – and direct money as myself – thus not feel or see myself as inferior to money – but instead learning, and educating myself how to effectively make money – and be stable, and proficient within making money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear money, and to believe that money is in someway this unpredictable force that I don’t have any control over – and that in any moment is able to simply push me down into the abyss of poverty, and lack – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the nature of money is really quite simple – and that it’s based upon physical accumulation of events – and that I’ve in essence made money to be more than what it is so that I won’t have to deal with money, look at money, and learn to work with money effectively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that in order to be able to be successful in this world – I can’t in anyway let myself feel, or think myself to be inferior to money – and think that money is in someway this “market-force” that magically moves to me – but I must stand within the realization that money is a consequence of my daily-living application – and as such I am able to learn to direct money, and do so effectively in order to sustain myself in my world – and to be able to support myself in pushing myself to become more effective and stable in my movement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I’ve a desire to stagnate, and to simply be satisfied with having a employment, a mediocre salary, a mediocre lifestyle – where I don’t have money – because I’ve defined money, and the point of making money to be superior to me – and as being something that I can’t understand, that I can’t get my head around – that is simply above me – and thus it’s best to simply accept myself to a stagnating position because that is safer; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not challenge myself to expand, and direct my relationship with money – and to understand that in order to in-fact accumulate a considerable amount of money in this world I require to stand equal to money – and understand the patterns of money – and to align myself within directing money effectively – and within this there can’t be any fear because then I will simply not see clearly the patterns that money move within and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view, and define money as being something that gives me power, and authority – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having any money in my life, in fearing that I will then “loose myself” – and I won’t be able to anymore be directive, authoritative, and assertive in my world – because I will have no power – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place money on a pedestal – and to believe that money is more than me – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I am the point of direction in relation to money – and that it’s my decision whether I am to have money in my world or not, because I am able to educate, and learn the process of how money moves – and learn to direct this point effectively – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand one and equal with and as the manifestation of money – and stop fearing money – but to instead understand, and learn to direct, and move money within oneness and equality as breath here

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I look at money and view at as something more than me, that moves without my will, without my direction, and that it’s something that I simply can’t understand – then I stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this is me trying to manipulate myself into a state of inferiority – so that I won’t have to in-fact learn to direct money, understand money, and become proficient within the use, and accumulation of money in my world – as such I commit myself to stop fearing money, and instead educate myself as to the pattern of money, and learn how to accumulate, and direct money in such a way that is effective for me

When and as I see that I look at money and think that money is what gives me power, and authority – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that money is not what gives me authority, and power – because I am the point that gives me these words – and that thinking that money does this is simply a excuse to not develop, and create myself as these words – and to live as these words regardless of circumstances – as such I commit myself to stand up, and practice living power, and authority – and do so regardless of what circumstance I live within

I commit myself to live power as me practicing to be the directive principle within me, and within my world – not accepting and allowing myself to be moved by consequences but instead me moving me within oneness and equality as breath

I commit myself to practice living the point of authority – as me being the author of me – thus me deciding who I am – what I live – why I am – how I am – and not accepting and allowing money to be what decides this for me

When and as I see that I don’t want to develop a effective relationship with money because I feel that it’s comfortable to stagnate, and simply accept myself as being mediocre in relation to money – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that money is in a way one of the most important points for me to learn to direct effectively because it determines so much of how effective I am able to be in this life in terms of supporting myself, and having influence, and a impact in this world – as such I commit myself to get to learn, and understand how I am able to accumulate, direct, and move money within oneness and equality here – and thus stop being a slave to my fear and instead understand the manifestation of money as it currently exists within and as this world

When and as I see that I go into a experience of disbelief, and helplessness in relation to money – thinking that “I am not able to do this” – “I am not good with money anyway” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – I mean obviously I am not effective with money because I’ve never given this point any attention in my life – all of my life has been about searching for positive energy and not in-fact developing myself to be able stand in this world effectively; as such I commit myself to push through this resistance and in-fact develop skills, and effectiveness with money – so that I am able to direct money and not be directed be events and feel lucky that I am able to have money in my world

When and as I see that I look at, and perceive money to be this godly, and unpredictable force that I simply can’t understand – because it’s apparently “so powerful” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this is simply me trying to manipulate myself to not have to establish a effective, grounded, and stable relationship with money – where I direct money and not the other way around; as such I commit myself to push through my fears, resistances, and excuses – and to in-fact develop a effective relationship with money wherein I direct – and I am not directed by external events – because I move myself

When and as I see that I want to simply run away from money, and go into a secure life where I don’t have to challenge myself in relation to money, where I don’t have to feel exposed, and uncertain that I won’t have any money – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this type of living, and application is in-fact simply self-sabotage wherein I do not allow myself to expand myself because of fear – as such I commit myself to not let fear make decisions for me – but that I instead look at what is best for me – where I am able to expand myself – and then I move myself into that direction

When and as I see that I want to go into the desire, and manifest the desire of accepting my life to be mediocre, in that I accept that I have a small salary, and that I have my safe employment, and that nothing in my world is really a challenge, but only a point that I accept because I fear doing anything about it – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this is me – simply sabotaging myself because I don’t allow me to see that I am capable of creating myself in such a way that I can effectively earn money, and create, and substantiate my life with a effective income – and that what stands in my way is in essence only myself – I mean – I am my worst enemy – as such I commit myself to stop thinking about how apparently hard, and difficult it is to learn to become effective with money – and instead simply do it – realizing that a thousand mile journey always begins with a single step

When and as I see that I feel that I don’t want to have anything to do with money, but instead focus on what makes me happy, and what makes me feel good – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that in order to be effective in this world I must focus on money – because money is such a all-influencing point that influence all human beings in all aspects of their life, and living – as such I commit myself to develop this relationship and realize that this is the key to freedom – and that happiness is only a form of isolation, and satisfaction in being jailed, and imprisoned in one’s own limitation – as such I commit myself to equalize myself with money – to push through my resistance and become effective with money

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Day 55: Learning From Others Instead of Competing

I will continue in looking at the point of wanting approval, and also the point of competition – because this point have been opening up recently, and have become more intense.

competition-in-businessThus – in looking at this point – I mean – what is the essence of this point? What is the real point that is the origin of the point of jealousy, competition, and desire for approval? I mean – it’s simple to see – it’s worthlessness – and it’s uselessness; because the main thing with competition is that I want to win and what does winning implies? It implies that I am something more, which also implies that I must already see myself as being something less – because why would I else have to fight to apparently become more?

Thus – what I am seeing is that I’ve created myself into this personality, and character that defines itself as being worthless, and useless – and because of that through competition seeks, and desires to become something more – I mean – this is obviously a completely ludicrous, and in-effective way to live – and what is even more fascinating is that – in living from this starting point of wanting to win, and wanting to gain approval – I mean not giving myself the attention, and focus that I require – which means that I am not even able to see, and correct the points in my daily living, and participation that are objectively seen – worthless – meaning – that they are simply not effective points.

So I mean – here I want to suggest that you read this blog by Anna Brix Thomsen about how to fake yourself through school with top grades – because this is precisely what I am talking about here. In essence Anna describes how she during her education focused herself upon winning the competition, and getting the best grades – the top marks – but in doing that she completely compromised her actual learning, and her actual education – because she was so focused upon what was going on outside of her, how others saw her, and what type of value, and status she was able retain in the system; I mean – so this is the point – when competition becomes my focus – then I loose that which should have been my focus all the time – which is ME – MYSELF and my relationship with myself.

I mean – the very reason why I am at this stage not a effective, wholesome, and completely stable human-being is because all of my life have been focused upon competition and looking at what others are doing – instead of actually looking at myself and asking myself: “okay, what is it that you’re doing here?” – such a point of self-introspection haven’t been with me through-out my life because my attention as been “out there” instead of HERE with me within and as each moment of breath.

This is also why it’s so important to understand that this process can only be walked for, and as self – and that it’s simply redundant, and a waste of time to imagine myself to be something more than what I am, or through wanting to be something more than what I am, because then I miss the real point of actual walking here – and I miss facing the real nature of myself – and instead I become a illusion running around trying to hide my real character – instead of simply recognizing my real and true character and then disciplining myself to work with this point, and correct this point – in realizing that I must begin somewhere, and that a thousand mile journey begins with a single step – but it’s important to actually walk that distance and not utilize the mind and imagine that I’ve walked it – when I haven’t.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to quell, and remove my experience of myself as being worthless through competition, and through attempting and trying to win – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I mean – why simply not remove worthlessness? Why simply not allow myself to be here with myself without fighting myself, without judging myself, and in-fact allowing myself to live and be here in this life without considering, and defining myself as being worthless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive, and believe that I require to compare myself with others, and compete with others to gain some sort of value, and a definition of myself that I am able to relate too – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I am in-fact limiting myself, and holding myself back from in-fact living when my focus goes to relationships, and goes to what others are doing, or not doing – and who I am in relation to those – because then I do not focus upon myself and my relationship with myself becomes compromised

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my relationship with myself through focusing upon comparison, and competition – thinking that I am enhancing my relationship to myself when I am apparently “winning” – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am merely in-fact destroying my relationship with myself because all of my focus becomes to be something for others to be recognized and feel good about myself – instead of in-fact developing myself within oneness and equality as breath to be a effective, and assertive individual – that do not move by reaction – but that instead invest time to develop self, and to enhance self in real actual practical application as moving with and as the physical here in each and every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give focus upon enhancing myself – and to change the point of competition – from competing to instead learning from others – appreciating that others are effective and that they are here to show me how I can develop that point of effectiveness in myself as well – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not fully embrace this point of appreciating that others are in-fact very good at what they do – and learn from them – I mean – why do I feel like I have to prove myself and win? It’s completely redundant – instead I accept and allow myself to learn, and expand myself – and further enhance my relationship with myself and this physical reality – to truly become a trustworthy, and stable individual in this world that is able to live in a way that is best for all in all ways

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear learning from others, and fear giving up competition – in fear that I will then loose, and that I will then recognize myself as being inferior – instead of allowing myself to drop this entire idea of more, and less – and realize that I am here in this world and that I exist of the same substance as everyone else – and that there is no actual real competition going on – I mean it’s not like there is a real and actual goal that I must kick a ball into because it all exists in my head – and thus I am in-fact fighting myself as others believing that if I let go of competition that I will loose instead of realizing that I can’t loose against myself – I mean that’s just delusional; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not once and for all let go of the point of wanting to win, and wanting to have approval – and instead appreciate others, learn from others, and be humble – and understanding that I will not loose anything what-so-ever in applying this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that really there is no such point as winning – I mean winning is only a energetic experience and not a actual physical reality – thus it’s quite insane that I strive towards this point and compromise actual physical education, and learning from others – to get to this point of feeling positive in feeling that I’ve won – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not BREATH and bring myself back here to the physical as breath – and to accept and allow myself to walk out of my mind and into the physical – and learn to appreciate the effectiveness of others instead of competing with the effectiveness of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that competition only leads to division, and it leads to jealousy, and fighting, and it doesn’t lead to sharing, and mutual benefit – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give to myself the understanding that I will not loose anything from letting go of competition – and that I will gain everything from letting go of competition – and that it’s only a decision that I must make too make a shift in my way of living – wherein I accept and allow myself to genuinely learn, and appreciate what others do that is effective – and if it’s practical – to apply it in my own life – as such expanding myself, and as such also the existence of all – because I am a part of all and not my own island so to speak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here to the physical – and understand that I can’t loose – because in essence competition isn’t real – it’s a made up concept that can only exist when I have an idea of myself as being something more than the physical here – otherwise I would simply be the physical expressing myself as the physical here – knowing that I can’t be more or less than the physical – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live, and fully embrace this understanding that competition can only exist when I am in my mind – and thus in every breath practice being fully here as my human physical body and as such stopping all highs, and lows – and instead living breath, by breath – here in every moment

Self-corrective statements

When I notice that I attempt and try to fix my experience of feeling worthless, through competing, and winning – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this is not going to work – because winning is a polarity opposite of worthlessness – thus the solution is to STOP once and for all – and live HERE in oneness and equality; as such I commit myself to STOP and to instead LEARN from others – instead APPRECIATE others – and also – appreciate myself and stop fighting in understanding that I am sufficient and enough here as myself as the physical

When and as I see, and notice that I am focusing upon what others are doing, or not doing – and that I am competing with them to build up a idea of myself so that I am able to feel secure, and safe – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this is simply self-abusive – and that it’s me not understanding the simplicity of living – which is to be HERE in every breath – and not needing and requiring more than simply being here with me – as such I commit myself to stop fighting myself, and others – and instead LEARN instead use others to EDUCATE myself – and to APPRECIATE others – and also within this APPRECIATE myself within oneness and equality

When and as I see that I am competing because I think that I am through competition apparently enhancing myself – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I am not enhancing myself through competition – but merely loosing myself in my mind and missing to live here in reality in actual physical oneness and equality – thus missing the chance to be life here; as such I commit myself to realize that competition is never enhancement – as it’s always based upon a state and sense of inferiority – and that real enhancement is to live HERE and work with what is real – without a experience – without a self-definition – simply being here within oneness and equality – as breath – as what is best for all

When and as I see that another is effective in a point, and I go into competition – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I am within this limiting myself because here is a opportunity for me to learn, and to observe – and to within that enhance my relationship with myself – as such I commit myself to stop competing and to practice humbleness – to LEARN and EDUCATE myself – and understand that I won’t loose anything within doing that – I mean loosing is in itself a mind-fuck – because if I am here as the physical as breath – have I then ever, or can I even loose something? I mean – no – because I am here – and in the next breath – I am here

When and as I see that I fear learning, I fear appreciating others, and fear letting go of competition – because apparently then I will loose; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that loosing is a delusion, loosing is a mind-fuck – and that I can only loose because I “feel” that I am loosing – I mean but in physical reality I am always here – just the same as I was before I apparently lost – as such I commit myself to humble myself and to walk through this fear – and to in-fact learn from others – and educate myself through looking at, and observing the example that I see others are walking – and as such enhancing my relationship with myself so that I am to become even more effective in my day to day living

When and as I see that I am compromising my actual physical process of learning, and education through going into competition – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – competition only is real when I give it attention, and I decide to act according to it – but it won’t have power over me when I instead change competition to real physical education – as such I commit myself to stop feeling inferior to the effectiveness of others – and instead LEARN and EDUCATE myself through the examples of others that I see in my world – and within this I accept and allow myself to be grateful for the support, and assistance that I receive

When and as I see that I within me glorify competition as something that will enhance my existence – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that in giving attention to, and glorifying competition, I am in-fact missing LIFE – I am missing mutual benefit, mutual giving, and mutual enjoyment – and I place instead fighting before togetherness – I mean that is simply insane; as such I commit myself to honor physical living as that is real togetherness as being here within and as the physical in oneness and equality; as such I commit myself to live – and to walk here as a fully physical being and not as a mind in anyway what so ever

When and as I see that I in-fact consider in my mind competition as being real, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that competition is not a real physical fact – it’s a imaginary creation that I’ve participated within without understanding the consequences of this mental creation – as such I commit myself to bring myself back HERE – and realize that HERE as the physical there is no fighting, there is no competition – there is simply me expressing myself here – and as such I commit myself to stop the mind-job of and as competition and comparison once and for all

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