Tag Archives: university

Day 398: Eqafe – Probably the Best Self-Help Library That There Is

I have been a user of Eqafe since its inception and seen the self-help library grow, from a couple of interviews, to an impressive selection of several thousands of interviews covering a myriad of topics. And this is somewhat a hallmark of Eqafe – consistent and continuous growth. And even though the interviews are at this point ranging in their thousands, there has never been an interview that I have listened to, where I have felt as if it was becoming repetitive. There is such a variety, such a creativity, freedom and depth in the recordings – it is truly remarkable.

When I have faced difficulties, or questions has arisen, the Eqafe library has been my go-to resource. It has seldom failed to bring a new understanding or insight to what I have been walking through. Whether I have been looking into issues with regards to relationships and sex, or in relation to my career – the search function on the Eqafe site has supplied me with answers. And what truly makes Eqafe fascinating is that you do not get the normal lovey-dovey, fluffy, positive, new age advice. You get the hard facts. That might not necessarily be very nice – or what you want to hear. Though fact is that we are not the pleasant, sane, and cordial people we want ourselves and everyone else to believe. The truth is that we are all in some way fucked up. However – the truth is as well that we can change ourselves – and Eqafe supplies the PRACTICAL tools to make that transformation a reality. Here I want to emphasize PRACTICAL. You will not need to listen to advice that makes no sense – like for example – that you should ‘love yourself with all of your love-energy and then send that out into the world with a thought’. No, no – you will get a practical suggestion on how to deal with a point – a step-by-step method. I would say that this is what separates Eqafe from the other self-help gurus you are able to find on the web. In Eqafe – things are kept real, grounded,  accessible and applicable.

Eqafe has impacted many aspects of my life, though one of the most memorable is with regards to my studies and my career. Early on in my university studies I had difficulties creating relationships and get a hang of the social games that were being played. It frustrated me – and I noticed that I was usually paying more attention to these games – than to the studies at hand. Then I found a interview on Eqafe – where this behavioral pattern was addressed. It was explained that  relationships in school are not as valuable as we want to think. Most of them end after school. Very few remain – and still – we put SO MUCH energy into creating and maintaining them. And in-fact – the reason why so many of us dislike school is because we get so immersed in the social role-playing that we forget all about who we are, where we are and where it is that we are going. We forget that it is in school, with our grades, and our in-depth learning, that we are shaping our future. It is that productive time that is going to stick with us and help us get ahead. Not how many parties we went to or what friends we managed to acquire.

After I had listened to the recording I made some practical adjustments to the way I approached my studies and the social circles. I decided to put my focus and attention unto the courses at hand – that became my main priority. I decided to align with people that were as intently focused on their studies and on their future as I were. Thus I picked my friends because of our interest in the subjects, drive in school and our future. My relationship to friends and acquaintances changed to become a positive side-effect to my determination with my studies and something that enhanced my participation in school and it was not a goal in itself. And that made a huge difference to me – and it allowed me to move through my university studies, acquire effective marks and a deep as well as lasting understanding of the course materials. I sometimes surprise myself by having a detailed knowledge and understanding of a topic even though it has been several years since I finished school and studied the subject.

I can honestly say that without Eqafe – I would not be where I am today. It is the greatest self-help library on earth – and I would dearly recommend everyone to subscribe. You will not regret it – and you will have several years of investigation and studies ahead of you because the material is vast. It has been one of the best investment I have ever made and that will definitely be the case for you as well – because the investments we make in ourselves both in our formal and informal education – that is what is going to stand the test of time and last for life.


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Day 261: Creating Movement – Part 5: Practical Solutions for Resistance

In this blog we are going to look closer at some practical solutions for resistance, that I have found works effectively. There are four applications that I have discovered helps a lot when that resistance comes up from within – and I will be walking through them in order.

Be clear on you new direction

The first solution is to be clear on your direction. In order to be able to walk through that tough, and difficult moment, when the resistance comes up, and you do not feel like doing anything, it is important that you have your direction in place. Basically this means the following: You know WHY you are changing, you know HOW you are going to change, you know WHAT will happen if you do not change (consequences) and you know WHAT will happen if you change (rewards).

If you are not clear on these points within yourself, you are going to find it much easier to give in, and give up when the resistance towards movement comes up from within. The reason for this being that you have not established a purpose, and reason for yourself, you are trying to change something, yet you are not entirely clear on why, how and what you are changing. Thus, my suggestion is that you sit down with yourself, and write out your reasons for changing.

Lets take an example from my own life, my law-studies. Now I experienced resistance towards studying and reading the course literature, though I knew that I had to do it in order to be able to pass my exams. Thus, I wrote about the point and established the following: I am changing this resistance into actually reading my books BECAUSE (why) I want to be able to earn my living as a lawyer. I will change this resistance through (how) sitting down and reading my books for two hours every day. If I do not do this for myself, I might not be able to pass my exams, and thus I cannot become a lawyer (consequence). Though if I do sit down and read the literature, I will pass my exams, and be able to have a enjoyable and challenging job in my future (reward).

Placing it before myself in this way I was able to clearly see the value in changing myself, and why I had to do it – and this helped me to push through in those moments when I did not feel like reading or putting down any time in my education.

Stick with your body

The next solution is to Stick With Your Body. Now, what does that mean? Well, look at it this way: Resistance is a energy that comes up from within, telling you to act and behave in a certain way – and this energy will feel real and overpowering when you go into it, start feeding it, paying attention to it, and change yourself according to it. But, if we take a look at your physical body – you will see that regardless of the resistance that comes up within you, it will still be there, the heart will still be beating, lungs and breathing working perfectly – most parts of the body will be stable, still and the same as before the resistance – and this is important to notice.

Resistance as such does not affect the body and instead the body moves itself on the basis of practical considerations, and if it would not do that – we would be dead a long time ago. Thus, if you, instead of going into the resistance energy, place your focus and attention on your breathing, and the sensations of your physical body – this will allow you to use the body as a point of grounding/stabilization. And when you stand with the body, on the ground, you are going to notice a fascinating thing: The resistance does not have power over you – it is only a energy – and regardless of its intensity you are still able to decide on how you move within and as your human physical body.

To sum it up: The body/physical matter transcends resistance – and when you stand with the body – you will be able to use its stability and groundedness to support yourself to move through the resistance and come out on the other side.

Know your enemy

The third solution is to know your enemy, and with this I do not mean that you should go into war with resistance and your mind – no – what I mean is that it is important to understand how resistance moves, and when it moves. My observations on this point is that resistance moves in quickly, and will peak after a while, but if you continue to move through the resistance, it will run out of fuel and die out. As such – resistance does not last – it has a due date and if you stick to your guns, and continue to move, resistance does not stand a chance.

Accordingly it has been supportive to me to, every time a resistance comes up within me, say to myself that: ‘Okay, here are you resistance – though you will not be here for ever!’ – and then I continue to push and walk through the experience. This helps because you get to understand that even though it feels overwhelming and tough, there will come a moment when the resistance is going to dissipate and you will be home through.

And then – its also supportive to know WHEN the resistance usually arise, because then you will be prepared, you will know what is coming, so that you can implement your new direction immediately as you sense that lingering urge to just not do whatever it is that you are supposed to be doing.

Just do it

The last point, and possibly the most potent of all the solutions I have walked through, and by far the most simplistic, is to: Just do it. No rocket science here – though fascinatingly enough – we tend to forget this fact and instead of moving, and directing ourselves in the physical, we start asking ourselves why we do not change, if there is something we have missed, or if there is something wrong with us, because we just cannot seem to change. I am here to tell you that there is nothing wrong with you; all you have to do is to do it. When you resist something, you take a breath, and move yourself to do it. It cannot be simpler.

So, when you find that you are wondering, or looking at potential reasons as to why you are not becoming more disciplined, then you know that ‘Shit! I am not actually DOING it!’ – and this serves as a nice alarm to know that its now time for you to get on with the doing – stop thinking about it – Just do it!

Next blog

So, these are my four practical solutions for dealing with resistance. Test them out, play around with them, and see what works for you. Maybe you will find that a combination of the applications or slightly changed application will work better for you. Transcending and learning to direct resistance is a personal process, and thus what works for me, does not necessarily have to work for you – though at least you know have some basic tools that you are able to start with.

In my next blog I am going to go into and explain the Rewards that come when you start moving through resistance, and begin your life of self-creation – it is a truly remarkable experience and the blog will definitely be worth reading.

Creating Movement – Part 1: Introduction
Creating Movement – Part 2: How laziness is created – external causes
Creating Movement – Part 3: How Laziness is Created – Internal Causes
Creating Movement – Part 4: Learning To Handle Resistance
Creating Movement – Part 5: Practical Solutions for Resistance
Creating Movement – Part 6: Baby Steps To Change
Creating Movement – Part 7: The Rewards

Day 203: Interacting as Equals

Today I’ve spent my time at the library and I’d like to discuss a point that opened up in this environment.

So, in this place I meet many half-acquaintances – which are people that I’ve walked with in a course or two here at the university, but that I’ve not developed any closer relationship with. Now, what happens as I walk about in the library is that I will meet one of these people – and the moment this happens I will experience a slight but distinct surge of anxiety coming up in my solar plexus.

What I’ve found, as I’ve observed this point more closely, is that the fear is in relation to how I should behave with that particular person – should I say hi? Should I wave at them? There is as such an insecurity existing within me as to what type of relationship I have with the other persons, and a fear of misreading the relationship and then doing the so-called wrong thing. What is prominent here is thus the fear of how another is going to perceive me, what another is going to think of me, and how I’m going to be placed and defined in the life of another.

Thus, what is even more interesting is that certain individuals will trigger an even greater experience me, these will be the individuals that I in some way experience and see as being superior and more valuable than what I am. For example today, one of my former classmates appeared before me – and in that moment this grappling fear emerged, as I was paranoid about whether I should look up and say hello, or whether I should just continue to focus on what it was that I was doing – and obviously here – the main concern in that moment was what HE would think or experience towards me.

The problem here is as such not that I don’t interact with others sufficiently, say hello, or recognize another, the problem is the starting point – the WHY and HOW – because even though I might say hello to this individual, if it’s done from a starting point of fear it’s still not self-honest, there is still no actual expression coming through – and thus the first point to handle and walk through must be to stop the fears and stabilize myself – and also to make sure that I am stable regardless of how I perceive that another experience themselves – because that must not influence and effect my expression – I must stand as that point of direction that I decide who I am in every moment of breath regardless.

In standing in such a position – the point won’t anymore be whether I should or shouldn’t say hello to someone – it will instead be – WHO AM I HERE? What is my point of self-honesty in this moment of breath? Do I want to say hello to this person? Would it be best for all to recognize and engage in a relationship with this person? Would this moment be supportive for me as well as the other? In that changing the starting point from fear – to practical self-honest assessment in the moment – looking at what is practical and effective – and not upon what I “should do” on the basis of comparing contrasting fears and weighing which one of the actions I fearsthe least – because that is simply not common sense at all.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as fear and anxiety when I meet people that I don’t know where I have them – in terms of reading them and seeing whether they consider me as a friend or not – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a pressure and a fear of acting ‘wrong’ around them – of behaving ‘badly’ around them – of not making the right decisions, saying the right things, and being generally likable around them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as anxiety and fear of how others are going to perceive me and think of me if I say hello, or wave at them, and they don’t see me as a close relative inside their mind – and rather think that I am strange and erratic in my behavior – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be accepted by others and have my behavior be considered normal and sane – and that I am seen by others as being exactly as I should

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with others and think that they are much more socially acceptable and representable in comparison to me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of myself as being inferior and less than others and that I must read them and have them give me signs of where I stand in relation to them – and what is an acceptable way of behaving and what is an unacceptable way of behaving – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach situations from within and as the context of fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach other people from within and as a starting point of self-diminishment – and seeing them as someone that is giving me something that I must have in order to continue my existence – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not approach social situations and people from a starting point of equality – in realizing that I have an equal worth and value and that regardless of how another perceive me – my value remains the same – stable here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach social situations from within and as a starting point that there is something for me to loose – that I am able to loose my face and my position – that I am able to loose my value unless I interact with these other people as good as possible – and create the best impression of myself that I am able to give – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to what I believe that others see in me – and think that this is my only value – how others see me – what others think of me – and that I must protect and defend this value at all costs – and that it will be the absolutely greatest loss for me if I was to lose that point of support in others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if I approach others and social interactions from within and as a starting point of inferiority – then I will not be able to create a real and substantial relationship with the other person – and rather the relationship will be based upon – and limited within and as experiences of fear – and that I will shape and form myself in an attempt to satisfy and be likable to another – instead of letting my real and genuine expression as who I am come through – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let the real me come through and be the starting point of me initiating and creating relationships with others – that I stand stable here with myself – stable in breathe and physical movement – and that I approach others from this starting point of equality

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into a state of anxiety, and that I am approaching another from this fear of not being accepted, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this fear limits me and how I am and will determine the entire interaction – and that I won’t express myself genuinely when approaching others from a desire to be accepted and get something out of it – and thus I commit myself to practice approaching others from a starting point of equality – and practically physically apply this – through when making a decision to approach another – to stabilize myself here – find my point of silence – and then make a decision as to whether to approach another or not – and remain stable in that movement of myself walking up to another and speaking with them – standing in that point of me being an equal in value

When and as I see that I am going into fear when faced with people, in fearing that they are disliking me, or forming some judgment of me, because they don’t see and consider me as sufficiently, and enough likable – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that the main relationship for me to care for and nourish is that with myself – and that thus the point to really be aware of is to make sure that I don’t accept and allow any self-hatred within me – and fearing what others think of me and being possessed and controlled by that fear is self-hatred and makes it impossible to create any relationship; thus I commit myself to make sure that I am a friend and companion of myself – that I support and nourish myself and my relationship with myself – and thus that I don’t look for this in others – but that I give it to myself – and that I do this through stopping thoughts of believing that I require to venture out there in order to get myself back

Day 201: Studies and Self-Worth

The season of exams usually comes with stress and anxiety for me – though this time around I’ve been willing myself to consistently utilize the tool of self-forgiveness and breathing to bring myself out of this worrisome state of mind.

In going deeper into these reactions I’ve realized one fascinating thing – that often the reason that I am anxious and worried is because I want to receive a good mark, and excel in the course – though – and here is the interesting part – it’s not actually for ME. I’ve found that the reason I want to excel, the reason I want to get great marks is because I want OTHERS to like me, to be impressed by me, to find some worth and value in me – and so this shows an interesting separation in my starting point in regards to studies – that there exist a point of wanting to prove myself to others, and build my self-value and worth through the reactions, and experiences others have towards me.

I’ve seen that there are some primary persons that I desire to impress, and included in that number is my parents, and my family – even though I am soon in my thirties this point exist within me – that I want to show how good I am to my parents and through that gain a feeling of value and worth. Otherwise there is no actual person I want to impress, rather it’s me wanting to be impressive in general, and to be that I require to be in some favorable and highly regarded position in the system – where I will be seen as a winner, gain the respect and admiration from others, and apparently within that be valuable.

Thus – the point I want to reach is to get back to myself – and do my studies for ME – set high standards and far reaching goals for MYSELF – and not to impress another – and in this be unconditional with myself – and if I happen to fail in reaching my goals or living up to my standards – to then assist and support myself to enhance myself – and not judge myself, or go into worry, fear, and anxiety – rather push myself, will myself, and drive myself – yet without a energy driving me forward.

So, I see that when I study for my exams, and when I do my exams, I can transform this desire to be approved, to instead utilizing these situations as challenges, where I push myself to remain stable in the face of adversities and challenges – and where I push myself to reach my goals, and apply myself to the best of my ability – and not accept and allow anything less of myself than what I know am capable of – and where I take into account that my studiousness will pay off in that it will be a stepping stone into my future – thus I take the point back to myself – and make studying something I do for myself – make exams something that I do for me – make schooling and education something that I do for me – something that I walk and that I can utilize to challenge myself, grow and expand.

Thus – instead of anxiety and stress – rather look with excitement and thrill towards placing myself in a situation where I will be challenged mentally and physically – because there I know that I can push myself, will myself, and expand myself beyond what I thought myself capable of doing – as such I walk into the system realizing that it’s an adventure that will challenge me in a multitude of ways – and that even though it might be physically arduous and tough – I can still enjoy and utilize the process as nourishment in my self-growth – because I decide to do that.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change and transform the challenge of walking in the system, the difficulties, that hardships, into points that I use to grow, to expand and to develop myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make schooling, exams, and university studies an expression of myself – something that I do for myself – something that I will myself to excel within and create the best possible outcome within – as a personal challenge for me to expand myself – as well as realizing that it’s through this process that I am setting the bedrock for my future in the world money system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace the challenge, the difficulty, and the arduous process of creating a life for myself in this world, and this system – and see, realize and understand that even though it can be physically and demanding – that I don’t require to burden myself emotionally – but that I can walk through it and remain within and as the stability my human physical body provides – and utilize my life as a platform upon which I create the character of life I see have the potential to live – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace my exam that I am going to have tomorrow – to embrace all possible outcomes – to embrace all possible outflows – and to stabilize myself within and as my human physical body and remain stable throughout the event

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to excel in my studies, and get the best mark, get recognized and highly valued by my teachers, and my parents, thinking that this is how I generate value for myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not unconditionally value myself – to not unconditionally give myself the piece of mind to know that regardless of the outcome of the test and my exams – I will stand by myself in stability within and as my human physical body – and not accept and allow myself to be influenced on a feeling or emotional level

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become nervous and anxious as to not producing the best mark tomorrow at my exam – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and define my self-value and self-worth according to the mark I receive – and according to the reactions I receive from family members and other close relatives as to my grades – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thus not accept myself unconditionally – and embrace the test and all outcomes and realize that regardless of what mark I receive I will still love myself – and accept myself – and not accept and allow myself to limit my relationship with myself upon the basis of how I am graded and categorized in the system of money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be nervous and anxious that I won’t produce the best mark – that I will receive questions that are too difficult and tough to get through – and that I am because of that going to fail with my exam – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a hope and desire within me – that I am going to succeed with my exams – that I am going to succeed with my education – that I am going to be able to get a fantastic and desirable job when I am done with my degree – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto that positive self-image in my mind – and have that as a desire that burns within me and drives me forward – not realizing that this creates an equal amount of fear and anxiety that serves to stagnate me and make me mentally ineffective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my value through the self-definition that ‘I am intelligent’ and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the only real value and skill that I have is that I can study effectively, memorize information, and then repeat it before teachers and get good grades in school – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my relationship with myself in thinking that all of my stability and my value rests upon my enabling myself to achieve in school – not seeing, realizing and understanding that this is not all of me – that this doesn’t signify the entirety of my relationship with myself – and thus I commit myself to accept and value myself regardless of how I am evaluated and defined through marks and grades in school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not value and accept myself regardless of marks and grades in school – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that marks and grades in school is my only asset – the only thing that I have to compete with in this harsh and brutal world – and that thus I must at all stages always impress upon others – and make sure that I get the best grades – the best marks – and that I prove my excellence and capabilities to others – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here to and as my human physical body – and give myself the present of valuing and accepting myself unconditionally – not accepting and allowing any roadblocks within me to stand in the way of me living me life in a constant state of stability – where I don’t fluctuate or move regardless of the situation I am facing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for acceptance and stability – and expect these expressions to come through when and if I am able to effectively place myself in the world system – and create a life for myself that is stable with regards to money – and where I have a prestigious and highly regarded job – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for my own salvation – to wait for my own life to happen – instead of me giving myself permission and allowance to live that here – to not anymore wait for something to manifest in my future – but instead give this point to myself here – that I am stability – that I am sound and grounded – and regardless of the outcome of my test and my exam – I will stand here grounded and stable with myself and not accept and allow myself to waver

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into the worrisome-character, as thinking about whether or whether not I am going to get the best mark in the test and exam to come, and whether or whether not I’ll be able to get a good and prestigious job in the future – I immediately stop myself – I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this fear and anxiety is misplaced – that I don’t require it and need to live a fulfilling life – and that I must give myself the permission to not succeed with my goals and plans – and be fine with that – and stand in such a way within me that regardless of how my physical reality moves – I remain grounded – physical – sound and stable – and nothing moves within me; thus I commit myself to breathe through these reactions – and ground myself back into my physical body – and state to myself that I am here – and I accept and value myself regardless of the outcome of my exam

I commit myself to with self-forgiveness and self-commitment statements – work with my self-experience – so that I don’t anymore go into anxiety and fear when I am faced with challenges in this world with regards to money – and thus I commit myself to practice and create a stability within me that can’t be touched – that is unbreakable – that is untouchable – and that regardless of the outcome in my world – I stand within and as this stability and move myself

I commit myself to accept and love myself regardless of the outcome of my exam

I commit myself to not base my value and worth on the outcome of my exam

I commit myself to support myself through the exam – and through writing the exam – through breathing and grounding myself back into my human physical body – and not accepting and allowing myself to make this event in anyway emotional – but rather walk through it as the physical and mental challenge that it is in-fact – and enjoy the point of seeing how effective I can be in this pressure situation – and how I can push myself to be stable and walk the point regardless of the pressure of the situation

Day 182: Learning To Love Studies With Self-forgiveness (Part 1)

Throughout most of my life studying and education were merely obstacles and obnoxious events that cut short the time I’d available for leisure and pastime hobbies. I detested most of the subjects I had to grind my way through, and as I was entering my seventh or eighth year of education, I really began to feel tired and fed up with school.

When I was done with my twelfth school year and in that finished gymnasium, I sighed in relief and assumed that I would now be able to enter freedom and leave this tedious and frigid world of schooling behind me. Obviously, that wasn’t to be the case, of which I am grateful, though the reason that I later came to appreciate education didn’t have to do with education in itself, rather it was a change that I went through that made the difference – but I revisit this later.

So, let’s continue with the story, after I was done with my gymnasium, I proceeded to investigate the world through travelling, and visiting new and exotic places, learning new crafts, talking with people, and fulfilling my lust for adventure. It was in conjunction with this part of my life that I happened upon Desteni, and the message of self-forgiveness – and this would turn out to be crucial ingredient in how I managed to change my relationship to studies – but more of this later.

During these years of adventure, I must honestly say that my life lacked any and all direction, I was just out to get my fix – the experience of freedom – which was really not freedom in-fact, instead it was a polarity reaction towards the previous years of tristesse and boredom that I’d experienced in public education. So, as a form of rebellion against the establishment, I spent some years of my life in drifting and wandering around, pursuing various dreams and fantasies, hoping to hit the jackpot of that ultimate lifestyle; which at that moment in time was becoming a musician, and earning living on what I enjoyed doing.

This though came to change as I discovered and explored the world of self-forgiveness – because with self-forgiveness I was able to let go of my inflated dreams, and start considering reality – what could I do with my life that would actually work? Where and how could I realistically place myself in this world? Obviously, I could now see that the music business was a disaster, and that even those musicians that had made a name for themselves had great difficulties with surviving. Self-forgiveness thus cured me of my illusions and served to ground me back in this world, and this physical existence – and in this newfound stability I saw and realized that I had to give myself some direction, I’d to make a decision where I should go, and in what position I should place myself.

Though it was still difficult for me to clearly see what I could do with myself and at some point a friend of mine suggested that I should study Law – so this is what I decided to do. Now, as I shared in the beginning, school was not exactly a point of pleasure for me – and my first years of Law studies also to some extent came to be colored with my remembrances of dislike towards schooling and learning. But already at this early stage, there was a definitive shift in me – and this became clearer as I progressed in my studies – what was coming through in my studies, and in me learning the subjects, and their vocabularies was a joy, pleasure and pride – studying was becoming fun!

Though, let’s slow down for a moment and look at what really happened here, what was it that changed in me, that made studying go from boredom, and tristesse, to fun and enjoyment? The key to this change is to be found in self-forgiveness – and I will not go deeper into the mechanics of self-forgiveness in this blog – rather I will share the effects of self-forgiveness. Now, self-forgiveness is an amazing tool as it opens up the door to SELF – yes – it makes it possible for me, and anyone else, to get to know themselves – and here is the most fascinating part of self-forgiveness – in applying and using self-forgiveness – you will begin developing a direct and clear relationship to YOURSELF.

But, what does this mean? Developing a relationship to yourself?

To give you an example, math was according to the younger me a particularly distasteful subject, so full of numbers, rules, and regulations, strict, empty, and pointless – and the main thing circulating my mind as I had to sit with these books was: “Why should I even learn this?” – and this very question reveals the problem – there was no clear reason, no clear why, no clear direction – instead I would just go with what I did or didn’t feel, and with what my parents or teachers told me – math was just something I did because it should be done – there was no ME – no SELF present at all.

But now, what was it that began happening after I’d been working with self-forgiveness for a while? I will give you an example: Last summer I took a course in national economics, and to my initial dread, it happened to contain massive amounts of quite complicated math – and at the outset I had no idea what to do, or how to learn all of it – the material seemed to be overwhelming, and within me I still carried the idea that “math is boring” – though it all took a very interesting turn: As I progressed with the course, I started to notice that math was not just about math – the subject math was actually a method, and tool, that challenged me to develop certain skills on a beingness and self level – it challenged me to live and apply certain words. Because to do math effectively, I realized that I had to be precise, focused, specific and detailed – I could not miss a single digit, or miss a single rule – if I did, the end result would turn out wrong and the equation would fail. Within this I found my why, my motivation, and my reason to push myself to learn and walk the course to its end – my motivation became to excel and better myself – to develop myself; and math, instead of being a necessary evil for me to complete my university degree, became a pleasure in its own right – where I could put myself to the test and strengthen my ability to live with precision and detail.

Thus, something amazing happened, I actually developed a relationship to the subject that was direct, where my interaction with the subject was not anymore about an experience, or a goal separate from me, instead my movement with the subject was based upon myself – it was based upon me seeing how in walking the course effectively and specifically, I could actually gift myself with new expressions and abilities, and enhance myself in a way that would last for the reminder of my life – AND the reason that I could do this was because of self-forgiveness; because self-forgiveness enhance and strengthen that self-relationship – and in using it over a long period time – you will through self-forgiveness cement a strong foundational relationship with yourself that will spread out into and influence all other areas of your life– making your interaction and participation with life, responsibilities, commitments, work, friends, colleagues, children and family an expression instead of a chore – where your PRESENCE and AWARENESS come through and start seeing how to build, developed, enhance, and affect through yourself in the movement of your everyday life.

In the next blog – I am going to continue with how self-forgiveness assisted and supported me to learn to enjoy learning, studying and education – and how I within that came to develop a fondness for reading, writing, and the dry subject of law.

Day 170: Successful people… and ME!

Today I was hanging out with some friends and we were discussing career and future decisions, and appropriately enough, we happened upon the subject of what jobs we’ve had in the past. My friend then shared with me that he’d been to a renowned firm, a company that is big, and have a celebrated past, and actually: most of my fellow classmates probably have dreams about setting their foot in such workplace.

When my friend shared this with me I got literally stung with jealousy, I mean, it came up nothing short of a punch in my solar plexus area – and the nature of the experience was: NO! – lol – “He got it and not me!” – “I wanted to get it!”.

As they day continued, I noticed these peculiar thoughts popping up in my mind, where I could see that I compared myself to my friend, looked at my past, my education, my decisions, my life in general, and what type of opportunities that I’d manifested for myself, and then compared these with what I heard about my friend. And in doing this, I could see that I was taking myself into a experience of gloominess, and depression, and it felt as if I was attacking myself within, punishing myself that I didn’t create myself in the same way as my friend, and that I thus didn’t make sure that I go the same type of job, and the same type of life that my friend was about to step into.

So, if I take this back to common sense, and look at it, I am able to see that this friend of my represents my desires, and he shows me very clearly where I still exist within a state of competition, a state of fear, and a state of survival, and where I try to get ahead of others in order to feel good about myself, and to prove myself – and this is obviously not the point in life, it’s obviously not the point of why I am here – I mean, what purpose does it in-fact serve to get a super-good job, only to have that job and to feel better than others? It’s really meaningless and probably one of the big reasons why we human-beings have never managed to actually change anything in our world, because we’ve always been super-concerned with wanting to win, compete, and survive – so super-concerned that we’ve totally forgotten ourselves, our world, this system, our responsibilities and how it is that we’re affecting life on this planet with our actions.

Thus, my self-forgiveness today will be directed towards this particular point of competition, the competition that leads into jealousy, the jealousy being that point of feeling like a looser because another have something that I desire and want – and in this case: having a position in the world system that I’ve defined as envious and desirable.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become jealous at another for having a job that is considered to be advantageous and desirable in the world system, and that is seen as being connected with having status, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to place myself in an equal position as this other person, and have a similar job, and have a similar career, and be in the top of the system, so that I am able to feel like I am winner – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my decisions, and movement in life on the basis of wanting to be a winner, and wanting to come out on top and in this not care about life, about this world, about humanity in its entirety but only care about myself, my desires, my experiences, and my future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself in such a way wherein I only care about myself, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a desire of wanting to place myself in the top brackets of the system, and have a job that others see as desirable – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to impress upon others and show them how much status and power I’ve in the system so that I can feel like I am winner, and that I am better than others – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this particular point is coming from within and as a desire to be special, and to be unique, and to be termed, defined, and seen as a winner, and as being more than others, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be satisfied and content with being equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist equality, because in equality no one is better than another, no one has more stature, status or power than another, all are on the same level, and all are of the same value and worth, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose myself in competition, desire, and wanting to be the best, instead of realizing that my life will not contribute to anything when and as I accept and allow this to be my starting point, and my direction in life, and what I want to have, and what I want to create, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change my focus, and my direction, to instead start caring about others, start appreciating others, and making my life to be about changing, and contributing, and making a difference, and creating a life of worth, and value in this world system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a dog in a dog eat dog world – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept this game, to identify and define myself according to this game, and to believe that the only way to lead one’s life in this world is through playing this game, and making sure that I win this game, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not align myself with and as my human physical body, and instead of living to win, live in such a way that I make everyone a winner, that each person that comes into my world is an equal, that each human being that exists in this world is an equal and thus deserves an equal opportunity, and an equal life, just as I do – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose myself in the desire and strife to become more than others, instead of focusing my life upon how I am able to assist and support others, how I am able to assist and support life to come through, and become something more

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a glorious career wherein I am seen by others as having a perfect life, having the perfect girlfriend, having the perfect family, having the perfect intellect, having the perfect personality, being successful and famous in each and every instance and part of my life, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive for me, instead of accepting and allowing myself to change my striving, and instead strive to create, and found a difference in this world – and make my life to be about something tangible, something that I am able to touch, and have impact in this life, not only living for myself, and having my life become perfect, and desirable, but creating a life for all that is truly respectable, and dignified, and that all enjoy and where no one is compromised or left behind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire my life, and my future to be perfect, so that I can brag to others about, and feel superior, and above others in how effective, and strong I was in creating my perfect future, and my perfect life, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become lost in desire, instead of making the focus in my life to be about contributing to an existence, and a world, and a life that is heaven on earth – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to align my mind, and my daily living, and my daily considerations to take into account this aspect of actually making something worthwhile with my life, wherein worthwhile is not only something that means that my life is to be the best that it can be, but that I contribute to make sure that everyone’s life is the best life that they can possibly have – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that having an active mind is really only showing me that I am still selfish and that I don’t really care about another – and thus I commit and push myself to start caring about life – start caring about others – and making me an instrument of life that is here to contribute to life and a future that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with my life, with my future, and with my career, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to without consideration, without regard, without care, only focus on myself, instead of accepting and allowing myself to expand my perspective, and my view to include this world, humanity, earth, the animals, and everything that is here, and realize that in order to live a fulfilling life I require to give as I’d like to receive, I require to be a catalyst that makes life worthwhile not only for myself but for everyone in my life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push and will myself to walk out of my self-interested mind and into physical equality – wherein I look at another as myself, I place myself in their shoe’s and I accept and allow myself to take responsibility for this world and how it has ended up looking – and as such commit myself to become a contributory force that lives to expand and create a life that is best for all – that means something – and that allows for life to flourish and grow to it’s utmost potential

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I go into future projections, wherein I dream about my career, about my life, my future, my potential, I stop, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that it’s through these dreams that I separate myself from the rest of humanity, from the rest of this existence, and from the rest of earth, and that in order to really contribute, I require to let go of my ego and my desire to win, and be special; and thus I commit myself to train myself to consider others, to care for others, and I commit myself to make my purpose in life to be that of contributing to the lives of others and to life on earth

I commit myself to daily selfless acts wherein I participate, walk and move myself to bring about a world that is best for all – where I act – and I move not for my own pleasure or satisfaction – but for the betterment of everyone – to create a world that is magnificent

I commit myself to expand my viewpoint and to include the rest of this world – and I commit myself to first train this point with learning to care about those closest to me in my world – and learning to show, share and live compassion with those that are in my immediate environment – and then expand this point to include the rest of this world and humanity

Day 103: Real Value and Real Success

Since writing out my experiences in regards to the future I’ve noticed a definitive decrease in fear and anxiety – and this point was also present as I was writing my exams, even though I was nervous, there still was a stability within me, and I did not go into a state of acting in complete nervousness, I could still remain calm, and use common sense, and within this I am satisfied in terms of how I executed my exam.

Today I am going to continue writing on this topic of anxieties and fears in regards to career, school and exams – and today I am going to look at the point of how I am able to change and re-direct my starting point in relation to school and career, so that when I push myself to perfect myself, I do this not to gain a particular response as recognition, but I instead do it as and for myself.

This reminds me of an essay I wrote a couple of weeks ago, as I wrote it I was meticulous, I was precise, and the finished product was as near perfection as I could’ve gotten, yet still the mark I achieved wasn’t what I’d expected but lesser. I discussed what had happened with a being in my world, and she brought up the point of realizing that, in essence we’ve got no control over how others will interpret and respond to the work we produce, and that as such, the point to place value within is not how others respond, but in looking at ourselves, and whether we’re in-fact satisfied with our own creation – did we move ourselves in alignment with our fullest potential, is this work, this thing, an expression of myself, or only a robotically spit out piece of paper I’ve done just to get by?

See, the difference in the approach is that in writing from a starting point of myself, the paper I write become an expression of myself, and thus within that I can be satisfied with myself in knowing that I did push myself to make this product, this paper, a true expression of myself that I can stand by, because I can self-honesty say that I did give it my all, I did push myself to the utmost, and the creation is from the perspective, perfect; looking at it this way it obviously doesn’t matter what mark I will receive, what grade I will receive, because I know – that what I did was truly a masterpiece – a expression of myself – and this stands regardless of how I am evaluated in the system.

This point is cool, because in walking from this perspective, obviously there can’t be fear of loss, because I do not want a specific response, it’s not about how others react, it’s about me, and me pushing myself to express myself and not accept and allow anything less from myself than what and who I am.

Thus, in this I will change career, and school, from being a point of searching for recognition, to instead being a point of me express myself, perfecting myself, and becoming more effective and specific in the skills I have developed and in developing new skills.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not in terms of my commitments and responsibilities that I am walking and handling in this lifetimechange my starting-point – from wanting and desiring to be accepted and recognized, to instead walk my commitments and responsibilities from a starting point of me perfecting myself, me creating myself, and me expressing myself, and me not accepting and allowing anything less from myself than what I am able to stand as and express as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not in regards to my interaction and relationship with my school, and career, change the definition of the word success, to instead of being targeted to getting somewhere “out there” – realize that success is an expression of myself, is something that I can give myself, and that it’s not about what I become and do out there, but it’s about what I will accept and allow from myself and what-not – what I will push myself to stand, live, and walk as in my daily living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in instead of placing value in what response I receive, to place value on who I am, and how I walk, and how I apply myself in every moment, that this will remove anxiety, stress and nervousness, because then it’s not anymore about how others see me, it’s about me relationship with myself, which can’t be lost, because it’s HERE, and I have full control over this relationship, in that I decide to develop it, I decide to create it, I decide to perfect – and thus it’s not a want – it’s a simple practical point of being HERE with myself – and applying myself here to the fullest of my capabilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the solution is to shift my attention, from what I can out there, to instead see who I am here, how I walk here, and to within that, be self-honest with myself and strive to perfect myself and stand and walk to the best of my ability in every given moment

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I go into nervousness, anxiety, and fear in regards to what type of response I will receive on my application in the system, in regards to studies, career, and relationships – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that the solution is to change my perspective – and to look at, and develop my relationship with myself – to place value in who I am, in how I walk, and in how I apply myself; as such I commit myself to place value in my application of myself, and accept and allow myself to be satisfied with myself, when and as I know that I’ve walked to the utmost of my capabilities, and perfected a point – walked a point to the fullest of my potential – that is real success and not dependent upon how others respond or react to how I walk

When and as I see that I am worrying, and going into fear in regards to how other will respond to my application, on how others will see, experience and feel about my participation and contribution in regards to points I am walking in my world, then I stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that real value doesn’t exist in how others respond to me, but it exists within my application, as the WHO I AM, as the what I will accept and allow and what I will not accept and allow; and thus I commit myself to value myself, my participation, my discipline, my commitment, and my decision to walk, and how I am walking – and to develop this relationship with myself, and stop focusing upon how others respond and feel in regards to what I do

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