Tag Archives: unknown

decision

Day 315: Missing Me In My Decisions

Today I had a listen to two interviews on Eqafe:

These two interviews are about points that we face when it comes to big decisions, such as deciding upon a career, where to live, or what relationship to go into. The primary experience that is discussed is the fear of making the wrong decision, where this experience comes from,  how, and why it is created.

I can now see that the one point holding me back from seeing with clarity is that I do not accept and allow myself to consider MYSELF in the decisions that I make. It is easy for me to make a decision, set a goal, and then will myself to achieve it, without asking myself, and looking within myself at what it is that I would actually want – or rather – what would be BEST for me? What would ENHANCE and EMPOWER me? What would make me BEST for and as myself?

For example, when it comes to looking at my future, I have not asked myself what direction would best fit my beingness, my way of expressing and sharing myself, and instead, I have looked at the practicalities, and the practicalities only. There is also my relationship with myself to consider, and this relationship is not based solely on what is practical, there is something more to it, and that more is WHO I AM as a being, how I genuinely express and experience my life.

I am grateful that I have been able to now see, and define from where this reaction of uncertainty arise, because it reveals a lot. I can see how this way of approaching life arise from inflexibility, ideals, ideas, and judgments towards myself, where I do not consider WHO I AM, but rather make a logical assessment in my mind of where I should go, and then start creating my life according to that. And possibly, this is also why I many times change my mind, because I am not FULLY here in what I am doing. I have not accepted and allowed myself to also look at MY relationship to the point, WHO I AM, in relationship to my life, my career, and other decisions that arise in my daily living.

There is a solution, and that is to when I look at future play-outs, and I notice the fear of making a wrong decision come up within me, that I then stop myself, take a breath, and ask myself: Who am I within this? Does this fit, enhance, support and develop me and my being? Is this where I want to go and where I see myself being and becoming the best that I can become?

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Day 286: Fear Towards The Unknown

I stand before a decision, and in making this decision, there will be a level of ‘risk’ involved – and with risk – I mean that there is a potential that I will not be able to get what I want which might in turn create some difficulties in my life. What I have seen within this is that all decisions, all movement, regardless of what direction, it all involves a certain level of risk. Hence, life is in its very nature a risky venture.

Because life is itself risky, it makes no sense to fear risks, or to not make decisions because there is a risk involved. In trying to avoid all potential risks, what happens is that life becomes a routine motion of accepting the mediocre, and a life that is less than extraordinary, simply because one does not dare to make the move into the life one wants to have, because it involves the risk of failure. This is where I stand at the moment, and the decision before me, is whether I will push myself to take a risk, and in that give myself the opportunity to make my life so much better, easier, more comfortable, and more the way I want it to be, or remain with that which I know is less uncertain, that which I already know, and that which I feel secure within.

There is a desire within me to remain with the path I am already on, a path that is to some extent certain, because in doing that, I will avoid any potential of failure, and my life will remain the way I have grown accustomed to. However, in doing that, I know that I am compromising myself, my goals, my integrity, and my commitment to myself, to create my life, and not simply accept and allow my life to shape and form through external movements, coincidences, and by chance. Hence I see that I have a responsibility to myself to make this decision, to push myself in this decision that involves more risk, yet that holds more potential for me, and is more aligned with where I want to go in life, and with what I want to create.

Fear is a force that can strangle the potential for self-creation, and fear, always has a polarity, and in my case, the polarity of this fear is a feeling of security, and safety. This feeling of security and safety is something that I derive from having a stead influx of money – and without that steady influx – the other side of the polarity shifts into gear – fear. As such, I see that in order to be effective in pursuing the life I want to create for myself, I cannot accept and allow the feeling of safety and security, and neither the fear of the unknown, and the fear of being without money/survival – as both these polarities serve to chain me into a life that is not aligned with me and my utmost potential.

In the following – I will apply self-forgiveness on these two polarities that I am facing – and then re-create myself through placing self-commitment statements – clarifying for myself how I want to approach and live my life from now on.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to feel safe and secure – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that feeling of safety and security in relation to money – in relation to being liked and having comfortable relationships with people in my world where I feel that I have the support from others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a sense of security in having money – and in knowing that I am going to have money – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thus define security and safety in separation from myself – where I feel that I am always lacking these experiences/words – and that I have attain them through earning more money and securing myself in the world system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in relation to the polarity of fear of survival/not having money – and the feeling of feeling safe/secure in having money – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself as a physical being – with a physical body – directing myself HERE in the physical – and within this not accepting and allowing myself to be directed and moved by and within fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in order to create my life – I require to take risks – and I require to move myself beyond my comfort zones – and beyond what I am used to – and hence – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back in my comfort zones and what I feel secure and safe within – not seeing, realizing and understanding that in order to expand myself and become effective in my life – I require to move myself beyond my zones of comfort and into self-trust and self-creation – seeing, realizing and understanding that I have the power to create and build myself regardless of where I am regardless of the situation that I am in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that fear literally sucks the life out of me – and that thus – in order to live a life that is full – I require to and must dare to move myself out of my zones of comfort – out of what I have always been doing and into a new way of life – where I try new things – where I push myself to do the things I see is best for me – even though I might be afraid of doing them and worried of what might happen – because I cannot easily control and foresee the consequences of my actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my actions will have negative repercussions – in that I will not be able to retain an income and survive – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my own survival – and fear that I am not going to be able to make sure that my life is financially stable – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place trust in money and finances to ensure that my life is stable – instead of me placing trust in myself – that I make sure and push my life to be stable and effective – and that I thus do not accept and allow my movement and direction in life to be stifled and conditioned by fear of the future – and fear of not having money – as I understand that I create my life – not money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear missing out on small details, and because of that creating major consequences in my life that I am not able to foresee, or prevent, and through that making my life difficult, and hard to handle

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to handle difficulties, and to be able to handle a life that is hard, and arduous, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to protect myself from any form of consequences – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry this big fear inside of myself – as the fear of the unknown – the fear of facing consequences in my life with regards to money and finances that I am not able to control and effectively handle

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am weak and that I as such need to protect myself from financial consequences, believing that if this was ever to happen to me, I would fall to pieces, and not be able to pick myself up again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having money, and fear being impoverished, and fear not having an absolute control over my future, and how things will play out in my life with regards to finances – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overly cautious and careful when it comes to making decisions, and moving myself in my life, fearing that I will make a miscalculated step, in that create consequences for myself that I am not able to deal with or correct – thus creating suffering for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unpredictable and the unknown

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting myself to be able to deal with and direct the unpredictable and the unknown

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not capable of directing myself in a pressured situation where I have no money – and no access to basic creature comforts – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare to make decisions and be courageous when it comes to creating my life – in daring to go where I have not been before – and in daring to make decisions and push myself forward in life to walk paths and into directions that I would have otherwise not ventured into

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making an effort in creating and building my life – in fear that I am going to fail and that I am going to cause consequences for myself and others in my life – and hence – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to take the easy way out – and to go with what is certain and with what I know will work – so that I do not have to face any potential failures – and so that I do not have to face and walk a life that will be difficult and arduous – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if I do not push – and vest myself in my life and in the life I want to create for myself – and thus risk something – I will never fail – yet I will either never be able to create the life that I want to have for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the solution to creating the life that I want to have for myself – and that I see is best for me – is to dare to take risks – to dare to go for what I want and to not accept and allow fear to get in my way and hold me back – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I must also be willing to accept to potential failure – and the potential consequence – and within that – walk through the consequence – and not give up – yet continue to push for creating the life that I want to have for myself – and that I see is best for me

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into fears of the unknown, and fears with regards to vesting myself in a future, and building a life for myself that I want, because I fear that it will not work and that I will fail, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand, that in order to win, and have success, I must be willing to fail, to make mistakes, and to not get what I want – yet within that – not give up on myself or my dreams – and continue to push myself forward – and thus I commit myself to continue to push for and create my life – to build and define my life in a way that is best for me – and hence best for all – and thus not accept and allow a life for me that is less than what is best

When and as I see myself going into fears and anxieties, that I might miss something, and due to a small mistake, create massive consequences for myself that did not foresee, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand, that mistakes and failures are unavoidable, and that it does not help to fear them, it does not help, because fear pacifies, fear makes me go into a standstill where I am not moving myself forward, and looking at how I can create my life, and rather it becomes about self-preservation, and that is not what life and living is about – and thus I commit myself to focus my life and me on self-creation – and self-expansion – and on building and creating the life that I want to have for myself and that I see is best for me – thus CREATING – instead of fearing

I commit myself to dare to invest in my life – to dare to have dreams and to follow through on them – to dare to make mistakes and fail – and within this I commit myself to stand up from my failures and mistakes and continue walking – to as such not give up – and trust myself that I will be able to deal with and direct myself even though things might get difficult and tough

Day 264: Fear of Missing the Train

When I have now become a regular commuter, I have come to notice a fear of missing the train. Now this fear is interesting to observe, because it is a cool example of the irrational nature of fears. Even though I am mostly 10 to 15 minutes early, I will still have a urgency, and fear that I must get on the train as fast as possible, because apparently it will potentially leave before I have boarded. I have had this fear as far back as I can remember, and it is not only with trains, I have fears of being late to meetings, and other type of appointments as well – and because of that I am usually earlier than everyone else.

Looking more deeply into this fear, I see that the fear of being too late hides a fear of the unpredictable, because what does it represent to miss an appointed time? Usually what follows is something unpredictable, or maybe a conflict, at least, it is not something that I am able to foresee. Looking even deeper, this fear of the unpredictable also reveals still another layer: Lack of self-trust. Because why would it be that I fear the unpredictable? Due to me believing that I am not able to handle that situation, believing that I need to be prepared and already have all the information in order to effectively direct my life.

This latest point that I mentioned is also fascinating to look into, because this is a problem that I have had with regards to bigger decisions in my life. I have been fearful, and indecisive when it comes to making decision, simply because I am not sure on how it is going to play out, what is going to happen – thus – facing the unknown/the unpredictable/that which I am not able to prepare for.

My fear of missing train as such really links back to a fear of the unpredictable/fear of the unknown. This goes to show how our day-to-day lives, and our small fears of everyday things can show us something a lot more meaningful about ourselves. The solution that I see to this point is to develop a self-trust in myself even in the face of the unknown – and to when this fear of the unknown/unpredictable comes up within me – to then say to myself that no – I will not accept and allow myself to fear the unknown – I will trust myself to walk into the unknown and direct myself within it effectively – or at least allow myself to make the mistakes, learn from them, and become effective in directing and moving myself in the unknown.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that which I am not able to predict, or control, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to direct myself in that which is unknown, and unchartered to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not develop self-trust in directing myself in that which us unknown, and unchartered territory for me – and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize fear as a coping mechanism for me to not have to face the unknown and that which I am not able to control, direct, or foresee

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the only way I can become better at directing myself in the unpredictable and unknown – is through trusting myself to walk into it – and when I am in it – push myself to be stable here – and look for solutions – establish a direction for myself that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear missing my train, and become stressed, and anxious as I am going to my train, because I fear that I might miss it, and fear what might come out of that, and that I cannot control and exactly know the consequences of me missing my train, and how I am going to deal with this, if it happens in my life – hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into, and exist within and as a state of fear, and anxiety, and worry, where I believe that I will be better off, by hiding in these experiences, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the only way to really grow is to put myself into the deep end of the pool – and learn to swim

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare myself to be more comfortable with taking the train, and with not being so early to the train, realizing that I can give myself some moments, and that there is still urgency for me to go to the train, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not actively stop these thoughts of fear of missing my train

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when this fear of missing my train comes up, to see that what I really fear is loosing control, and not having full direction on my life and where it is that I am going – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up control, and fear ending up in a situation and position where I can’t predict what will happen next – and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent upon predictability for me to be able to trust myself – and see what my next step will be – and where it is that I am going next

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not capable of handling the unknown, and the unpredictable, and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distrust myself, and hold myself back in this distrust, and try to cope with this distrust through fear, and worry – where I believe that if I fear and worry – I will protect myself from consequential outflows and more effectively be able to make decisions in my life that are right and will lead me to the best outflow possible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on fear and worry to apparently protect me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that fear and worry only makes me less capable of analyzing, and guiding myself through a moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I do not need to know exactly what is going to happen in the future for me to be able to see what the best direction for me is, and how to best deal with the situation that I am in – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice remaining stable and grounded here when I am faced with a moment where I don’t have control and overview – and where I am not sure what is going to happen and where my decisions will lead me

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into fear, and worry, because I am faced with a moment where I don’t have control, and the future is unpredictable, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that even though I might not specifically now where to go from here, and what is going to happen, this doesn’t have to destabilize and make me less effective, because I decide who I am – and I decide how to deal with moments that come my way – and hence I commit myself to stabilize myself using my breath – and practice remaining grounded and walking into my future even though I am not sure on what is going to happen

When and as I see myself distrusting myself, and using fear, and worry to apparently prepare myself, and make myself alert to deal with a unpredictable future, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I don’t need, nor do I require fear and worry to be effective in my life – and to stabilize myself to make effective decisions when I am not clear on the direction in my life – and hence I commit myself to stabilize myself – and move myself from moment to moment – to look for a solution and a direction in every moment – and trust myself that I will find a solution if I continue to push and do not accept and allow myself to give up

Day 211: An Unknown Variable

In my world there has come up some points which I see that I’ve no direct control or influence over – and primarily they are related to someone having to do or finish something, before I’m able to take action and do my part. This has caused some conflict within me – and the reactions I’ve had towards these events have been anxiety and blame.

Now, the anxiety has come up, because when I perceive that someone else have control or direction over a particular point, then apparently I’m powerless in taking direction in my own life, and I’ve to wait, sit back and hope that the point gets sorted out. That then is something I perceive as a threat against my security, and survival in this world – because I’m out of control – no power and no direction.

Then the part of this reaction that is blame has come up because I see the other individual as being responsible for this state of anxiety and unsettledness that I go into – it’s apparently their fault that I can’t effectively plan my life, and move myself in the direction that I see is effective. Obviously, this is me trying to escape the prospect of taking responsibility for myself and my reactions – because the fact that some areas of my life might difficult to foresee doesn’t in itself imply that I must react in a state of anxiety – that is a pattern I’ve accepted and allowed within me and has nothing to do with the situation that I am facing.

Thus – what I see I require working with is this urge of having control and knowing where I am going in life – knowing what’s going to happen – what are my goals – and what my future will entail. And this relates to a blog I wrote recently on me standing as the fountain of life – and creating my life HERE from the starting point of me expressing and sharing WHO I AM here in every moment of breath. Because that is something diametrically different than trying to have a complete vision and picture of where I am going, what I am going to do, where I am going to contribute, and how I am going to live – standing as the fountain of life implies that I trust myself to create my life in real time – that I trust myself that as I walk my purpose and my process – my life will unfold and the points that I require to deal with will open up naturally.

Though, trusting that something will ‘just open up’ is not something that I’m at this stage comfortable with – I rather force something open just to be sure that it will open up – but this is not an effective way to go about living. Because when I force myself through life, I actually miss important points, opportunities, situations, and points – as I am far too busy ‘knowing’ where I am going – than actually living and being receptive to my environment and what is happening around me.

The trust in myself that my life will open up as I move is what I require to establish within me – because this will allow me to actually live – instead of just pretending to live attempting to reach an abstract goal somewhere in the future – that is apparently more valuable and worthwhile than life here.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself that as I move and walk through my life – points will naturally open up and become visible for me to see – so that I can direct them – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a pattern of attempting and trying to force points into creation – to force change and movement into existence – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that when I force something I am not walking with life – with breath – and with the physical – which will have the consequence of me missing what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anxious and worried when I don’t have absolute control over my future and the events that will unfold – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must have a total control and direction over the points in my life and their process of creation – and that if I don’t have that – I will not be able to effectively create and build my life as I see that I require and need to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate not knowing what is going to come with worry and anxiety – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use worry and anxiety as coping mechanisms to handle uncertainty and the unknown – instead of accepting and allowing myself to trust myself as the fountain of life – and walk into the future within and as breath – to realize that the future is here and is something that I create in every moment of living and applying myself – and moving myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts, and backchat of anxiety and worry when there is a situation in my life that I can’t control – and that I can’t know the outcome of – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it’s the situations fault that I don’t feel secure, safe, and comfortable in me – and think that I require to force to situation to move the way I desire and want it to – for me to yet again feel safe – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force life – to force points into creation instead of walking with creation – and trusting myself that points will develop and expand as I develop and expand and move myself in my daily living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I attempt and try to force points – I’m in-fact moving points further away – and I’m causing conflict because instead of taking all points into account and moving myself with the physical – with breath – with what is here – I’m moving myself within and as anxiety, stress, and worry – and I’m making myself tense and unable to see what is before me – unable to remain objective and sensible – because I just want to fix the situation so that I can relax – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can give myself that point of relaxation unconditionally – that I can give myself that point of remaining stable and steadfast – without having to force the situation to go into the direction that I desire

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the solution to changing my experience of worry and anxiety is to force the situation to change – is to enforce my ideas of what needs to happen for me to relax and let go – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed within and as a state of trying to change my practical situation to suit my ideas instead of looking inwards at what I am accepting and allowing – and realizing that I myself require to change – because it’s my relationship with myself within that is creating this entire experience that I am having – that I am then trying to resolve through forcing a change in my external environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a enforcer in trying to rid myself of worry and anxiety – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the effective way and means of releasing patterns of stress, worry and anxiety – is not through enforcing a change in my practical reality – but is through changing myself – and standing in a state of being unconditional and facing myself world within and as stability and common sense – and directing points rather than enforcing my view of things must be and become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when this worry and anxiety comes up – stop – stabilize myself – breathe deeply in and out – and then state the word that I am calm – I am stable – and stand as these words with and as my human physical body – and thus change my relationship to my external reality – wherein I stand stable and steadfast within me – and I do not accept and allow myself to become a victim of emotions – that then lead me to enforce my way of seeing things – but I stand with my physical and direct points within and as common sense

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the solutions to my inner experience is to change my external reality – that it’s to enforce my way of viewing things and attain a control of my world – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this is merely a coping mechanism – wherein I am trying to suppress my initial discomfort through gaining control and power over my outside world – not realizing that I am in this not dealing with the actual core issue – and the real problem – which is my relationship with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when I am faced with a situation where I don’t have control – to breathe and stabilize myself in my physical body – to trust myself that as I walk I will direct myself and my life – and trust myself to stand as the fountain of life and have my expression in every moment be the creative force and motivation of my world – and that I thus do not accept and allow myself to enforce change in my external world to feel more comfortable and safe

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am trying to enforce a change, and redirect my physical environment for me to feel more safe, and secure – I immediately stop, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that the problem is not my environment but my relationship with and towards myself – my relationship with life and the unknown – where I’ve accepted myself as inferior and used this enforcer character to feel in control – thus I commit myself to breathe and to look within – and deal with the reaction that resides there – and make sure that I am clear, stable and sound before I act and move myself

When and as I react in fear, and anxiety because there is a variable in my world that I don’t have full control and direction over – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this variable is not what causes worry and anxiety within me – it’s not what makes me feel uncomfortable – rather what causes this experience is my relationship with myself – and thus I commit myself to take charge of myself through looking in – and dealing with – facing the experience that is coming up within me – and not blame and project this point unto what is going on in my physical direct reality

When and as I see that I am blaming a situation, or individual, because I think that they are causing anxiety and worry in me – because I can’t control the outcome of that particular point, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that what causes my experience is not the individual or the situation – and that thus they are not to blame – they are not to be focused upon – rather the focus must be placed here with myself – so that I can walk my life – and correct these experiences – and walk into the unknown and still be stable and certain in me – and direct me through the challenges that might arise

Day 178: Unconscious Ideas of Life

I am continuing my process of uncovering fear and anxiety in relation to the future – and in particular fears regarding money, career, education, and housing.

Yesterday I asked my partner she could support my in laying tarot cards on this point, she did that, and the following emerged: Life and responsibility is something that I’ve placed outside of myself and that I see as being very fragile things that unless I constantly tend to them, and make sure they function and are properly in place – they will fall apart. Thus, fear is something that has come up within me in relation to my future, because I feel unable to effectively handle life, and from my perspective, it’s more like an egg that I balance on spoon, while I am at the same time running forward, dodging, and zigzagging to avoid obstacles.

The delusion I’ve created is that I will through this running, and pushing myself forward in life, at one stage, or time be able to relax, and let go – to put that egg away and breathe out. The problem though, is that there exist no such stage or future time, and that regardless of how many projects, or methods I develop, to ensure my life, my financial success, my comfort, and lifestyle, that experience of life being like wobbly egg on a spoon will persist – because the core-point has not effectively been dealt with.

Thus, in this blog I am going to look at the core-point, which is as I currently see it located in a memory from my teens. I was around seventeen years old, and had some years left in school before I was supposed to wander into the world by myself. At this time I began to question what skills, and abilities I’d attained throughout my life, and I concluded that they were few and far in-between. This thought-construct came up and develop from within and as a experience and starting point of fear, and anxiety, and primarily the worry was related to how I would be able to deal with my future – what would I be able to do with my life when I knew absolutely nothing at all? Would I slowly but surely sink into non-existence as my life came to be more and more irrelevant? That was my origin fear – the fear of not being able to do anything with myself and my life and that it would just vanish – and that my life would come to nothing.

So, in this I decided to develop skills, and abilities, and it was specifically done from this starting point of fear – and I moved myself very diligently and with great perseverance – yet: It was all based upon fear – and here I am today – wherein this fear is still prevalent within me – because of this one point – where I decided that I can’t trust myself to walk into my life and deal with it – stabilize myself within it – and make something out of myself – but that I must develop and create some form of skill that I can define myself according to – in order for me to be sure that my life will not fall apart the moment I step out of my parents protective sphere and start caring for and directing my own life and living.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to state within myself, that because I have no skills, and no abilities, I will not be able to care for, and attend to, and direct my life, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and form the solution within me, that I must acquire, and build skills for myself so that I am able survive in this world, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decide to develop, and create skills for myself in this world, from a starting point of fear, and self-distrust, in believing that I am not able to handle, and effectively direct my life, and living, and I am not able to stabilize myself without being certain that I have money, and I have the skills I require in order to attain the particular professions that I require to place myself in to survive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the decision to develop skills from a starting point of fear, and self-distrust, in thinking to myself that I am not able to trust myself, and I am not able to rely upon myself in walking, and participating in this world, and that I require, and need someone else to guide me, and help, or I need, and require some form of skill or ability that I am able to rely upon and that can help me get through my life so that I am able to survive, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear, and anxiety, and give into these experiences, and design my life around these experiences, in believing that they are real, and that I am not able to trust myself, and I am not able to build a life for myself, because I am somehow, simply not equipped, and stable enough, to go out and create and build myself, and stand stable and certain in my life, unless I have these skills and abilities in my backpack

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not instead trust myself that I will be able to walk out into this world and direct myself – to develop the skills necessary for me to handle my life, to if I find myself in a situation where I don’t have developed skills or abilities, that I then direct myself to do so, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself that I will be able to direct and handle, and take on, and walk the situations in my life that come up, and that I don’t need some form of additional experience, skill or ability to do that, and that I as such only need and require myself – my human physical body here – and that I direct myself HERE to deal with what emerge in my life on a moment per moment basis

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distrust myself in terms of being able to walk and handle and direct my life effectively, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that my effectiveness, and ability in terms of handling, and directing my life is dependent upon a ability, a skill, or a experience, upon money, upon my future, upon my past, instead realizing that I can trust myself to direct my life – that I don’t need and require to attain and have something more – or something better – or something more extravagant than myself – and that it’s about WHO I AM within and as each and every moment of breath – it’s about who I decide to be and how I decide to live and how I decide to approach my life and the problems that emerge that I require to direct – that is what will make the difference as to whether I will live a effective life or not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself, and see, realize and understand that what I require in order to be effective in life is not skills, or abilities, but rather that I am present, aware, and HERE, ready and able to direct and move myself – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not instead of focusing upon creating skills and abilities for myself, focus upon me remaining present, aware and stable here – not reacting, not becoming emotional, and not becoming possessed with experiences, but rather remaining factual, and objective – and developing solutions and directing problems as they emerge – and realizing that this is what I require to perfect in order for me to walk through my life effectively – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the gift of self-trust – and expand myself within this self-trust in developing the ability take my decisions upon basis of common sense as I face challenges and difficult points and situations throughout my life and living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the decision within myself that I am not able to trust myself, and to believe that the only way I will be able to get myself through this lifetime is through acquiring certain abilities and skills, acquiring money, and a profession that is stable, so that I can be certain that I will survive, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in making that decision, I set myself up for a lifetime of fear, wherein I’ve placed myself in separation from life, and in separation from responsibility, instead of standing as those points as myself – and living as life – living as responsibility – and thus not anymore trying to fix, or repair, or direct my life to become safe, and secure, in order for me to make it through my life – but instead trusting myself that whatever might come and emerge in my life – I will find a solution – I will direct myself – and I will place myself in a position and in a stand that will be supportive for myself and those around me

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into a state of self-distrust, in believing that I require a particular skill, or ability, or future play-out in order to make it, and be safe, and secure, and stable, I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here to my human physical body – and I see, realize and understand that this is only a fix, and an attempt to repair an underlying issue which is that I don’t trust myself to walk through life and direct myself effectively, and find solutions to the issues and problems that I face – and thus I commit myself to develop myself as my direction and my self-trust in standing stable and effective HERE – finding solutions and move through difficult times and challenges through establishing routes and plans – and movements that will be supportive for me as well as those around me – thus trusting myself to deal with and direct life as it emerge and develop – instead of trusting that skills and abilities will do this for me

I commit myself to develop self-trust – through pushing myself to trust myself as I walk into the future, and into the unknown – that I will direct the challenges and problems – that I will find solutions – and that I will not give up upon myself – but instead push myself until I am satisfied that I’ve established effective ways of directing my life that is best for all

Day 40: Continuing With Nervousness

Today I listened to the interview “Finalising Nervousness Support” – and the point that hit home with me was the nervousness is most-often caused by lack of preparation.

stressThis made me consider a few points in relation to my studies – because as I’ve shared in this blog I’ve experienced much nervousness in relation to walking my exams, and writing the final test – and this nervousness did occur this time around as well. So – when I began to considered the point that nervousness is very much related to one’s level of preparation – I realized that one dimension of my nervousness in relation to my exams might have to do with a problem with my vocabulary – and that the reason I do experience nervousness in relation to my exams is because it’s me actually showing myself that I’ve not integrated the vocabulary of the course effectively, with clarity, and specificity.

As I looked on this point – I utilized some memories from the past of when I’ve written my exam before, because by now I’ve written the term-exam 5 times already – and I compared my various study techniques, and then also looked at my experience of nervousness in relation to then at a later stage writing the exam. What I could see was that when I’d utilized the study technique of writing the information down – that was the exam that I’d experienced myself the least nervous, and also the exam on which I’d received the best results – fascinating!

This “finding” so to speak also correlates with what I’ve recently learned about “the natural learning ability” of the human being – and how we as human beings integrate information the most effectively. Writing information down is one of these physical practical points that give’s the physical body a opportunity to work with the information for real – and which also establish a more effective output – because in only reading information what one do is that one establish an ineffective input. So – I will cross-reference these points during my next term, and accordingly spend much more time writing information than I’ve done before – to see what the effect of this will be, and whether this will allow me to integrate the information more effectively.

Okay – that was what I had to share about my findings in relation to the natural learning ability, vocabulary effectiveness, and it’s influence on my experience of nervousness – though this is not the only dimension that affects my experience of nervousness. There are three words that I see play a role in my nervousness-experience – these are “unknown”, “unexpected”, “unplanned” – and these points are also much related to the experience of stress – which there is a cool interview about that you can hear here. So – in essence I will dedicate my self-forgiveness in this blog towards investigating my relationship towards these three words, and also apply commitment statements – as to how to correct my relationship with these words so that I can study in the stability, and silence of breath – and do my exams in the stability and silence of breath – with no movement within me what-so-ever.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a fear of the unknown, a fear of that which I can’t control, and can’t foresee – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into nervousness, and stress when and as I don’t have a complete control over my reality – and I do not know exactly what is going to happen in the next moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I do not have complete control, complete mastery over my physical reality – and that I can foresee everything that will happen in my world – that I am vulnerable to destruction, and annihilation – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my fear of the unknown, my fear of the unexpected, and my fear of the unplanned – through thinking that I am protecting myself by holding unto this fear – and that this fear helps me to be effective in living – while really – the opposite is true – because what I fear I create – which is so because in living as fear – I am not seeing, and utilizing common sense in my direct movement here – and thus the likelihood of me creating compromising situations, and moments for myself is much greater

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a fear, and anxiety towards letting go of control – and trusting myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate control to self-trust – not realizing the self-trust is not dependent upon control – because self-trust stands regardless of external stimuli movements – as self-trust is a point that is developed, and created by self – and as such not dependent upon a particular external point to move, or exist in a particular way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear, anxiety, and nervousness towards not being able to foresee whether my life will be “happy” or filled with struggles, and strife’s – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify holding unto control, and stress – and nervousness – in thinking, and believing that this increases my likelihood of experiencing a “happy” life – not seeing the simple common sense – that living within anxiety, stress, and nervous I can’t ever be in anyway “happy” – as I will constantly exist in a worry, and state of fear – that something is going to occur and happen that I do not have any form of control over

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being powerless, and unable to impose change on my life, and reality – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify holding unto stress, and nervousness – thinking that when I hold unto these experiences I will at least be able to protect myself from having a situation manifest wherein I am powerless, or unable to change my reality – not realizing that stress, and nervousness are mental experiences and not a physical practical and useable skill that assists me in moving myself effectively in my life – and thus completely irrational experiences that do not help to assure my physical well-being in this world, and reality what-so-ever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the reason I fear loosing power, and loosing control – is because I’ve not allowed myself to create these words as living words of and as myself – but that I’ve allowed myself to define these words as my ability to manipulate, and control my exterior reality – not realizing that this is not power, and this is not control – it’s merely a form of physical movement bound by the laws of the physical reality – but not a actual power, and a actual control – because all the time – regardless of how “powerful” I might consider myself to be – I will always be subject to the laws of the physical world and reality – and as such I understand that real control, and real power – can only be real and actual when I stand as those points within and as me as a living expression of me – as a living statement of who I am in each and every breath – wherein I decide what and who I am – and what principle I stand and live by

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that when I stand certain in who I am – certain in what I am – certain in why I am – there can’t be any nervousness, or stress – because these points are in essence based upon fear of death – as the fear of loosing all form of control over this external reality – and this fear can’t exist when I stand within me in such a stability, and depth of silence – that I understand that who I am can’t be moved, touched, or defined by death – as I stand as the power within me that in all-ways decide who I am – and within this that I create who I am – thus creating life from nothing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the experiences of stress, and nervousness – allowing myself to go into and as a state of preparation – as trying to avoid a disastrous event from taking place – and through these experiences attempting and trying to control my reality; and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand the simplicity of physically controlling my exterior reality as a point of self-movement – and even though I am not able to have full control – I am able to have somewhat effective control and create this control without any form of experience such as stress, or nervous – because physically directing, and moving my reality is not about mental experiences – it’s about my effectiveness of communication – my effectiveness of physical movement – my effectiveness in social interaction with others

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand how stress, and nervousness literally are illusions – because – they do not produce anything of benefit – they do not assist me in stabilizing my life, and my daily living – they do not assist me in actually walking through my exams – they do not assist me in actually making sure that I have money, and financial stability – they do not in-fact do anything but exist within me as a experience – that in essence only serve to disturb me, and take my focus away from living, and moving myself in my day-to-day life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace the points of unexpectedness, unplanned events, and the unknown – realizing, and understand that I will never be able to have complete control over this reality – as such it’s completely unnecessary to create experiences of stress, and nervousness because I do not have that control – I mean – it’s impossible to have such a control so why continue to fight reality? As such I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to align myself with the actual functioning of this physical world and reality – and stop fighting it – stop resisting it – and stop trying to change it to match my inner belief, and hope of what I’d like this reality to be like

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I go into and as a state of stress, and nervousness – because I see that I am approaching uncharted territory – and I can’t be completely sure on the outcome of what I am taking on and walking; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – there is no reason to fear uncharted territory – I mean sure – there might come an event that is painful, uncomfortable, or even an event that leads to my death – but – that is the nature of this reality – and it’s completely stupid to fear the nature of this reality as what is here – because it doesn’t help, it doesn’t assist, and it doesn’t change this reality; as such I commit myself to embrace the functioning and movement of this reality – and work with what is here – and practically train, and practice moving myself in such a way in this reality – that I am able to avoid and direct potentially harmful, or uncomfortable experiences, and events – as such – stopping myself from relying upon fear, nervousness, and stress – and instead relying upon common sense deduction

When and as I see that I go into a state of nervousness, because I don’t know how to be, or how to move, or how to direct myself in a given situation – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – me experiencing nervousness does not assist, and support me to walk, and direct the situation – I mean – it would be far more effective for me to stop for a while – observe the situation – and develop solutions – solutions are far more effective in having actual physical positive results than nervousness; as such I commit myself to instead of going into nervousness when I face the unknown – to make the unknown known – and develop solution for me to direct, and effectively move myself within that which is now known

When and as I see that I go into stress – as fearing that I will run unto an unplanned, and unexpected event – and that I will not be able to deal with this event – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – stress merely serves to make me blind to what is here – not see what is here – and not be able to effectively process what is here – stress is like a energetic blindfold that I take on thinking that it will help me to navigate my reality – obviously that isn’t so; as such I commit myself to face the unexpected, to face the unplanned – with a straight back – and effective breathing – realizing that the only way to effectively live in this life is to live physically – breath by breath – walking actual practical solution instead of going into my mind as energetic experiences of positive, or negative

When and as I see that I am going into and as a fear of not being in control, and not having power over my world – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that power, and control over this world is in essence an illusion – something that isn’t real – but merely real in my mind; as such I commit myself to live real power, and real control – which are points that I live AS ME – as me living the decision in every moment that I am life as all as one as equal – and that the principle which I stand by – and make my decisions by is what is best for all – and giving to another as I’d like to receive

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Day 34: Working With What Is Real

In the last blog – which you can read HERE – I took a part nervousness from the perspective of seeing what positive experiences I’ve connected to me for example standing in front of my class holding a presentation, or writing my exams – and the reason for this is to remove my idea(L) that I have of myself – as to who I believe/want to be – and instead get down to the nitty gritty of working with how I in-fact experience myself when it is that I stand before many people, or I do my exams.

Thus – today I am going to work my actual physical experience when I do exams, or hold a presentation – and I will also simultaneously walk the point of stopping conflict within me – in seeing that I don’t have to fight the real experience of me because it apparently doesn’t coincide with my idea-experience of myself as how I think I should experience myself – I mean – there is no need to fight what I already exist and live as – instead it’s to understand, and get to know the real me – and then place myself in a position wherein I am able to actually and for real correct myself.

NervousnessBlogSo – how do I really experience myself in these situations? Well – I become physically tense, and go into nervousness – which results in me not being able to effectively deal with the situation. One of the reasons for this is because I don’t know who to be – I don’t know how to look – I don’t know how to present myself – I have no real foundation so to speak. This is though something I’ve already worked with when I’ve prepared myself for my exams – I’ve actually structured a systematic structure as a way which I am to answer questions – and I this was effective to keep me more stable in the moment of writing my exams. For example – in my structure I stated that I must read slowly, and be focused on the words that are written on the question I am given – I must not jump, and stress through the initial stage of reading the question because then I will miss important information; and as I applied this on my exams – I was actually much more stable.

So – establishing a foundation – a MEness – that is important because that is something I currently lack – and I see that this will be done through writing out a structured way as to how to walk the point, who I am within in, and what specifically I am going to do – and then walking this physically.

A second prominent point that comes up is fear of the unknown – because I can’t really prepare myself completely when I am facing an event such as an exam, or a presentation – because there is always that small point of a uncertainty – a probability that something might go wrong, and that I then as this happen – won’t be prepared to deal with the consequences effectively.

Thus – another important point to establish is self-trust – because I see that in standing as self-trust – I will not fear the unknown as I will trust myself to direct myself through the point of the unknown and deal with any situation that might emerge.

Self-forgiveness

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown, and distrust myself in the face of the unknown – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to read a situation – and understand how a situation might respond to me – and what I must say, or do for the situation to respond to me in a way that I experience as being positive – so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can’t trust myself – and that when I trust myself something will go wrong, and I won’t be able to correct the mistakes that flows from this wrongness

2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having information as to what will happen if I say, or do a certain thing – so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being blind so to speak, in not being able to calculate the consequences of my actions – and how others will see, and experience me – when it is that I act and live in particular ways – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe, and perceive that I require information, knowledge, and being able to calculate future consequences in order to be “safe” and trust myself

3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that trusting myself is something that happens to me when I am able to know what is going to happen in the future – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone me trusting myself, and prevent me from trusting myself in thinking and believing that I must have something more – I must get something more – I must achieve something more – and I must wait before someone give me a permission that I am able to trust myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not BREATH – be HERE – and to get myself moving within and as oneness and equality as my human physical body – and stop waiting for someone, or something else to save me before I trust myself here

4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, and believe that I am not yet mature enough to trust myself – and that trusting myself is something that comes, and happens with age – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of my fear, and my anxiety – and my worry, and my nervousness – and to see, realize, and understand that self-trust does not develop through waiting – but through me deciding, and willing myself to develop self-trust – through actually living and walking in such a way that I am able to trust that who I am is what is best for all – and that I will not compromise myself and fall prey to experiences, and illusions of and as the mind

5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive, and believe that I need, and require someone else to tell me that I am ready to trust myself – and that I am ready to go – so to speak – instead of accepting and allowing myself to say to myself that – hey! I am ready when I decide to be ready! And as such – I am able to decide here that I trust myself – and to stop fearing the unknown – to stop fearing trusting myself – and simply do it – and as such apply the statement of “just do it!” – because really that is what it all comes down to – to actually make the decision and walk the decision – and in-fact do it!

Self-commitment statements

1. When and as I feel, and experience that I can’t trust myself – because something will go wrong when I trust myself – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – the fact is that what I experience is – a experience! Thus – a experience indicates that what is coming up within me is coming from the mind – automatically activated without my direct movement, and decision – and thus it’s not trustworthy; as such I commit myself to not trust the experience of myself that I can’t trust myself because something will go wrong – and I commit myself to act – and decide to trust myself here in this moment

2. When and as I see, and notice that I experience fear trusting myself – because I think that I can’t trust myself if I am not able to know the consequences of my actions beforehand – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – I can decide to trust myself regardless of the situation that I am in – or the point that I am facing – simply because it’s about SELF-trust – and not about OTHER-trust – and thus I commit myself to decide to trust myself – and see that it’s only me that can decide and walk this point for myself here

3. When and as I see, and notice that I think, and experience that I must wait with trusting myself – because I must have something more, achieve something more, and get someone to allow me to trust myself – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – it’s about me taking a decision and trusting myself – thus I can’t wait for my environment to change me – I must stand as the catalyst – I must stand as the start – and I must take the first step and not allow myself to wait anymore; as such I commit myself to practice trusting myself as a self-decision in the moment – that I walk regardless of what it is that I am facing here in this moment

4. When it is that I see I go into and as a belief that I can’t trust myself because I am not yet mature enough, and that I can’t direct myself to trust myself because this is something that happens with time, and as I grow older – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – I mean – to believe that I will be able to trust myself more with time is simply an illusion – because look at most old people –they’ve also no self-trust and they’ve walked an entire lifetime in this world; as such I commit myself to stop using this excuse – to bring myself back here – and to see that I have to decide to trust myself – I have to stop waiting – and I have to actually do it because no one will do it for me

5. When and as I see that I am waiting to trust myself, because I feel that I have to have someone that tells me that – “okay, now you can trust yourself!” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this point of deciding to trust myself is something that I must give to myself, and nobody will say to me ever that “now I can trust myself” and even if they do – the decision is still MINE because there is only ME inside of ME – thus only ME that can decide who I am – and what I will live, and stand as; as such I commit myself to make the decision to trust myself HERE and without waiting and postponing

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