Tag Archives: urge

Day 365: Conditioning Self-Expression

Today I took some time to direct a couple of my material belongings that had been put in storage. I approached the project with the starting point that I had to make a decision for each of my belongings as to what was going to happen to it – what purpose it was going to have for the future to come. The things which I had not used in a couple of years I decided to give away – this group of things included a saxophone and a electric drum set. The underlying principle I applied was simple, with me these possessions were not used to their full potential, and by giving them away to someone that would actually use them, that would support fulfilling both the recipients expression and the instruments potential; in other words – giving the instruments away would be what is best for all.

However, and here is where it starts to get interesting, as I had made the decision to give away the instruments, I began to have second thoughts, and the backchat that moved within me was something along the following lines: ‘What if I will miss these instruments? I might want to play them at a later stage, and then I will not have them! Man, before when I was a bit younger, I played a lot of music, now I do not anymore, I really miss that’. Thus, my initial backchat was initiated by a fear of loss, and then my mind moved to how I miss playing instruments and having music as a part of my life – that latter part of the backchat as well motivated by a fear – a fear that I had lost these expressions of myself which I had accessed when I was younger as part of playing my instruments and devoting myself to music.

The experience took me by surprise, because I had seen that I was finished with these instruments, that I had used them and that I was satisfied with what I had expressed and achieved, though now with this fear coming up, I started to doubt myself. I took a breath and gave myself a moment to stabilize – and I looked at the point within myself.

I could see that practically speaking, I did not use the instruments. Not because I was hindered to do so, but because I had moved into a new part of my life where these instruments did not have the same role to fulfill. I could see that I was satisfied and fulfilled in terms of having explored and pushed myself to develop a relationship with the instruments and that I was ready to let them go. Thus, the fear did not have anything to do with my practical reality – it was all about myself – and how I was actually afraid of moving on and embracing the new expression of myself that have started to come through within me and my life – where my relationship with music and instruments has begun to change.

Because music and the expressions that I could access and live with my instruments, they are still part of my life, however the structure of my life today is different. Now, I express myself with music by singing songs that I really enjoy out loud, together with a stereo blasting the track at the same time – and the creative part of music – which I before expressed through writing and composing songs – that has become part of my job – where I spend a lot of time writing – and my carpentry hobby – where I must use my imagination and problem solving skills to create and find solutions.

Thus – with giving away some of my instruments – I am not giving away the expressions that I have developed and lived in making music – because those expressions are a part of ME – as such I see that it is important to not get lost in the structure and picture of this world – and relate what I experience and live to the images – because it is not about what it looks like – it is about WHO I AM – and HOW I EXPRESS myself within what I do.

I have found that it is easy to forget this, because the images seems to be so important, however looking back out my life, what has always been a constant is that the images change. My world will move, transform, become different, but I remain, which also exemplifies why it is so important to place attention and focus on developing OURSELVES – and not lose ourselves in the evanescent creations/allures of money and consumerism that so easily grip our attention and that we convince ourselves is the most significant point within our lives.

Learn more about this way of living:

Day 121: Fabulous ME

Careers, honor degrees, becoming fabulous, and having a tremendously important life – these are things that I see I have a difficult time letting go – and I see that this limits me in my choices. I become locked into to following a specific life path wherein I analyze and calibrate my decision making to make my dream come true – to be important.

Speaking in more concrete manners, this has been specifically in relation to me making decisions as to how I am going to place myself in the system, how I am going to use my time, and how I think that I will be seen by others – so all of these points I have been directing according within and as the starting point of a urge to earn some form of recognition and status in the system – where I will be seen, I will have the important job, those important responsibilities, I will be heard, noticed, and people will speak about me.

It is fascinating to see that this dream of the fantastic future of self-aggrandizement gives itself of as the road the self-expansion, the road to self-enlightenment, when looking at it in practical manners – what this particular system does is that it locks me into a specific life-path, it constrains my decision making skills, and it holds me back from making decisions that are practical, reasonable, logical and effective – obviously because instead of considering what is practical I only consider how I am in the best possible way able to attain my desires and urges.

One of the questions here is, why is it that I want to become something and someone more? For who is it that I am living? Who is it that I want to recognition from? Why is it so important to me? And the greatest question of them all: why is it that I do not accept myself as that which I desire HERE – make the decision to recognize myself, to realize that I am HERE and that is sufficient, and that adding anything more unto myself here is but a illusion and not the actual reality – because what is real is that I am a physical body HERE – and that this is what I will always be – I will not become a “more” physical body or a “less” physical body depending on my career decisions.

Thus, it is time to let this self-definition go and make myself free to make decisions that are practical – to make me free to place myself in a position in this world where I am effective, yet not necessarily seen, recognized, or considered – I mean, isn’t this what the most important people of our world face? Those that have taken on the menial jobs of our world, that uphold the basic structures of our society and life, nobody cares about them, nobody things they are important, yet still – practically speaking – they do something for others and themselves that have real value and substance.

It is thus not about what others think about me, it is rather what I do, and in particular, who I am within what I am doing – because when I am clear in why it is that I do something and it is a self-honest and clear decision that I have made – there is really nothing more to ask as that is perfection.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become caught in the illusion of wanting to become more, wanting to become better, wanting to be someone recognized, important, seen and loved – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a conflict within myself, where I on the one hand want and desire that life of fame and importance, and on the other hand see that there are other points in my world that I can walk, though that hold no such connotation of importance and specialness, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how it is that I am limiting myself, withholding myself, and locking myself into a limited life path through holding unto this desire and hope of becoming someone in the world system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am in searching for, living for, making my decisions and choices according to an urge of becoming someone, strengthening the enslavement of this world system, that is based in hierarchies, where people step on each others faces to reach a higher standard of living, and a better, more famous position, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not unconditionally accept and allow myself to let go of this possession, of this inferiority, and fear that lies in the foundation of my movement towards a “greater future” to as such instead turn my eyes inwards and ask myself the question, without conditions, who am I, and what is it that I want to do in my life?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow and believe that this urge coming up within me, is me, and that it implies, and would be a failure if I am not able to manifest the pictures that this urge bring up within me, as me standing in the forefront, in some important position, with people by all my sides asking for my advice and marveling at my cunningness, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is so much more to life, so much more to me, than merely following this urge – and that I can instead make decision and living according to what is practical – according to what see is relevant and effective, according to what I see will contribute to a life that is best for all, and that won’t necessarily become anything at all in the eyes of others in walking such a position, but that it doesn’t matter – it doesn’t mean anything – because what is relevant is that I know who I am – that I know what I am doing and why I am doing it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the energy I experience as pride and superiority in imagining myself having a great position in the system, is real and implies real pride and real superiority – while it is really but limited energies of the mind that I have become addicted to and that I have defined myself according to – and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to investigate and research what is real pride, what is real dignity and what is real superiority – isn’t this to stand clear and act according to practical principles? Isn’t this to in-fact be self-motivated and self-disciplined in creating a world that is best for all and creating a life for myself that is best for myself – and that isn’t driven by any form of idea of superiority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my decisions in life be motivated by a desire and urge to become more than others, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within and as a stance and state of inferiority, thinking that as long as I am not better and more than others, than I am nothing at all – instead of accepting and allowing myself to be content with myself here in the understanding that I am equal and one – and that regardless of position I am of the same dust as each and everyone else – and that this idea of becoming more than, better than, is really but an idea and a illusion that serves no other purpose but to separate myself from reality here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from what is practical – from what is relevant – from what is common sense – through walking my life within and as a desire of becoming more than, of proving myself to others, of becoming famous and recognized as having some form of superior value – and as such I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the inferiority I place myself into in living in this way – and that I am limiting myself extensively by looking at my future, and looking my life from a starting point of desires and urges – when I instead could look at what is practical, what is it that I want to create in life from a starting point of self-honesty? What is it that I want to contribute to in life?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed within and as the desire to gain a position in the system wherein others see me as being more than, and as being special – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not motivate myself to stop this constant search for more – and realize that more is HERE – more is LIFE as LIVING HERE within and as breath standing one and equal with and as the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard this physical reality, to disregard practicality, in the favor of the fear and desire relationship of becoming less and becoming more – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of and as this energy and this possession and accept and allow myself to accept myself HERE regardless of position – regardless of where I am – regardless of job and income – and realize that my value is not defined by what I do – but that my value is defined by WHO I AM – and that my value is defined by what I am able to contribute and give in relation to creating a world that is best for all in all ways

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the solution to my life is not to follow energies, but to remove all energies, because only in not having a single energy moving within me am I able to see clearly what direction would be effective – where I would be effective – where I would be able to place myself and use my skills to bring forth a world that is really beneficial – fantastic and wonderful and all aspects – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed within and as fears, and desires, and believe that these fears and desires are real, and that these fears and desires constitute my life – not realizing that my life is HERE – that life is HERE – that as such there is nothing to reach and become because life is here and life is fulfillment – life is completion – life doesn’t become more and life doesn’t become less because life is life


When and as I see that I am going into and as this state of being, as a surge of energy, looking at my life from a starting point of how I can attain a position of superiority, and more than, and specialness, and being above others, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this energy is a illusion and that it doesn’t represent reality – it doesn’t show what is real – and it is limiting me from making decisions and living in a way that is truly beneficial and effective; as such I commit myself to stop myself – bring myself back here – and look at my life practically – to look at what is effective not from energy – but from a starting point of what is real and what is practical and what is common sense

When and as I see that I am going into a conflicted state of being, wherein I am fighting with myself, in fears and desires, looking at my life from a starting point of what I desire and what I fear, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I commit myself to not anymore polarize my life into fears and desires – but instead bring it all back here to and as the physical – and ask myself – what is practical – what is relevant – what is common sense? And make decisions according to what is practical and not according to my feelings in a particular matter

I commit myself to honor myself as the physical and look at life as a physical grounded – flesh and blood – human being here – wherein I don’t move myself to gain energies, and experiences, but I move myself according to what is practical common sense

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CommitmentsWikipedia: Commitments is a drama film released in 2001 on television by BET. The movie stars Allen Payne and Victoria Dillard, focusing on the relationship that grows between Fox Giovanni and Van Compton.

2012 And How I Came To Fall In Love With Desteni

I had just finished the gymnasium and I was searching for something, I wanted there to be something in life more exciting than money – something meaningful – something that I could dedicate my life towards, and find true enjoyment doing; so far I hadn’t found anything that I could completely immerse myself in, I hadn’t found anything that fulfilled me – so I felt empty.

It was in this state of emptiness that I decided to travel the world too see if I could find what I was looking for outside the borders of my birth-country – I went to Asia – I found nothing – what was I looking for? What was it that was missing in my life? How come that nothing of what I did felt valuable, substantial, of any worth? How come I felt empty at all times? What was it that was missing?

I tried following my dream – to become an artist – I thought that maybe me becoming an artist would fulfill me? I managed to find a gig, I managed to play in-front of a crowd – I managed to get a couple of people to tell me that I was good at singing, and good at playing guitar – yet still – what is it that is missing? Why can’t I be satisfied with myself? Why does it feel as if there always something left be done, no matter how much do?

I wanted an answer – I wanted to be able to enjoy myself – I remembered my childhood clearly – I knew that when I was young I had experienced myself differently – I had been able to enjoy myself, and find the most simple things to be so utterly fascinating, and exciting – playing football with my friends – bathing in the lake – having a pet lizard, feeding it and looking at how it ate small worms – building villages out of sand, and then playing with the small sand houses – I remembered this time well, and I knew that as I had grown older – this ability of mine that I had possessed as a child, to be able to immerse myself in the movement of the moment, had gone missing.

Something had to be done – an answer had to be found – a solution had to be created – I couldn’t continue to live and experience myself as I did – I wanted to return to my childhood experience of myself – but how? Where was the answer? And why was I the only one that felt as I did? Didn’t anyone else feel that, as they came to grow and become older, they slowly but surely ran stale, like water once running freely and abundantly in a lake, but year by year slowly and almost unnoticeably drying out, until one day no more water remains – that was how I felt – like a fountain of water that didn’t anymore have access to it’s water supply – there was something missing.

I found spirituality – I found meditation – I found the belief in ascension – this made somewhat sense I thought and I tried to empty my mind, too breath and somehow change the experience of myself, and find some type of peace, or comfortableness – this didn’t work – I wanted it to work – I deceived myself into believing that it worked, but in essence I remained the same – still this same restlessness – this same unease – this experience of wanting to go somewhere, yet no matter how many times I got there – there was still another there to go to.

Then I found Desteni – due to my experience of myself, as having realized that I was empty, that there was something missing in my life, and that there was something fundamentally flawed and wrong with how I experienced, expressed, lived myself – I knew that that this was in-fact the answer I had been looking for – I was ready to hear – more than ready to hear – I understood that I had somehow, without me realizing, or seeing it died during my years of coming to age, and I knew that Desteni offered and shared the practical way of bringing myself back to life – self-forgiveness – self-corrective application – self-honesty – common sense and breath.

I was looking for my youth – for the ability a child owns of being able to enjoy themselves without any addiction needed to be fulfilled – no love – no sex – no weed – no alcohol – no dreams – no money – no success – no power – no ascension – simply living self-enjoyment here – no more and no less – this was what Desteni showed me – how this can be done – how the expression of living as the innocence of a child can be re-created and re-stored – this was what I had been looking for all along.

None of my friends understood or saw what Desteni presented – the reason – they were all to satisfied with holding on to their perceived experienced of satisfaction, created through the usage of various drugs – whether it be sex – whether it be alcohol – whether it be drugs – they simply didn’t want to face that inner experience of emptiness and pointlessness that I came to see and experience within me – this experience that I had for quite some time been suppressing with the usage of drugs and additives; but no more – I wanted to exist without additives – without a constant need of placing myself into an experience of fabricated bliss – that really was only me not being aware of myself anymore – but existing completely secluded from reality and how I in-fact felt.

Desteni presents the most important message ever shared with mankind – Desteni presents the way back to innocence – the way back to self-expression – the way back to self-trust – the way back to self-enjoyment – the way back to ourselves – we’ve all been children – we all know how it is to laugh because we so much enjoy expressing ourselves in the most simple and rudimentary ways – Desteni offers all that apply the tools presented the way back to the ability to laugh – too enjoy moments seemingly boring and uneventful – Desteni offers substance to fill the experience of emptiness we all carry inside ourselves – filling ourselves with ourselves – making ourselves to become substantial, practical, and physical beings.

Thus – I am the example that our childhood can’t be lost – it can only be forgotten – though it’s our responsibility to bring ourselves back to life – to end the existence of ourselves as lost in a mind – lost in thinking – lost in feeling – lost in perceiving – lost in believing – and first and foremost – lost in FEAR – though all of these mental delusions can be deleted – and what can be placed in it’s stead is actual self-experience, and actual self-expression – this is something that mustn’t be missed out on – though it’s up each and everyone – we all have free choice – we either birth ourselves yet again, or we remain stagnant until we finally run dry and die.

Life is waiting for you to take it upon yourself to bring yourself back from the dead – what are you waiting for?

Featured Art Work by Andrew Gable
Facebook Link – http://www.facebook.com/andrewgableartist
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Blog Links:
Process Blog – http://andrewgablehere.wordpress.com/
Artist Blog – http://andrewgableartist.wordpress.com/


Ann Van Den Broek
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