In my world there has come up some points which I see that I’ve no direct control or influence over – and primarily they are related to someone having to do or finish something, before I’m able to take action and do my part. This has caused some conflict within me – and the reactions I’ve had towards these events have been anxiety and blame.
Now, the anxiety has come up, because when I perceive that someone else have control or direction over a particular point, then apparently I’m powerless in taking direction in my own life, and I’ve to wait, sit back and hope that the point gets sorted out. That then is something I perceive as a threat against my security, and survival in this world – because I’m out of control – no power and no direction.
Then the part of this reaction that is blame has come up because I see the other individual as being responsible for this state of anxiety and unsettledness that I go into – it’s apparently their fault that I can’t effectively plan my life, and move myself in the direction that I see is effective. Obviously, this is me trying to escape the prospect of taking responsibility for myself and my reactions – because the fact that some areas of my life might difficult to foresee doesn’t in itself imply that I must react in a state of anxiety – that is a pattern I’ve accepted and allowed within me and has nothing to do with the situation that I am facing.
Thus – what I see I require working with is this urge of having control and knowing where I am going in life – knowing what’s going to happen – what are my goals – and what my future will entail. And this relates to a blog I wrote recently on me standing as the fountain of life – and creating my life HERE from the starting point of me expressing and sharing WHO I AM here in every moment of breath. Because that is something diametrically different than trying to have a complete vision and picture of where I am going, what I am going to do, where I am going to contribute, and how I am going to live – standing as the fountain of life implies that I trust myself to create my life in real time – that I trust myself that as I walk my purpose and my process – my life will unfold and the points that I require to deal with will open up naturally.
Though, trusting that something will ‘just open up’ is not something that I’m at this stage comfortable with – I rather force something open just to be sure that it will open up – but this is not an effective way to go about living. Because when I force myself through life, I actually miss important points, opportunities, situations, and points – as I am far too busy ‘knowing’ where I am going – than actually living and being receptive to my environment and what is happening around me.
The trust in myself that my life will open up as I move is what I require to establish within me – because this will allow me to actually live – instead of just pretending to live attempting to reach an abstract goal somewhere in the future – that is apparently more valuable and worthwhile than life here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself that as I move and walk through my life – points will naturally open up and become visible for me to see – so that I can direct them – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a pattern of attempting and trying to force points into creation – to force change and movement into existence – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that when I force something I am not walking with life – with breath – and with the physical – which will have the consequence of me missing what is here
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anxious and worried when I don’t have absolute control over my future and the events that will unfold – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must have a total control and direction over the points in my life and their process of creation – and that if I don’t have that – I will not be able to effectively create and build my life as I see that I require and need to
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate not knowing what is going to come with worry and anxiety – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use worry and anxiety as coping mechanisms to handle uncertainty and the unknown – instead of accepting and allowing myself to trust myself as the fountain of life – and walk into the future within and as breath – to realize that the future is here and is something that I create in every moment of living and applying myself – and moving myself here
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts, and backchat of anxiety and worry when there is a situation in my life that I can’t control – and that I can’t know the outcome of – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it’s the situations fault that I don’t feel secure, safe, and comfortable in me – and think that I require to force to situation to move the way I desire and want it to – for me to yet again feel safe – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force life – to force points into creation instead of walking with creation – and trusting myself that points will develop and expand as I develop and expand and move myself in my daily living
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I attempt and try to force points – I’m in-fact moving points further away – and I’m causing conflict because instead of taking all points into account and moving myself with the physical – with breath – with what is here – I’m moving myself within and as anxiety, stress, and worry – and I’m making myself tense and unable to see what is before me – unable to remain objective and sensible – because I just want to fix the situation so that I can relax – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can give myself that point of relaxation unconditionally – that I can give myself that point of remaining stable and steadfast – without having to force the situation to go into the direction that I desire
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the solution to changing my experience of worry and anxiety is to force the situation to change – is to enforce my ideas of what needs to happen for me to relax and let go – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed within and as a state of trying to change my practical situation to suit my ideas instead of looking inwards at what I am accepting and allowing – and realizing that I myself require to change – because it’s my relationship with myself within that is creating this entire experience that I am having – that I am then trying to resolve through forcing a change in my external environment
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a enforcer in trying to rid myself of worry and anxiety – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the effective way and means of releasing patterns of stress, worry and anxiety – is not through enforcing a change in my practical reality – but is through changing myself – and standing in a state of being unconditional and facing myself world within and as stability and common sense – and directing points rather than enforcing my view of things must be and become
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when this worry and anxiety comes up – stop – stabilize myself – breathe deeply in and out – and then state the word that I am calm – I am stable – and stand as these words with and as my human physical body – and thus change my relationship to my external reality – wherein I stand stable and steadfast within me – and I do not accept and allow myself to become a victim of emotions – that then lead me to enforce my way of seeing things – but I stand with my physical and direct points within and as common sense
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the solutions to my inner experience is to change my external reality – that it’s to enforce my way of viewing things and attain a control of my world – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this is merely a coping mechanism – wherein I am trying to suppress my initial discomfort through gaining control and power over my outside world – not realizing that I am in this not dealing with the actual core issue – and the real problem – which is my relationship with myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when I am faced with a situation where I don’t have control – to breathe and stabilize myself in my physical body – to trust myself that as I walk I will direct myself and my life – and trust myself to stand as the fountain of life and have my expression in every moment be the creative force and motivation of my world – and that I thus do not accept and allow myself to enforce change in my external world to feel more comfortable and safe
When and as I see that I am trying to enforce a change, and redirect my physical environment for me to feel more safe, and secure – I immediately stop, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that the problem is not my environment but my relationship with and towards myself – my relationship with life and the unknown – where I’ve accepted myself as inferior and used this enforcer character to feel in control – thus I commit myself to breathe and to look within – and deal with the reaction that resides there – and make sure that I am clear, stable and sound before I act and move myself
When and as I react in fear, and anxiety because there is a variable in my world that I don’t have full control and direction over – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this variable is not what causes worry and anxiety within me – it’s not what makes me feel uncomfortable – rather what causes this experience is my relationship with myself – and thus I commit myself to take charge of myself through looking in – and dealing with – facing the experience that is coming up within me – and not blame and project this point unto what is going on in my physical direct reality
When and as I see that I am blaming a situation, or individual, because I think that they are causing anxiety and worry in me – because I can’t control the outcome of that particular point, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that what causes my experience is not the individual or the situation – and that thus they are not to blame – they are not to be focused upon – rather the focus must be placed here with myself – so that I can walk my life – and correct these experiences – and walk into the unknown and still be stable and certain in me – and direct me through the challenges that might arise