Tag Archives: want

Day 368: Making the Decision to Change

I looked at a documentary by Louis Theroux recently called the Dark States (find a preview here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gCClVhtJY5w) about heroine addiction. Louis Theroux follows a couple of persons around for a period of time. Among these people are several heroine addicts and a recovered heroine addict. From listening to these people it was clear that heroine addiction is a very difficult addiction to break. It is tied up with not only mental pain but also severe physical withdrawal pains. Of the people that decide to go into recovery treatment only about 10 % are able to fully move away from the clutches of the addiction.

At one point Louis Theroux asks a interesting question to the recovered heroine addict. He asks, what is the difference, why was he able to do it and not the others? The recovered addict explained that the costs of his addiction exceeded the pleasure he received and that is when he decided to quit. He also explained that his decision was complete and that he was willing to do whatever required to get through – and he did not think two times about it – there was no doubt – he was certain.

The present addicts were asked the question if they did not want to quit as well. Their answers lacked clarity. Some said that they wanted to quit some day. Others said that it was too difficult to quit – there were too many side effects. One addict said that he liked the drug addiction and that he did not want to quit. What was common among them was that there was no clear decision. Rather, they looked at themselves in relation to the addiction with complacency and defeatism – they had already given up on themselves.

Comparing the recovered addicts with the present addicts I saw that the difference between them had to do with their decision. The recovered addict had a clear and final decision – he decided to change and to do EVERYTHING in his power to reach his goal. The present addicts had not made a decision at all. They were still following their addiction and could only give voice to a desire to quit, or in some instances, were only able to justify their abuse, thus having suppressed even the desire within them to move beyond their current lifestyle.

The DECISION – whatever we want to achieve – the clarity, strength, and power of our DECISION is very important to the outcome. It is also about sticking to that decision – being willing to go through whatever it takes to get to the final destination – hence – PERSEVERANCE. However in a sense – our willingness and determination to stick to our decision is also related to the quality, the depth, and the clarity of our decision. If we decide upon something WHOLLY with our complete being, body and mind – understanding why we do it, and what we are willing to do to achieve – then our decision will assist and support us to move through the difficult times.

Personally I have never had to recover from a heroine addiction, thus I cannot know what any of these people that were covered in the documentary goes through. Though I have made a couple of life altering decisions myself – one of them being to get an education and move into a particular career path. I made that decision and I have now walked this decision for almost 7 years. For me, what stands out with regards to the decision I made, was the certainty I experienced myself. I was clear on what I wanted – I understood WHY and saw the GOAL – and I knew where I wanted to go. Compared to other decisions that I have made, where I have fallen, this has been the main difference.

In seeing this documentary I have become inspired to investigate a couple of points that effect me negatively, where I have made some decisions to change, though where I have eventually fallen back on my decisions. And I am able to see, that in a way, these decisions have not been made with my FULL intent and my ENTIRE being. Thus – what I want to practice is to start making decisions that stand – decisions that I make completely and that I then stand by and walk them through into completion and physical manifestation. I see that me acquiring such a skill of decision making will assist and support me a lot in life – and empower me as an individual.


Day 445: When Competition Puts Us Off Course

Competition is a strange thing. Especially the kind of competition that just happens. For example, the competition that exists at the office, where one guy gets the promotion, the other does not, the next guy gets close to the boss, and the third does not. When a lot of people come together, such as in a organization, there is bound to be some competition.

For myself, I have found, that when I give into and become engulfed in competition, I lose my direction. What used to be important becomes less so, and what takes its place is the DESIRE to WIN, to reach that position/point/top that everyone else seems to strive towards, and hence, that must be really worthwhile. Though it is not even about the position. It is about proving to everyone else, and to myself, that I could reach that position, and nobody else could. Thus, it is a complete illusion, based solely on wanting to become someone to someone other than me, to feel better, and it has nothing to do with what I actually want to do – that which is my REAL expression.

Competing this way is not constructive, rather it is destructive. Instead of strengthening our own individual unique expressions, we all strive towards the same goal, the same achievement, and all try to climb the same ladder. It is unfortunate, because what is a genuine success/achievement for one person might not be so for another. Accordingly it does not make any sense to set ourselves and our lives up with the intent of winning – because at the end of the day – if we have given up on everything that is unique and individual about ourselves to reach that position/status/goal – then have we really won? Have we not in-fact lost a part of ourselves – that unconditional drive and movement within us that acts/express without wanting rewards – but where the expression in itself is enough to be wholly fulfilling.

I have tried to walk both paths in my life. Getting lost in the wheel of competition, striving towards something more, without really understanding why – and then also – moving myself to fulfill myself through doing that which I really enjoy/love. And with the latter, I have found that it does not even have to be something that I love/enjoy – the difference is all in HOW I approach the point. In my work for example, that occasionally can be less than stimulating, I have found pleasure and drive in practicing being thorough, structured and specific. I have practiced living those characteristics without aspiring a position or a certain status, I have done it for MYSELF.

I do recognize that it can be easy to lose oneself in these games of competition that is played in all parts of life in some way or another. And, everyone else seems to be in it, so why should not I do it as well? And if I do decide to walk my own path, will I miss out on something? What if that grand-prize at the top of the ladder is worth it all? There are definitely fears associated with deciding upon and walking the path less traveled – and there are far less that travels the path of self-expression compared to the path of competition. However, only because the mass of people does something, it does not mean that it is right for ME, it does not mean that it is supportive, and it does not mean that it is BEST.

About two years ago, just about as I finished my university degree, I decided to move back to where I grew up, to the rural parts of Sweden. This went against what everyone of my classmates decided to do. Most of them went to the capital city to get the top tier jobs. And since I moved, I have had this nagging fear/stress that I might be missing out on something. I have sometimes started to make sketches in my mind of moving back to the big city, to find myself a top job, and create my success story. Though part of me has been drawn to the country side, the quiet, the opportunities that exist in immersing oneself in hobbies such as gardening and carpentry. This to me perfectly exemplifies the effect that competition can have on my mind – and on a mind in general. Because when I look at it, there is no objective, quantifiable and practical benefit to moving back to the city and acquiring a ‘top job’. I have everything set where I live in terms of money and shelter – and I am very satisfied with my daily routines. Hence this begs the question, why this urge to move upwards in the ladder of success? Why this urge to give up that which I want for myself, to do what I perceive everyone else wants, values and desires? It makes NO sense.

And that is where I would like to end of – with the conclusion that: competition makes NO sense. Competition is not rational, it is not practical, it is not thought through and it is not supporting us to fulfill our utmost potential. Giving into competition dehumanizes us, makes us machines racing to prove our value to some unknown force, while at the same time devaluing and losing our own unique potential, our own individual point of expression that cannot be measured in terms of winning and losing.

Hence – instead of competing – we should embrace our own VALUE, our own UNIQUE and INDIVIDUAL expression – that which cannot be compared and measured in relation to another – because that is where we will find real and lasting fulfillment.


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Day 365: Conditioning Self-Expression

Today I took some time to direct a couple of my material belongings that had been put in storage. I approached the project with the starting point that I had to make a decision for each of my belongings as to what was going to happen to it – what purpose it was going to have for the future to come. The things which I had not used in a couple of years I decided to give away – this group of things included a saxophone and a electric drum set. The underlying principle I applied was simple, with me these possessions were not used to their full potential, and by giving them away to someone that would actually use them, that would support fulfilling both the recipients expression and the instruments potential; in other words – giving the instruments away would be what is best for all.

However, and here is where it starts to get interesting, as I had made the decision to give away the instruments, I began to have second thoughts, and the backchat that moved within me was something along the following lines: ‘What if I will miss these instruments? I might want to play them at a later stage, and then I will not have them! Man, before when I was a bit younger, I played a lot of music, now I do not anymore, I really miss that’. Thus, my initial backchat was initiated by a fear of loss, and then my mind moved to how I miss playing instruments and having music as a part of my life – that latter part of the backchat as well motivated by a fear – a fear that I had lost these expressions of myself which I had accessed when I was younger as part of playing my instruments and devoting myself to music.

The experience took me by surprise, because I had seen that I was finished with these instruments, that I had used them and that I was satisfied with what I had expressed and achieved, though now with this fear coming up, I started to doubt myself. I took a breath and gave myself a moment to stabilize – and I looked at the point within myself.

I could see that practically speaking, I did not use the instruments. Not because I was hindered to do so, but because I had moved into a new part of my life where these instruments did not have the same role to fulfill. I could see that I was satisfied and fulfilled in terms of having explored and pushed myself to develop a relationship with the instruments and that I was ready to let them go. Thus, the fear did not have anything to do with my practical reality – it was all about myself – and how I was actually afraid of moving on and embracing the new expression of myself that have started to come through within me and my life – where my relationship with music and instruments has begun to change.

Because music and the expressions that I could access and live with my instruments, they are still part of my life, however the structure of my life today is different. Now, I express myself with music by singing songs that I really enjoy out loud, together with a stereo blasting the track at the same time – and the creative part of music – which I before expressed through writing and composing songs – that has become part of my job – where I spend a lot of time writing – and my carpentry hobby – where I must use my imagination and problem solving skills to create and find solutions.

Thus – with giving away some of my instruments – I am not giving away the expressions that I have developed and lived in making music – because those expressions are a part of ME – as such I see that it is important to not get lost in the structure and picture of this world – and relate what I experience and live to the images – because it is not about what it looks like – it is about WHO I AM – and HOW I EXPRESS myself within what I do.

I have found that it is easy to forget this, because the images seems to be so important, however looking back out my life, what has always been a constant is that the images change. My world will move, transform, become different, but I remain, which also exemplifies why it is so important to place attention and focus on developing OURSELVES – and not lose ourselves in the evanescent creations/allures of money and consumerism that so easily grip our attention and that we convince ourselves is the most significant point within our lives.


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Day 333: The Lack Perspective

The lack perspective, this is a way of viewing myself and my world and that has begun to open up and become more clear to me as of late. Seeing things from a starting point of lack is basically how the world currently operates, and most people use lack as their motivation to get things done. An example would be our economy, that is measured and valued in growth, and where stagnation, or shrinkage, is seen as a failure – hence – the point with our economy is to move away from apparent lack and into growth. The same goes with education and children, where the standard way of viewing children is to see them as lacking character, experience, and perspective, and that society hence need to fill them up, push that lack away, and make the children useful and valuable.

Lack, what is missing, what is not here at the moment, this is how we have come to determine value, where hence value is created by fighting and suppressing the existence of lack, wherever it rears it head. It is however interesting, to see, realize and understand, that this lack perspective is not based on common sense, and it is not natural. Because is there in-fact lack? Or is it rather our judgment of what is here already? Where we see that things ARE NOT the way we want them to be (aligned to our ideals) and thus strive to mold, force, design our reality to fit our ideas, and in that completely missing what is here in this moment – and how we thus – do not work WITH what is here but instead FIGHT it.

I will give a practical example from my own life. A year ago I moved from a bustling and vibrant university town, where my days were filled with studies, and time for myself to bicycle, write, swim, and pursue other leisurely activities, to a small provincial town, where I started my first real full time job. On top of moving to a town with a different character, and now having most of my time occupied with the responsibilities of work, my partner and I built a house, and we are now on our way to have a child together – to put it mildly – my life changed quite drastically – from simple, easy, entertaining, to being challenging, and very, very different. I could no longer take my bike and ride the 3 kilometers into the town center to attend my lecture, as I instead had to take my car, and drive 30 kilometers into town, to work an entire day.

I have experienced this change as a form of limitation, where my life as it used to be, with all its ease and comfortableness, was gone, and that I am now stuck in a set of circumstances that are less than optimal. This is what has triggered the thoughts such as: ‘It was better where I used to be!’ – ‘I had everything going for me before, now I am having this life, which limits me!’ – this in turn have generated the experience within me of LACK – which is basically an emotional experience that feels like a empty whole – combined with a sense of longing and desire for something MORE – something BETTER – something DIFFERENT – and in this case – with me – longing back to the place where I used to live in the belief that this would sort out my issues.

Thus, the experience that came up within me, and that I have for a moment gotten myself trapped within, is LACK, and this emotional experience is combined with constant mind-chatter, dreams, projections, imaginations, of how I could have lived and experienced myself if I had been anywhere but here. I had gotten possessed by LACK – and this is where I began to see, realize and understand the deceptive nature of the lack-experience and how it pulled me into a particular way of viewing the world that was actually limiting me.

Furthermore, what is interesting is that I have actually been creating LACK by placing my focus on the emotional experiences of lack/missing/longing, because what am I doing in that? I am going into and accepting and allowing a mental state to become the starting point of my life – instead of CREATING my life here in the physical, moving myself here, and instead of going into lack, asking myself; what am I able to create with what is ALREADY here?

The solution to lack is thus to embrace self-creation as the constant movement and flow of expression that comes through when I push myself to remain here, to remain physical, alert, ready, directive, sharp and aware of what is going on in every moment – thus ready and able to act and create when and as I see that it is required. And self-creation happens HERE – in every moment – it is not something that I am able to access when I am in a lack experience – as then all my focus and energy goes into LACK – instead of CREATION.

Lack is self-created – it is something we bring through by placing our attention on what we do not have instead of focusing on what we have and what we can do with it.

The solution: Work With What Is HERE.


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Day 297: Wanting The Big Means Missing The Small

I have seen that in wanting the big, I tend to miss the small – and what is interesting here is that the big things might seem significant, yet when looking closely, the big is actually constituted by the small.

So, where does this apply? For myself I have seen this in particular when it comes to creating and walking towards a change in this world, and also when it comes to creating and building my own life. Before my inner eye I see the great changes, the complete revelation – and through only seeing that as being important and significant – it leads to me not seeing, or valuing the daily, small moments of change that I either apply, or that there are opportunities for me to apply. Hence the consequence of aiming big, of seeing only the big, is that this can create a sense, and experience of stuckness, and depression, because seemingly nothing moves.

Thus, I see that it is important to not forget, that change happens in the small, that a big change consists of several small changes, that a significant progress consists of several significant mini-progresses – and hence – change is created through those small daily movements.

In this, it is also easy to see how fame, success, and greatness can easily cloud my vision, when I start to focus on what others have done, and I compare myself, and think that I can only be someone significant if I am capable of mustering the same. Though, in this I do not accept and allow myself to see, yet again, that what is significant cannot be defined in terms of size, and using the amount of attention that is centered upon that event. Instead, what is significant can only be seen in each moment.

And this brings me into the next point, how looking at life with the expectation that it should contain these clearly defined and marked occurrences, these big happenings that makes my life move forward, that it hinders me from seeing what is right in front of me. Fact is, that the more I am looking for something specific, already with a picture in mind, an idea of where I am to go, the easier it is for me to miss what is right in front of me. Thus, when I am HERE – OPEN and HUMBLE to the current happenings in my life and reality – that is when I am the most able to responding to my life – finding opportunities, spots, openings, and those small moments of significant change.

What is the solution?

One solution that I see is self-trust – allowing myself to trust myself and that I do not need to utilize control – as zooming into but only one possible future – only one possible direction – instead I can move myself with and as breath – in each moment – and trust myself that when I move and create in the small – this will ripple and eventually create the big – and hence I will create my life organically – through moving myself in every moment.

 

Day 198: Towards The Future!

Towards the future! A tendency that I’ve noticed when I consider plans for my future is that there will be definitive experience of ‘right and wrong’ – meaning: There will be an idea of what is correct and what is incorrect – there will be a path of what I want to choose and walk down – and there will be a path that I don’t want to choose – and that I don’t want to walk down. The problem comes in with regards to how I’ve designed these paths – because they’re based upon desires and fears – they’re mostly not very practical – and because there is such a definitive ‘right and wrong’ to them – this causes conflict within me.

So, let’s bring this into context: Next year I’m going to be done with my law-studies and before I go into the court to do my two years of traineeship, there will be a brief respite, some time that I require to fill with an activity of some form – and here I’ve established that studying another course will be an effective point to pursue.

Then comes the Decision – and this is in regards to what course I should pick – and here I’ve looked at either studying economics or psychology – and this seemingly small and insignificant decision has become like that annoying sand grain stuck between the sole of my feet and my shoes – and seemingly it’s a unsolvable puzzle. And the reason as to why it feels like an unsolvable puzzle and maze of various possibilities and opportunities is because at the bottom of the considerations lies fear and anxiety – and this fear and anxiety is in relation to future and in particular – making the wrong decision.

When looking closer at this point of making the wrong decision, it’s clear that the wrong decision in essence implies placing myself in a position in the world system that is not effective, placing myself in a position wherein I afterwards realize that – this is not where I want to be! And in that process as well realizing that – I shouldn’t have chosen to study this course, I should’ve chosen the other course!

Here it’s fascinating to see the nature of my considerations – that it’s based on this very limited idea of absoluteness – that this decision that I make to study a single course the next year will somehow determine the ENTERITY of my life – and be the very quintessence of my coming existence – that point that will form and shape everything that is to come afterwards – and that I will in making this decision set a precedence for myself that will flow out into my future and either make me sublime or a lowly failure.

Obviously – this is not how physical reality works, and actually – I’ve got my life to show for it. I mean, how many skills haven’t I developed over the span of my life? How many various courses and lectures haven’t I participated within? Yet, it’s unequivocal that these past choices have not had any significant impact on what I am doing currently with my life – it’s rather as such that what I am doing and studying at the moment is completely unexpected and not what I’d believed that I would do as I grew up.

Thus, what I see I must work with, and establish as a certainty within me, is that life is a moment, it’s not black and white, but rather a greyish mishmash of various colorations, and that very seldom anything is set in stone – most times there are opportunities and possibilities to digress and go into another direction, make a new choice, pursue a new challenge – and thus – this fear that I will create a future that is either unambiguously positive, or categorically negative is in-fact an illusion – and probably my future will be rather mundane and normal – I will find a job, do some more courses, and then move on – because that’s how life works. Though what I’ll always have with me is MYSELF – and that is something I can create to stand eternally – steadfast – stable – regardless of how my future turns out.

The point to realize is that – the future can’t be predicted – yet I can walk myself into the future in stability – and stand as that point in my life and in that – be present, capable and able to create a life for myself – moment by moment – that is effective and that is something I’d like to experience – thus what I am able to see is that whether I pick one course or the other – it’s really of no impact – because what will determine my future is MYSELF and what I will accept and allow and what I will not accept and allow in each and every moment of breath.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at my future in black and white – and absolutes – wherein I will see this decision that is before me as the ultimate test – as what will determine the rest of my life and if I make the wrong decision – there is nothing – and absolutely nothing that I am able to do to correct and align the point – and thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is a delusional way of looking at my future – and how obviously – this is now how the physical functions and operates – because the physical functions according to what I live and move as in each and every moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the future and my life is a constant process of creation – and a constant point that I am establishing – building – and refining in every moment of breath – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the future as only beingout there’ – as only having significance and importance somewhere there in the future – and that the decision I will make in regards to one course, one event, and one point will determine everything – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is a false supposition – and how this is not how life and this reality works

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the fear I have of not making the right decision, of not placing myself in the correct position, of not establishing myself where I should be, that this is not a valid fear – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this decision that is before me is simply something that I’ll have decide upon and then walk – and that it will not determine the rest of my existence and all and everything of myself from that point onwards

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give this irrational value to education and studying – in believing that education and studying is what will further me in my lifetime – is what will create my life for me – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the primary point of creation, the primary point that will determine who I am and what my life will become, is who I am in each and every moment of breath – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stick to the courage of facing and walking each moment unconditionally – realizing that here is the point of power – and HERE is the point of creation – it’s not somewhere out there in the future – it’s HERE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how the idea I’m carrying within me, that somehow a decision of what course I am to study in the future, will determine everything of myself, is false – and not in alignment with reality – the physical – and in this world – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stabilize myself – make a decision – and then move myself to walk the point – and not make anything more of it than that – making a decision to study something – because I see that it makes sense – and then stopping any fear that comes up within me that it’s the wrong decision – that it’s not right – and that I will create massive consequences for myself due to having walked this particular decision

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that regardless of what course I choose – I am going to face the future – and what will have the most impact in me facing and directing the future is not the course I’ve studied – but rather WHO I AM – and HOW I STAND – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make this my priority – to realize that the WHO I AM will determine my life and my future – my ability to stand – to direct and move myself in moments and to not accept and allow the mind the step in and create myself and my life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop the fear and anxiety immediately as it arise within me – not give it any power what-so-ever – and instead focus and give attention to my creation process of myself here in every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my future will not manifest itself as either a picture perfect future where everything is fantastic – and it will not manifest itself as a hellish and awful future where everything is bad – rather my future will probably be normal – and much like my life is currently – wherein it’s simple dealing with and walking through my day-to-day responsibilities – wherein there is nothing more significant and special than that – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of this angst and fear of what might happen when I make a particular decision – and instead – simply make the decision and push myself to move ahead with my life – and not anymore remain in this state of inferiority and lack

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the emotional state I am creating within myself due to participating in this inner conflict is in-fact what is going to have consequences for myself in the future, and is a decision that I make in this moment, to make my future less effective – because in participating in such emotions I am going to manifest physical consequences and symptoms – suck as a disease or sickness – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here – and simply give up upon this anxiety – simply make a decision that I see makes sense – and then stick with it – not drag it up again and again – and realize that regardless of what might come – I will make the best of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself that regardless of what might come in my future – I will make the best of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself that regardless of whether I make the wrong decision – I will make the best out of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself that I will direct my life regardless of what I’m facing – and that I will not give up upon myself – but that I will find and establish solutions

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I go into conflict about my future – because I have a decision that I am uncertain of – I stop – I breathe – and I do not accept and allow myself to in anyway think about this decision – because I realize that this fuels underlying fears and anxieties – and thus I commit myself to let the point go until I can sit down and map out the decision – then I commit myself to make a decision and stick with it – and not bring up any what-ifs – because I realize that this is unnecessary and doesn’t have any constructive outflows

I commit myself to regardless of whether I make the wrong decision – to make the best out of my life – to make the best out of myself – to not give up – but to always strive and work towards establishing solutions

I commit myself to never give up upon myself regardless of what my future will bring – and regardless of the challenges I will be faced with – and I commit myself to develop the courage to face and walk my life in the moment – and not use fear or anxiety to drive myself forward

I commit myself to stick with the decision that I’ve made – to not think about it anymore – but to walk the point that I’ve already laid out for myself – to keep it simple – and only change and re-direct the points if I see that it’s relevant and necessary – not because a fear or anxiety arise within me – that is not practical but only a illusion and experience of and as the mind

Day 197: The Urge for Limelight

Yesterday my partner asked to assist and support her in doing a tarot reading for her – I became intrigued and happy that I was asked to do this and looked forward to do the reading. So, some minutes later I began – and I walked through the cards, and shared with my partner what I saw – though after a while my partner interjected and said that she saw something different compared to me. In that moment I felt that I was being interrupted and that my partner was interfering with MY reading – and the emotional experience that came up was that of hurt, feeling rejected, and disregarded – and within this there was also a nuance of blame wherein I felt that my partner was stealing my moment in the limelight.

The backchat that came up within me was: “This was my time to shine!” – “She can’t just take this from me!” – “She doesn’t have any regard for me!” – so it was interesting to see how much I’d defined myself to the prospect of doing a reading for my partner, and the hope that my partner would enjoy the reading, and be pleased with my conduct.

Another dimension of the backchat that came up was a form of suppressive-backchat – because in that moment I tried to talk myself out of the reaction – as I could see that the reaction was unreasonable and unnecessary. Though this support-talk didn’t do the trick and I was contained inside the initial emotional reaction for several moments – until I through breathing in awareness was able to let the experience go and return it into the ground.

The point that I want to walk through in this blog is that of placing value and worth on being in the limelight, having my short moment of help another, doing a service for another, or saying something to another, where I will receive attention from another, and they will see me as this really great, marvelous, and fantastic individual that they’d gladly like to have in their life and world, for the rest of their existence. Because this is the reason – the why as to the intense reaction that came up when my moment of limelight was suddenly and without warning taken from me.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value myself according to being in the limelight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to being in the limelight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to being in the limelight, and when someone asks me to do something for them, to in that moment going into a state of excitement, eagerness, and hopefulness, wanting and desiring to be in the limelight and mean something to another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel interfered with, interrupted, and embezzled of my moment in the limelight – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an intense reaction of feeling rejected, disregarded, taken for granted, and abused – and blame another for these experiences – thinking that they wouldn’t have come up within me unless someone ‘mean’ took my place and position in the limelight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, frustrated and annoyed when and as I perceive that someone has taken my spot in the limelight, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of envy and bitterness, because I feel that the person in question took my position, took my chance, took my moment to fly and get ahead in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become bitter and resentful when I perceive that I had a moment in the limelight, where I could shine and receive attention from another, and then suddenly it was taken from me, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself blame another for taking this limelight from me, and think that I deserved to have that moment of shining and being in the center of attention

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to being in the center of attention – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be that person that is the light of the party, that is the magnet in the box filled with metal, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to, and draw my feeling of value and worth, according to how much that I feel, and perceive I am able to draw the attention of others towards and unto me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a attention addict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need attention from others for my life to have value – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actively search for moments where I am able to gather and receive attention into my life – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that I am in-fact utterly limiting myself through making all of me, and all of my life to be about what I can get from others to substantiate my life, instead of me taking responsibility and standing as the substance of my own life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take pride in, and appreciate myself according to how much significance I believe and perceive that I play in the lives of others – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that my life, and my living can only be of significance, meaning, and power, if I am able to help others, get attention from others, and be significant for and to others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when another doesn’t use the services I’ve offered, that I am then not appreciated, and valued, and in that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into bitterness and resentment, wherein I feel that I am now worth nothing at all, and it’s this person’s fault because he or she didn’t want to use my services – thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my usefulness and value according to whether I perceive that others find me useful and valuable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into bitterness and resentment when and as I feel that my services have been rejected

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into bitterness and resentment when and as I perceive that my surroundings doesn’t appreciate my participation and contribution sufficiently – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to have appreciation and be acknowledged by others for me to feel that it’s worth it to help another – or offer a service – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is a utterly limited – and contained way of looking at me giving assistance and support – because there are so much more I am able to do when I express and move myself without conditions

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself to offer my services and help others unconditionally – to not do it in order to get anything in return – to be accepted or appreciated – but to instead do it unconditionally – to give as I’d like to receive

I commit myself to give as I’d like to receive – and in this I commit myself to not approach giving or offering my services within a secret starting point of wanting to achieve praise and appreciation in return – and as such I commit myself to approach giving with no expectations, hopes or desires – but rather – instead – simply to give

When and as someone is interrupting me, or I feel that another is interfering with my moment, and I react in bitterness, and resentment, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this resentment and bitterness isn’t necessary, that practically speaking there hasn’t been any compromise, it’s just that I feel disregarded and shoved aside, and thus I commit myself to breathe, and unconditionally let go of any desire to be in the foreground, and to have the attention, and to be in control of the moment, to instead breathe, and align myself with what is here, and direct the moment according to what I see is common sense and best for all