Tag Archives: weakness

Day 408: Weaknesses

Yesterday I was painting a wall together with my partner. I was rolling the roof and my partner was masking certain areas of the walls using tape. Some moments later my partner asked me if I could help her to mask an area of the wall, because she had trouble reaching that particular spot. In that moment I experienced a reaction of irritation, and this was accompanied by line of backchat, which went something line this:

“Can’t she do this herself? Why must I do it? Why cannot she learn to do this, it is simple, I should not have to go over and help her with this simple point.”

It was not only about me having to stop what I was doing, to go over to another part of the room and align the tape, what triggered my reaction was also a judgment, of perceiving my partner as being weak, because in my mind, she could not ‘handle’ this simple action – and I perceived it as if she was accepting this weakness, readily embracing it, instead of pushing through it, and for example, herself, learning how to mask that particular place.

So, when I bring this point back to myself, I can see that it is about judging weaknesses, and as well, judging not challenging weaknesses in solitude, but rather asking for help. This is what I would term a typical male approach to weaknesses. The belief that weaknesses must be fought, and conquered. However this is certainly a very one dimensional way of approaching weaknesses, because, what about learning from weaknesses? What about acknowledging my weaknesses, and then structuring my life in such a way that I can focus on my strengths, and outsource the parts in my life where I am weak? Or, what about acknowledging my weaknesses, and seeing that someone else is able to do it better than what I am, and thus, the project as a whole, would be more effectively executed if someone else did it instead – or – what about me learning from them?

And this also opens up a related point, if I am strong in a particular aspect in my life, what purpose does it then serve, that when someone asks for my assistance and support, that I become irritated and impatient? Rather, I could utilize such a moment to actually show the other person my technique, the secrets of my strength, explain the point – because that would that assist and support the other person to move themselves from being weak to strong. Thus, the reaction that I had is really counter-intuitive; because judging weaknesses only leads to pretending that one is strong in order to hide one’s weaknesses, and what good comes out of that?

Do I become strong when I hide that I am weak, or pretend that I am strong? No, that is not the case. Real genuine strength does not have to pretend – it is simply who I am. And when someone else shows that they are weak, in-fact that would be an opportunity for me to share my strength, and also, show others how to develop that particular strength.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge weaknesses, to react towards them, and fight them, and not want to understand them, not want to experience them, not want to have anything to do with them, because I perceive them to be a nuisance, a pest, and if I accept and allow one into my life, it will possess me and make me lose touch with the physical, with myself, with my strengths

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to suppress and fight weaknesses through becoming angry and frustrated, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this will not make the weakness go away, rather, if I want to transform the weakness into a strength, I will have to get to know it, and then see what is required to be walked to bring forth a strength, and then assist and support myself, or the other person, to walk a process to make the weakness into a strength

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge asking others for help, to judge recognizing that I am weak and that I need assistance and support within a particular point, to think that it is something bad, something that I should not accept and allow in my life, and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is in-fact a point of ego, how I am accepting an allowing myself to compromise the walking of a project, because I do not want to appear as weak, instead of simply, asking for assistance and support, or asking, how for help to improve my skills, and thus, pushing and moving the project forward in such a way that the best expression, the best potential will come through.

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself judging a weakness, reacting in anger and frustration towards a weakness, wanting to suppress a weakness, I take a breath, I bring myself back here, and I stop – and I see, realize and understand that this is a point of self-sabotage that I am accepting and allowing – and that the weakness will not go away only because I try to fight it – whether the weakness is in my or in another person – rather – I must understand the weakness – embrace it – because then I will be in  a position to direct it – and maybe what is required is that I ask for help, or if the weakness is in another, that I stop up, and patiently show them how to do it, or that I do it myself, or if I am the one that is weak, that I allow another to walk the point for me – and hence I see, realize and understand that a weakness is nothing shameful or bad that has to be fought – it is what it is and it can be directed just like any point – thus I commit myself to embrace the weaknesses and look for practical ways to support myself or another to turn the weakness into a strength – and also to invite help, assistance and support when that will be what is best


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Day 379: Investigating Glee

In Sweden there is this saying, ‘glee is the only the real form of happiness that there is’. For me, this statement has held some truth, because for some reason, I have had a tendency of enjoying the displeasure/harm/discomfort of others a lot – sometimes a lot more than other forms of humor. I have not seen this as a problem, because I have felt as if the laughter coming from within and as glee has been unconditional and innocent – something I cannot really help – it just happens. However in looking deeper at this point, I have come to see that this laughter is only a veneer that covers deeper and at times more malicious intentions.

In looking at the general context in which I experience glee, I have been able to locate a couple of recurring elements. Firstly, the person at which the glee is directed (the trigger person/point) is showing something that I perceive to be a emotional or physical weakness, secondly I feel empowered/superior to the ‘trigger person’ because of this weakness. When these two elements come together at the same time I experience a intoxicating and bubbly feeling, that emerge from my chest, and that come through as laughter. The sound of the laughter is monotonous and more high pitched than my normal natural laughter.

Because the glee has come through physically as laughter I have justified its existence thinking that I cannot help myself, it is a natural expression, part of who I am, and I cannot do anything to change it. However, I am able to see that it is not innocent. It is a form of separation, where I am not emphatic with the person that triggers the glee. I do not see what he or she is going by standing in their shoes, I rather see the situation as entertainment and as something that empowers me. And obviously, when someone is having a difficult moment, this does not make me more than in anyway what-so-ever – and neither is the situation/moment entertaining.

The solution that I can see is to be emphatic and push myself to see the situation through standing in the shoes of the receiving person (‘trigger person/point’) – hence see it through their eyes and not my own – to allow myself to experience what they are going through and not watch it from a starting point of separation.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience, go into, and express glee when people in my life show what I perceive to be emotional or physical weaknesses

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not relate to others and their difficulties from a starting point of oneness and equality – but to see myself as separate – and see their plight as entertainment – instead of standing one and equal and seeing the situation by standing in their shoes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand in the shoes of another and experience life from their perspective – to thus stop viewing life as separate from me, to view people as separate from me, to view the system as separate from me, and apparently there for my entertainment and my pleasure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become gleeful when things go badly for others instead of seeing the consequence as them – seeing the situation as them – and within this seeing their pain as my own – and relate to the situation from such a starting point of oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become gleeful instead of being emphatic and seeing the situation as a part of myself and not as something separate that is here to entertain me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the misfortunes of others as entertainment – instead of standing as empathy and relating to the people – seeing them as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel empowered and superior when and as I perceive that another is showing emotional, physical or feeling weaknesses

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to laugh, enjoy myself, and amuse myself at the expense of another, when and as I perceive myself to be more powerful than another, due to a perceived emotional or physical weakness in another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself justify laughing and amusing myself within and as glee thinking that laughter and amusement is always innocent, is always trustworthy, and it is something that I can always do without harming or influencing another negatively – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question myself, to question all of my experiences, all of what I am, seeing, realizing and understanding that I will only ever know what is real, if I question and then see the very origin of the point within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify laughing and amusing myself at the expense of another thinking that it is innocent and without a ulterior motive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify glee thinking that it is innocent

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow glee in my life, as a normal part of my life, because in my family, glee was a normal part of life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I cannot use my family as a benchmark for what is acceptable and what is not acceptable – because my family has not proven themselves in writing – showing that their nature stands within and as the principle of what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop glee within me when it arise and instead apply empathy – to see the pain, discomfort of another as one and equal and not as a separate point of amusement or entertainment – but as a part of myself – and thus approach from within the context of looking at how I am able to ameliorate and move this pain into a solution

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself becoming gleeful, as I am faced with a trigger point, such as a person that is exposing something that I perceive to be a emotional or physical weakness, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand – that gleefulness is not supportive – it me using the pain and discomfort of others as entertainment and to feel empowered – obviously that is not a supportive solution and it does not change a thing for the person experiencing the discomfort – and hence – I commit myself to change this point to instead stand as empathy – to see the point of perceived weakness as my own – to not separate myself from it – and then move myself to find solutions to direct this weakness into and as a strength – and move the moment to become a moment building towards a world that is best for all


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Day 299: Anxiety and Fear When I Am In The Center of Everyone’s Attention

Today a situation played out at work where I for a moment was in the center of everyone’s attention. This brought a emotion of feeling uncertainty, insecurity, and anxiety – because when I am in the center of attention – I have this tendency to think about how I am perceived and seen by others.

I have written about this point before, and also been able to change and direct this experience during a couple of instances, and now I fell, which was a bit disappointing to me. As the point was playing out, I did have a vague inner voice saying that I can correct my experience by placing my attention and focus on breath, and also apply self-forgiveness. However, that inner vague voice never materialized, as I did not act on it. And afterwards, I was sitting with this experience in myself; why did I not change, or direct this experience within me?

Hence, in this blog I am going to work with this experience further, and also clarify a couple of points to myself, and also for you, the reader as well. Firstly, what defines me is not the fall in itself, rather it is WHO I AM after the fall, and what actions I decide to walk to support myself to transcend and learn to direct the experience. Thus, in this case, I am sitting down to write out the experience, investigate it, learn from it, and eventually learn to direct it.

Secondly, I can either look at a fall as something to resent, OR, I can use a fall to my advantage – and utilize it to expand myself in my process of self-creation. This is what I am doing here through writing this blog, I am standing up within myself, saying to myself, that this experience and way of interacting with other people is not something that I wish to have as a part of my character – instead I want to be able to be in the center of attention and remain STABLE, CALM, SELF-DIRECTED, in SELF-CERTAINTY and SELF-CONFIDENCE, and be RELAXED and at EASE in my physical body. That is the vision I see for myself, and what I want to establish in my life when it comes to social interactions, and when it comes to being in the center of attention.

That being established, lets look at the specifics of this moment particular moment. I can see that the origin point, the underlying issue is in-fact self-judgment. This self-judgment is then projected unto others and takes shape in backchat such as; “What do others think about me?” – “What do others see in me?” – “Do others like me or not?” – and so forth. It also takes the shape of uncertainty, because in judging myself, I am trying to be something or someone that I hope can be accepted by another, and looking at it more deeply, actually accepted by myself.

I can see this judgment towards myself coming up when it comes to establishing relationships with others. Because, when it comes to for example, deciding to meet another, and that person does not immediately show up on time; I will have backchat come up that this person does not like me, that I have done something wrong, that I have not acted properly, that they have in some way decided to push me out of their lives because they are not content with me. Hence, this shows that on a deep level within me, I do not see or recognize my own value, I do not accept myself as being valuable. And that is why I feel so happy and positive when people seem to take a liking to me, because in my twisted self-image, I do no see myself as worthy of such a relationship.

What is the solution?

It is quite simple; practice self-acceptance and valuing myself – RECOGNIZING and SEEING the value in myself. Giving myself recognition for my strengths, skills, and abilities, and for the integrity that I have developed throughout this process. There is much more to me than I admit, a unassailable value that I have not allowed myself to embrace and stand with – as I have seen myself as flawed and imperfect. That is what must change.

So, a solution can be, that when I notice this anxiety, stress and uncertainty come up within me – that I state within myself my qualities for which I am genuinely proud – such as: Discipline, Integrity, Openness, Loyal, Curious, Investigative, Questioning, Expressive, Spontaneous, Specific, Focused, Detailed, and Structured – these are qualities that I see and recognize in myself and for which I value myself.

And thus – it is a matter of continuously stopping this self-abuse of focusing on my flaws and weaknesses, and also seeing my positive and strong sides. And then also, to accept my bad sides, to not try to hide or suppress the fact that I do have weaknesses, but to accept and embrace the entirety of me. Because suppression does not work, and real self-change cannot take place unless I allow myself to SEE what it is within me that is required to be changed and directed.

Day 204: What is a Weakness?

Some days ago my partner became sick, and when this happened an interesting experience emerged within me, specifically in regards to the point of being sick – and that was irritation and anger.

So, the question then is why would I become irritated and angry when someone close to me is sick? And here the answer lies within what sickness represents to me – because being sick to me is a sign of weakness – being physically incapable of effectively caring for one’s life and responsibilities – that is something that I define to be a weakness.

The word to investigate is thus weakness – and how come that I see this word as some form of repulsive disease that must be suppressed and held back at every instance. Firstly, what weakness implies to me at the moment is basically not being able to stand solid and grounded and walk into the current world system, and not be able to push and will yourself forward even though the labor in the world system is challenging and demanding – weakness at the moment is thus a lack of survival skills or ability to survive.

What I see in this is that I’ve mostly related weakness to be in relation to the physical characteristics of human being, either the human being is strong, as in being able to physically handle many responsibilities, tasks, and jobs, or the being is weak as in not being able to handle many responsibilities, tasks and jobs. I’ve seldom looked at weakness as being a weakness of character – because it’s obvious that weaknesses can exists in several areas of one’s life – it can be a weakness that one accept and allow a certain emotional experience to possess oneself easily – or it can be a weakness that one doesn’t have the skill of relaxing and caring for the physical body – there is really a multitude of weaknesses.

But, the one of definition of weaknesses that stands out in my mind is not being able to survive, not being able to find food and nutrition, and build my life in such a way that I feel secure, and safe, and as I’ve got everything I need in order to get through. So, the reason why I get angry at my partner when she’s sick, would be because she is representing a weaknesses in my worldly survival skills, and that would then trigger reactions, fears and anxieties, as well as anger and irritation – which would then function as a form of alarm system in me that will initiate action, and make sure that I act to put my partner backing into an effective working condition where she’s not sick anymore – but ready to survive and make as money as is required. Though the problem here is that I act out in irritation anger, blaming my partner of not having optimal survival skills – and in that believing that through being angry, and irritated, this will somehow cause my partner to ‘get her shit together’, become healthy, and effective again.

I realize that this definition and understanding of weakness is limited, because actually being constantly possessed in a state of pushing myself to survive, not seeing and recognizing the rest of life that is here, that is also a weakness – and not being able to support and assist another in stability when they are sick – that’s also a weakness – so, it’s obvious that a weakness is not only in relation to money and survival but that it’s a word with several applications – and the one thing to remember is not to fear weaknesses, but rather recognize them, and then commit to walking a process of self-correction – or support – where one take the weakness and then turn it into a strength.

And for example, with my partner, this process of working with this weakness as the sickness, could be to support my partner with what she needs to curate, and take care of the responsibilities of the household, cook food and clean – so that my partner can relax and physically change her state of weakness into a state of strength through allowing the body to recuperate and refresh. Thus, not reacting to the fact that my partner is currently in a state of weakness – but rather assisting and supporting my partner to turn that weakness into a strength – and understanding that a weakness is nothing personal – it’s what it is and thus like a mechanic that make reparations on a car – I’m able to walk the same process with myself and my environment.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear and anxiety when my partner becomes sick, and judge this sickness as a weakness in survival skills, and think that this point is compromising my position in this world – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to handle this weakness through becoming angry, frustrated and irritated, and judging my partner for becoming sick – and thinking that my partner should immediately recuperate and come back to normal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and judge the state of physically ill and sick – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize that I hold a fear of becoming ill and physically sick, because I fear that I would in that state of being not be able to care for myself or my life, and that I would not be able to survive effectively – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to survive in this world, and effectively care for myself, and my future, and that this ability of mine will also be compromised if my partner gets sick

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my partner is going to get sick, in fear that I will then not be able to secure my survival in this world as effectively as I hoped I would – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of fear, wherein I fear that me or my partner will become subject to any sickness, or physical weakness, in fearing that this will effect our lives negatively, and that we’ll have a difficulty in surviving

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to survive, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when my partner get’s sick, to have my mind immediately go to money, and how much this sickness will affect the finances, and how much money we’re going to have till next month – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fearing not surviving, and fearing not having money are effective ways to deal with this problem, and that I will be able to get my partner to step up through being annoyed and irritated with her – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that these reactions in no way assist and support – and that they do not change or alter the situation that is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my partner when she gets sick, and to judge my partner for being physically weak, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see weaknesses as something bad, and as a personal thing, that implies that the being is a bad being – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed in this state of judgment, wherein I’m thinking to myself that this other person shouldn’t be weak, and shouldn’t be sick – because they apparently should be strong, and capable of dealing with these sorts of things, and continue to move themselves throughout their life, and not be affected by a sickness of this kind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become fearful of physical weaknesses, and believe that the moment I’m not able to perform fully in the monetary system in terms of earning money, and making a living – that this will be the end of me and my life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and fear and any notion of a play-out that involves sickness and physical weaknesses – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to banish any and all such forms of weaknesses from my life through when they arise – become angry at them – try to ignore them – and push them away

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist physical weakness, and when it emerge and come through in my world, to attempt and try to fight it off, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work with the weakness, to not find ways and solutions that will bring the point to a conclusion that is best for all – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in irritation, and frustration towards these types of weaknesses instead of focusing on a solution, and how I’m able to assist and support in order to alleviate and construct a way out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to physically stable and healthy, and fear that I won’t be able to make a living for myself in this world, because I don’t have the physical strength to create my life and build myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing power, loosing control and direction of my life, and having nothing that I’m able to do about it – and that it just happens automatically and without me being able to step in and say STOP HERE – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of constant fear, and worry that suddenly, and without warning, I’m going to loose control and direction of my life, and then not able to push into the direction that I’ve and desired that I would

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in life as someone that struggles and fights against the difficulties and hardships of life, and that it’s my role in this world to make sure that I survive even though my world seems to be all against me, and seems to be working towards me at all times, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, and define life as a struggle, where I must constantly fight to remain sharp, and on-top – and make sure that I am ready and able to deal with any and all problems, and fight them with teeth and nails – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I accept and allow this to be my starting point – then this is also the experience of myself that I am going to create in my life

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am reacting in irritation and frustration because someone close to me, or myself, becomes sick or physically weak, I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this anger and irritation in-fact comes from a fear of loosing control over my financial reality – and in that my future, and my life in this world – and thus have nothing to do with the sickness in itself; and as such I commit myself to assist and support myself or the other person in my life to become physically strong – to assist and support them through caring for them, and alleviating their physical world – through taking responsibilities for chores and other points that might slow down their process of recuperation

When and as I see that I am reacting in anger towards sickness, or another type of physical weakness, as not being able to effectively handle and direct one’s world – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this way of dealing with the situation doesn’t work – that in order to find solutions I must be stable and see what is here without in anyway taking it personally or making it an emotional experience of any kind – and thus I commit myself to look at what I can do to support myself or another in transcending and moving through the physical weakness – and how I can be of a solid support for myself or another in walking through this point of being sick and getting out of it effectively and without a healthy human physical body

Day 193: Wiping Your Eyes and Survival

One point that has come up recently is me reacting in irritation when as my partner touch her face – and clears her eyes – I am going to take a deeper look at this point in this blog.

So, what I am able to see is that act of touching one’s facing and clearing one’s eyes definitely has no negative impact on the physical world or the human physical body – and that being irritated about this is one of those irrational and unnecessary points – that simply doesn’t serve any purpose whatsoever.

I can also see that the reaction in itself doesn’t have anything to do with the actual act of my partner wiping her eyes – rather it’s about the symbolical representation of this – and what I perceive that this act means = I see it as a form of tiredness and acknowledgement that one is not in a optimum physical state – but that one is sluggish and not energetic – not sprawling with life – and not exuding a desire to create and move forward – and this is something that I then judge and look down upon.

It’s thus not about the actual act of my partner wiping her face – it’s about how I perceive that this is somehow an act of weakness – and apparently – according to the logic I currently possess – this weakness is bad. This goes hand in hand with the idea that my partner is apparently my ‘possession’ and that a ‘weakness’ in my partner shows a weakness in myself – and in order for me to be a winner and victorious in this world – I apparently require to surround myself with people (and a partner) that exudes superiority and excellence – because then I can perceive myself as that point of superiority and excellence and feel like a winner.

In the end it comes down to survival – and how I want to change my partner to be the way that I perceive a successful survivor to be – someone that wins and that is able to take this world with storm and walk out of it with the highest price – this is thus where the reaction comes – it’s that my partner is not at that very moment fulfilling and satisfying my idea of winning and superiority – and how I want my relationship to be reflected and shown in the world – and obviously this is quite a fuck-up – because a relationship shouldn’t be about me presenting a successful image to the world – it should be about me getting to know another – walking with and supporting another – and assisting each-other in this process of self-creation – walking a relationship should be about WHO I AM and getting to know the WHO of another – not merely creating ideas of another and wanting them to satisfy ideals and perceptions of what it means to be a successful and strong survivor.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view and value my partner and my relationships with others according to how I am able to use these points in order to further my self-interest and win in the system – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be concerned with and only care about wanting to win – and wanting to achieve a form of superiority in the world wherein I get attention and notice for how grand and effective I am in my life and in my application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge wiping one’s eyes and touching one’s face as being a sign and representation of inferiority and lack of discipline – and strength – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge this point – and go into anger and irritation when and as I see that my partner does this thing – thinking that it signifies and shows a weakness – and that it makes me look bad in the world system of competition – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach relationships – and life in general – from within and as a starting point of competition – wherein I want to place myself in such a way that I am sure that I’ll be able to survive – and win – and compete with others and be in a favorable and superior position in comparison with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to win – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach my life from a starting point of competition – wherein I believe that the only valid and meaningful purpose in life is to compete – and is to prove myself as being superior and competitive – and more than; thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to evaluate my relationship with my partner from this perspective – that it’s only valuable when it supports me in my endeavor to win – and be victorious – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how there is much more to a relationship – and to life – that life doesn’t need to be about competition – but that I can instead live here within and as equality – and stand equal with life – and thus realize that equality is real fulfillment – that equality is real satisfaction – that standing here and grounding myself in the physical and re-aligning my starting point to not be about winning – but rather about me creating a world that is best for all – that is a way to live and participate which is of real significance and impact

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to evaluate not being competitive in this world as being a weakness – instead of seeing, realizing and understand that competition – and trying to get the better hand in the game of survival is not a representation of real strength – because real strength is about me making a decision to actually live and move myself within a purpose and starting point that goes beyond my personal desires – and my personal self-interest – wherein I place myself in a position within where I consider and look at what is best for all – and make that my starting point and from where I make decisions and from where I move myself to take in a position – or walk a relationship – thus not making it to be all about myself and who’s winning and who isn’t – but instead making sure that all are winners – and that all are cared for equally – and that nobody gets left behind

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself to actively ask myself how I am able to move and participate and create to bring about a change that is best for all – and I commit myself to look at my life as an opportunity for me to bring about change in this world permanently and substantially – and make this my priority – and place everything else second to that

I commit myself to realize that winning is not real when only one person wins – that is not winning – it’s rather a form of abuse and bullying that takes place against those less fortunate – and thus I commit myself to re-align myself walk towards a common ground and common point where all are winners – and thus I commit myself to stop judging my partner – when she touches her face and wipes her eyes – and realize that I am not in this relationship to further my self-interest and ‘win’ in this world – but I am here to get to know another for real – and to create something of value and worth that stand beyond competition – that stand beyond winning and loosing – that honor the equality that is here between all various expressions in this physical world and reality

Day 119: Filthy Weaknesses

weaknessWeaknesses – looking at my own current definition of weaknesses I see them as being something that is wrong and that should and must be fought, pinned down and destroyed. This approach of mine to the point of weaknesses is something that I have recently begun to take note of, and I have seen that it pretty much comes through in most dimensions and aspects of my life, living and process. I tend to zone in on what I perceive to be a weakness, judge the weakness, and then vehemently fight the weakness – which is a form of suppression because no actual self-change is taking place – obviously because I am to busy fighting that which I perceive to be a weakness within me.

This point opened today in regards to me becoming nervous, as I had to perform in the art of public speaking. What I saw is that I immediately as this nervousness came up within me, I judged it to be a weakness, and in that I began to fight it – I didn’t want it to be in me because apparently I should be past that point, I should be stable, and I should be able to comfortably and calmly do public speaking. When I noticed I couldn’t win the fight towards this nervousness, I instead went into a state of a more passive, failure and self-judgment mode – perceiving myself as a failure because I couldn’t stop remove this apparent weakness and speak the way I wanted to speak.

Thus – I am able to see that this relationship that I have created to the point of weaknesses isn’t assisting and supporting me, because fact is that I never go to the point of developing my weaknesses into strengths – I instead stop at that point of fighting the weakness, and feeling like a failure because I have that particular weakness – when I could instead utilize those moments to assist and support myself to transform the weakness into a strength and build myself to become more effective in my application.

Really, the entire idea within me that weaknesses are bad is thus off the mark – because weaknesses are merely weaknesses, they are nothing more and they are nothing less – and a weakness is mostly a point that can be corrected and directed into and as a strength – and a strength is neither more or less – it is merely a strength – something that I am good at and that I can do effectively and effortlessly.

To be effective in actually supporting myself to stand up and direct my weak spots I require to recognize them, understand them and allow myself to accept that they are here and that they won’t go away through my trying to fight them off – instead I will have to change them as myself – and this can not be done through a process of judgment – but must be done through a process of understanding – understanding how I have created the weakness, exactly how I have become this weakness – because in that I can correct myself to step out of the weakness and make it a strength.

Thus, today I am going to walk a self-forgiveness process in relation to my definition of the word weakness.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight weaknesses and define weaknesses as shameful and embarrassing, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend my time judging, fighting and resisting my weakness instead of practically assisting and supporting myself to transcend and walk through my weakness, and develop my weaknesses into strengths

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that weaknesses are something that I should hide from myself and from others, because they are shameful and inherently bad, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I notice that I have weaknesses, instead of practically assisting and supporting myself to transcend and walk through them, judge them, fight them, and resist them, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is not a effective way of dealing with weaknesses, because common sense dictates that what I resist persist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I see a weakness in my application it doesn’t mean that I am failure, and that I have done something bad, it merely means that there is a weakness in my application, and that it’s as such an opportunity for me to develop this weakness into and as a strength – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the opportunity of self-expansion that weaknesses presents to me – and that I could really change my relationship to weaknesses and have fun changing them – experimenting with them – designing solutions and working with how I am able to support myself to stand up and walk the weakness into and as a strength

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can’t change weaknesses and that the best I can do is to fight them, resist them, and suppress them, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the opportunity to be unconditional with myself, and to intimately explore all my flaws and mishaps – and in this place myself into a position wherein I am able to expand myself – because I know myself – I see what I am doing – and within that I see the solution as to how I am able to redesign myself and develop my weaknesses into and as strengths

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an expectation upon myself that I should be without weaknesses – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as a state of conflict and resistance when I notice a weakness within me – and not want to recognize this weakness – but instead attempt and try to fight it off – and get it away from me so that I can be strong again – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is not an effective way to deal with weaknesses – because the reason there is a weakness is because I have not defined for myself an effective practical living – which is something that I am able to design with the use of words – and that I can investigate how I can assist and support myself to stand up and stabilize myself and walk myself from weakness into and as strengths

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that I am to be without weaknesses – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is a unrealistic expectation, because it is quite obvious that I will have weaknesses due to how I have lived my life, wherein I have never actually paid attention to, and supported myself in corrected weak spots in my application, as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of this expectation that I should be strong, that I shouldn’t have any flaws, that I shouldn’t have any weak spots, so that I can get to know myself unconditionally, and from thereon assist and support myself to stand up and develop my weaknesses into and as strengths

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with others that I perceive to not have the weakness that I possess, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having that particular weakness – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I can’t compare myself with another – because I have not lived the life of another – I have not walked the processes of another – and thus it’s a point of ignorance to judge myself for not being effective in points that I perceive others to be effective within – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to accept myself unconditionally – and accept and allow myself to recognize my weak spots – and within this accept and allow myself to unconditionally work with these weak spots and develop them into and as strengths

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I should be effective at everything that I am doing, and if I happen to have a weakness, and something that I am bad at, to think and believe that this is some form of mistake that shouldn’t be there, and that I must eradicate this mistake, fight it and resist it, and make sure that I ban it from my world – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be gentle in my approach to myself when I work with my weak spots – and in this making it enjoyable and fun to work with and develop my weaknesses into and as strengths

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to except that my weaknesses will go away when I judge them – and when I am hard on myself and complain within myself that I have a particular weakness – and within this I forgive myself that I that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this is not a solution – because in complaining, judging, and being hard on myself, I am not actually assisting and supporting myself to find a solution, and to define for myself a way that I can practically walk this particular weakness into and as a strength – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work with practically assisting and supporting myself to walk weak spots into and as points of strength – and doing this in a gentle manner wherein I am unconditionally accepting myself as I currently exist – and then I walk from this starting point – accepting and allowing myself to make the process of changing a weakness a point of self-exploration, self-enjoyment, and having fun with myself – wherein I am able to experiment with various different ways as to how I can practically support myself to change the particular weakness into and as a strength

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am judging, resisting, and fighting a weakness that I see within myself, and in this attempt and try to suppress this weakness, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here to and as my human physical body, and I see, realize and understand that weaknesses aren’t anything bad or wrong, it’s merely points that I require to assist and support myself within and as, and that I am able to have fun changing, and directing; as such I commit myself to formulate practical solutions for myself to develop my weaknesses into and as strengths – and have fun and enjoy myself in the process of redesigning myself

When and as I see that I am being hard on myself for having a weakness, and I perceive that I am a failure, and inferior to others, due to this weakness, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that a weakness is a weakness, nothing more or less, I am thus not a failure, I am thus not less than, I am thus not worthless – I simply require to change this weakness which I am able to have fun doing – as such I commit myself to assist and support myself to unconditionally uncover and explore my weak spots and from there formulate practical solutions so that I am able to change and redirect my weaknesses into and as strengths

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Day 118: I Want To Do It Myself!

Do you remember what we used to say as children?

– “I want to do it myself!”

And then we would hastily push away any form of assistance and support provided by our external environment, usually offered by parents, and proceed to do the particular thing on our own. The result of our attempt would most often be that we failed, or that it took longer to do what we had set out to do – because in all honesty we could not effectively walk the particular point on our own – we just wanted to do it.

This particular preprogramming is still existent within us as adults, though now it takes on different forms, but the principle behind it is still the same, we reject our external environment and proceed to do things our own way, as we want to do it and how we feel like doing it. Within this we tend to believe that we make ourselves stronger because we apparently stand on our own and push ourselves to be more independent – yet looking at the result of our actions it is easy to see that we are in-fact compromising ourselves. Fact is that in many, many cases, others in our world are more qualified, more insightful, and plainly speaking, more effective in doing the particular thing that we have set out to do, and that in taking their advice, and making their understanding our own, we would benefit greatly. Still we persist in wanting to do things our way, on our terms, by ourselves.

Why are we doing this?

do_it_myselfTo find out, let us look at the fascinating point of the superhero. The fiction of the superhero is a story that is told to youths growing up and within this what is learned is that it is possible to be a hero, do everything yourself and at the end of the day save the world with our amazing superpowers. Thus we come to grow up in a world where individuality is put on a pedestal and we are taught to pursue our own life, go with our interests, go with our own passions, find our meaning in life and so to speak, follow our hearts desire. We are taught to glorify individuality and in this we begin to believe that individuality implies strength and that the collective, the group, is a weakness and something we must strive to separate ourselves from so that we are able to create our own lives.

Is this not quite fascinating? That we live our lives as isolated superhero’s striving to become something to glorify our own individuality in our minds and in this we are fighting the group, fighting to not have to be like others, take any orders, or follow others. This is one of the single greatest mistakes we as human beings have made and it is one of the root causes as to why we as a human race seemingly are unable to change the direction of our world that currently is heading straight into the abyss. We are unable to stand together, we are unable to work together, we are unable to function as a group were individuality takes second place and where what is best for the group comes first.

Thus, we attempt and try to make our own individuals life’s the best that they can be and stand flabbergasted when seemingly without any reason, nothing wants to work for us.

Why is it then that nothing wants to work?

The answer is simple; it is because everyone else is equally as us locked into a self-importance possession, with all means trying to make their own life’s work with no consideration or regard for another, for the group. The consequence and outflow of such a disregard is obviously that conflict will emerge, people will clash, realities will fall apart, countries will have their civil wars, they will have their scheming politicians and the corruption that goes with it, because nobody understands or is willing to admit that real power – real success – real change and real betterment for all rests within and as the power of the group.

This is what I have realized during my years of walking the Desteni Group, that I am not alone able to make a significant impact, I am not alone able to create change and betterment on a global scale, I am not alone able to effectively support myself through my process of self-change – I am in fact dependent on the group and when the group is effective – I am effective.

Within this I have realized to what extent I have limited myself due to wanting to do things on my own, wanting my own life, my own purpose, and wanting my own glorified individuality to go before each and everyone else – because really – isolating oneself from the group in some form of false pride and superiority is the greatest weakness that exists and it is for this reason that we as humanity have not been able to produce anything of substance or worth in this world at all. We have been to busy trying to prove ourselves, to busy trying to win, to busy trying to be right, to busy trying to get recognition, to busy protecting our individuality – when really; there is SO much to learn from others, SO much to appreciate in others, SO much to respect in others.

What we have missed is HUMBLENESS.

And it is fascinating the we tend to view humbleness as a weakness while really it is a strength – because only when we are humble are we able to see where we can improve, where we can change, where we can learn and where we can contribute – only in being humble are we able to see where we have made mistakes and where we have not taken into account the group and our responsibility for how this world exists at this very moment in time – and only in humbleness are we for real able to work and live with others in a group.

For us as humanity to change this world we must embrace the fact that only as a group are we able to stand strong and make a difference, and that the suppressed truth is that our individuality is useless as long as we do not align our individual strengths and skills to be in harmony with the movement and application of the group as a whole. This is the secret of power that have yet to be understood by the majority of human beings – that when we let go of our idea of ourselves as superior – we do become superior for real in the shape and form of a group of individuals standing together – working within the same principles and understandings.

Thus, accept and allow yourself to ask the question, who am I without the group and who would I be, and what could I do when standing with the group? Because embracing the truth that change can only flow from within and as people standing together – that is the solution not only for our personal life’s but also for this world as a whole.

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