Today I cleaned and sorted out old stuff and decided what to throw away and what to keep, how to organize it, etc. I found a book called ‘Pregnancy’ that I got when my daughter was still in the womb. I did not read it. In-fact, I did not read up that much at all about children, pregnancy, what the human body goes through, and how to prepare myself for the birth. When I held the book I realized that I had missed a lot by not allowing myself to fully immerse myself in the process of having a child – and I asked myself – why?
I realized that I had not immersed myself because I had been to busy with other things, primarily work. And this is a pattern I have seen repeating for myself. It is only after the opportunity is gone that I see I missed it because I stressed and hurried myself through the experience. It happened to my studies as well – when I went to the university – I did not take the time to really explore the student life because I stressed and hurried through my days. It happened when I built my house. I did not enjoy and neither did I fully commit to the process because, I was stressed and concerned about other things than building the house. My weakness is that I become too focused on the future, or too focused on some part and aspect of my reality that is not present here, that I miss out on everything else – that I miss out on life.
For example, one of these points that are here now, an opportunity, is my relationship to my daughter. That is here, it is ripe and it is ready for to explore, however, I have been allowing myself to be distracted by work, by future, by ‘projects’ that I perceive to be very important. If I do not want to look back in five years and regret myself and think, why did I not spend my time where I should have, I need to refocus and place my attention on that which matters. And the interesting thing about what is real and worthy of my attention is that it is always right here – it is not something that I have to reach and attain – it is already here. And it becomes obvious when I take a breather and look at what is in my reality – then I can see – aha – that is my point right now – that is where I am able to express myself.
It is like life is already here, it is just that I do not see it – and I spend my time in my mind thinking about where I should go next instead seeing that it is not really important – because the next step is infront of the last one. Taking the next step is natural and it happens by itself when I am here, present, and I see the opportunities in my life. When I am already thinking about the next step, trying to foresee my third and fourth step, that is when I miss my balance, and I miss reality around me – and that is NOT what I want to do. It is literally one of the worst experiences, to look back and see that I have missed things because I was not present.
Somehow experiencing loss is a good way to open up and see where I have taken things for granted. Losing a loved one, being forced to give up a way of life, or being close to dying, that tends to put everything in a fresh perspective – and voila – NOW we know what is important in life.
What will I change?
I will push myself to live in the present and not get caught up in my mind-storm. I will focus on the creations processes that are here in my life, that develop and that come up naturally. I will put my attention and focus on creation and movement in the physical, real creation and movement, and not envisioning movement in the future – because that is not real. And thus – every day – and every breath will be my vision.
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