Tag Archives: win

Day 393: Talking Back

In my experience, one of the more destructive patterns in a relationship is the desire/urge to TALK BACK when feeling mistreated/hurt/diminished/unjustly treated. It is a problem to talk back in such instances because I am not entirely stable – and hence my words will be smudged with energy – some of them will not make sense – and they will result in a counterattack from the opposite side. For me, it is has felt like talking back is something that happens automatically, it is something that I really cannot help, or something that I just have to do in order to make sure that I protect myself effectively. These are the justifications that I have used to accept and allow talking back – because really – talking back is a very obvious phenomenon – with clear consequences – it is easy to see when I am talking back and all that would be required is to STOP.

However, I found that even though the pattern of talking back is obvious, it is difficult to stop, and the main reason for this I have found is COMPETITION – I do not want to lose! I do not want to be the one that falls flat on the ground. The problem as such is not talking back in itself – the problem is that I am competing and believe that the words of the other person has real impact, real weight, real power over me and my value as a person, and that I have to ‘strike back’ in order to make sure that the field is equalized and that I am not fighting from a position of inferiority.

Thus – a solution in these moments when I experience an urge to talk back it to remind myself that there is NO competition – the idea that there is a competition only exists in my mind – and as such – I do not have to shape my life around this misconception. I do not have to defend and protect myself when it comes the words others use – it is most definitely an illusion that there would be such a need. And hence – instead of talking back – I can breath – ground myself in my physical – and VOICE myself. And the focus of my VOICING would be to remain stable and calm – and to stick with common sense and with what I see is best – and not for a moment accept and allow myself to fall into the quagmire of competition.

And let us say that I fall and notice that I begin to talk back –  here I still have an opportunity to stop – I still have an opportunity to ground myself – to remind myself that it is about MYSELF and that talking back is completely meaningless – because – what I am I trying to accomplish? If I now manage to win this illusory competition – will I get a price? Hardly. Will I feel better about myself? No, because there will still be a on-going conflict between me and the other person. Hence – if I want to WIN for REAL – the solution would be to stick with my stability – stick with my common sense – remain stable – and VOICE myself – standing as an example in that moment of dealing with a conflict situation in a mature way.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to protect myself in situations of conflict – to believe that I have to defend myself and push the other person away in situations of conflict – to believe that I have to use words to convince myself and the other person that I am not losing – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remain stable – breathing – understanding that words cannot bring me down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk back trying to win in a illusory competition in my mind – where I think that the words of another can diminish and dis-empower me and that I hence need to be prepared and ready to fend of any attacks and injustices with voicing myself loudly – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in fending of – that in fighting – that in trying to win and protect myself – I am entirely missing the point of finding and establishing a solution – and obviously that is where my attention should be at – what is the solution in this conflict? What is the direction ahead? How can we move forward in order to create a sustainable solution that is best for all? Those are the questions that should be asked within me – and answered in how I voice myself in that moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not place my attention and focus on SOLUTIONS – what is the SOLUTION? How can I move forward? And hence – deliberately and actively move myself away from thinking that I am in a competition and that I need to fight – to will myself to win – to defeat all competition – and to understand within this – that the solution is to make sure that I am stable and that I look at what is best for all and do not lose myself in self-interest

Self-commitment statements

When and as I am in a conflict-situation and I want to talk back, or I have already begun to talk back, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that talking back will not solve anything, talking back will not protect me, talking back will not give me anything, talking back will not produce anything of value in my life – rather – in order to have value within me and my life – I require to remain grounded and speak COMMON SENSE – speak what I see is best for all – FOCUS on solutions – and understand that words cannot harm or hurt me – and hence I COMMIT myself to VOICE myself – to share solutions of common sense – and to stick with my stability – and to STOP speaking if I notice that I am talking back – and then remove myself – and stabilize myself – and then return to the topic at a later stage – if necessary – within stability

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Day 312: Low Approval Ratings

In politics we measure the candidates and political parties with approval ratings. If a candidate has high approval ratings, he or she will likely be elected to a post and achieve a certain amount of influence. I find it interesting that we use the word approval in order to value and define the movement of political parties and figures, and I can relate to this way of defining success/achievement through looking at my own personal life as well.

Especially when it comes to work, I have a tendency to value myself according to whether my work is approved or not – whether I achieve a high approval rating or not. Then if I do, I will feel happy, pleased and satisfied, and walk away with a smile and a comfortable feel in myself. However, if I do not, I will walk away with a nugget of fear/anxiety/stress in my chest, and I will have backchat running in circles about how I can ameliorate the situation, how I can change it up, and direct it. It is fascinating, and because of this good/bad relationship to work, my inner experience will shift, and change, and the consequence is that it is uncomfortable to be at work.

An interesting thing about wanting approval is that when that is the starting point, then what I do, why I do it, and WHO I AM within what I do, it simply does not matter. That is interesting because it means that when I seek approval, there will not be genuine care, and a real passion, it will all be for SHOW, so that I can win more approval, and heighten my approval ratings. The consequence of that is that my actions and the work that I do will lack real substance and meaning – simply because there is no SELF in the process of creation – it is instead about achieving approval. It is not strange at all that we loose touch with our childish, unconditional, curious and potent sides of ourselves, present we are children, because our entire world is based on this one thing of seeking approval – and then being defined according to that approval.

For example school, it is one big process of establishing who is to be approved, and who is not to be approved, and then you apply for university, and potentially you are approved. And what is forgotten in this entire process is looking within ourselves, asking, well WHO AM I? What do I live for? What do I want to do? When am I satisfied with myself and when am I not? What is lost is the sense of SELF = self-honesty – because everything is about fitting in and being approved.

And this pattern of desiring approval is also something that can be seen in how the world system operates, because how do you achieve approval? You take in a certain POSITION – for example – becoming a president – a position in the system and the you get approval for achieving that position – and what is forgotten? SELF – HERE. There is no recognition of WHO I AM – instead value is given by how well I am able to reach and maintain predetermined, given marks.

Approval = A PROOF OF – A PROOF OF LOVE – is that what we are all so hungry for? A proof that someone loves us? It is fascinating, and I have observed this many times in my own life, that what is highly valued and seen as prestigious in the system, automatically becomes a highly valued and desired point to achieve within myself. An example is MONEY – that is an object highly valued and defined as prestigious to have – and what do I want to have? What is it that I use to compare my own value in relation to others? It is money.

Hence, the search for approval, is the search of a proof that we are loved and valued, and we seek to achieve that through moving ourselves in various ways in the world system, making almost everything a competition – and we loose sight of REAL value – which is ourselves. And how we can easily abuse and harm ourselves, judge ourselves in thought, disregarding and being oblivious to the value that exists within and as ourselves, while at the same time trying to achieve value and recognition out there in the world system – where have to fight, and struggle, and compete in order to be able to strengthen our approval ratings.

The REAL proof of love is WHO I AM within myself in each breath – the result of my living will stand as a proof – and that result can be a result of love – which would be when I create an outcome for myself and others in my world that is best – when I place and live by the principle of what is best for all and I do not accept and allow myself to be sidetracked and loose my direction through going into the mind. The solution is to develop, create and find within myself, real love, real approval – a real home. Thus, it is not about what I do – it is about WHO I AM – it is not about where I reach – it is about WHO I AM – it is not about what I achieve – it is about WHO I AM – I am in this world but not off this world.

Day 310: Reinventing The Wheel

Ever heard of the expression ‘There is no need to reinvent the wheel!’. For those that have not, this expression implies that it is completely unnecessary to come up with ‘your own way’ of approaching and directing a specific point if a solution has already been found – thus also implying that there is no value in coming up within things yourself – the value is instead in the solution itself and the practical outflows that comes from applying that solution.

I want to write a blog about this point because it has recently opened up in relation to my job. Basically, this is what happened: I had been given a task to write a piece on a specific topic. I sat down and started to sketch out how I would approach the point, only to realize that, there were some things off with the topic. I began making my own inquiries, and sat for some hours doing research. After a while I was satisfied, and also proud over myself that I had found that answers I was looking for. In my mind I imagined myself receiving some sort of praise or recognition from my superiors.

Later during the day I approached my boss and showed him what I had been working on. To my surprise he said; ‘Oh yes, that kind of problem, we deal with it like this, you can do the same here’ – whereupon he showed me an existing template of how the problem could be directed. I experienced a sense of disappointment, because I had hoped that my efforts would be rewarded with praise and attention, and now, it seemed that all my work had been in vain. This led me to ask myself the following questions: ‘Why did I not ask for someone’s perspective before I started to dig into this work?’ – ‘How can I avoid repeating this mistake in the future?’ – ‘How come it is that I place receiving attention and praise as a priority over practically getting things done in ways already tested and trialed?’.

In looking at this point I realized that the reason as to why I wanted to reinvent the wheel was because it would make me special, unique, and more in the eyes of others – through it I would be able to differentiate myself as more than. Though, the consequence of this was that I put in several hours into something that was not required, because the wheel was already invented, I could just have asked, and then solved the task within a matter of minutes.

Hence, this stands as a fitting example as to why wanting to be special, unique, new and the first is a limitation – because in that we are not working with COMMON SENSE – but trying to realize a dream/feeling/hope. And this feeling of being special, it is not even real, because physical creation is but that – it is a physical practical creation – and who created what or when – that does not matter to physical creation. For example, does it matter to a house or those living in the house, that the carpenter who built that house came up with and applied a new idea? Most likely no. And further, being special limits us from copying and using what is good and effective in the way others live their life’s – because we do not want to be a copycat. Though, what is wrong with being a copy cat when what is copied works and is of benefit to everyone?

Instead of wanting to be special, what should be the primary focus is to be of utmost value to ourselves and others in our life – and to be that it is not required for us to be unique – however we do need effective living techniques and in the process of establish such we can learn a lot from others. Hence, the solution that I see for myself when it comes to my job is to develop communication, openness, and also, completely let go of the desire to be special, and replace it with the desire to be effective/of benefit to myself and others. To instead of striving to be recognized, strive to do the best work that I can do.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be special instead of equal with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be more than others and be recognized as special – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss out on myself – where instead of my focus and direction being to create what is best for all – to be of benefit and support to others in my life – my direction becomes about wanting and desiring recognition

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire recognition – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself and my physical reality in order to achieve recognition

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice self-recognition – in the sense that I recognize myself as being of value and a asset to others and myself – and push myself to stand as such a force in my life – where the purpose of myself and my future as such is not to become someone in the eyes of others – but instead to become a trustworthy companion that is able to walk this physical reality and give and share what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to invent something unique and out of this world – to want to do something nobody has ever done before so that I can feel special and good about myself in what I am doing – and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this desire take the drive within me – and want it to push and drive me through my life – in the belief that I require and need this something – to make a mark in my life – to have done something with my life.

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself doing something because I want to be special – something that is not really practical or necessary and where I am trying to reinvent the wheel – I stop myself – I take a breath – and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that in wanting to be special and get recognition I am compromising my effectiveness and my ability to contribute and give to others what is best – and hence I see that there is no practical value in being special – there is no practical value in being unique – and this physical reality does not care about who does what – and hence I commit myself instead practice being of value to myself and others in my world through practical living – where I push myself to take actions that make sense and have results – instead of taking actions in hope of being special.

I commit myself to practice the word simplicity – to embrace simplicity in my life – to embrace simplicity as myself – to see, realize and understand that I do not need to be special in my life – that I do not need to be someone or something to others – that all I need is equality – is to embrace and push me to stand as an equal participant – in that live value – live equality – live contribution – to push myself to be a giving participant that makes a difference through practical – basic – daily actions

Day 302: The Starting Point of Self-Improvement

Self-improvement, a word that holds a positive charge in the current system and usually this word is defined as an individual experience. In-fact, much of our system is based on self-improvement, where each individual strives to improve themselves in some facet or area of their life, and oftentimes, from within and as the starting point of competition. This is what I have seen for myself, looking back at my life, I can see that my drive to improve myself has been competition, and my satisfaction, as to whether I feel that I have been able to accomplish an improvement or not, has been the feedback and positive critique from others, mainly teachers.

It is hence interesting to see that I have come to define my strengths and weaknesses on the premise of whether I have felt that I have been more improved in comparison others, and been successful in achieving notoriety in competition with others. For example in school, the subjects that I pushed myself in, and within which the teachers and my parents gave me positive recognition, that was also the subjects I was able to do better than others, where I could feel like a winner; a process walked solely for my own gain. And when I succeeded to do something better than another, that would signify that I had reached my goal and that I could now be satisfied. As such, I would push a subject until I achieved that point of recognition, then I would let it go. I did not consider, that perhaps, if I just do enough to win, I will never really be able to discover and see my full potential. Because, fact is that in order to achieve real greatness in any given subject, skill or ability, I cannot accept and allow myself to compare and compete – because then I will stop pushing myself the moment I feel that I have won – though perfection is not something that can be reached only because I have won.

And this brings me back to self-improvement, because I want to discuss a new and expanded definition of self-improvement, where self-improvement is not done for self, or at least, not only for self, but rather for the benefit of everyone – and hence – is not limited by winning or losing. As such, the drive to improve is not anymore to succeed against others, the drive to improve is instead to be able to give more. An example would be a carpenter that is pushing his professional skills, and he does that because he sees that as a master carpenter, he will be able to produce better houses that will be more supportive to its inhabitants. As such, his starting point for mastering carpentry is so that he will be able to give back – he does not want to win, or prove himself – he wants to be able to give the best that he can be – to as such enhance this world and make it better. From within that starting point, there is no limitations, because only the carpenter can decide when he has reached his full potential.

Instead of walking self-improvement from a starting point of self-interest, it can be something we do as a way of contributing to what is best for all. Accordingly, we would also celebrate anyone that is able to improve themselves, as opposed to feeling threatened by them, as we would see/understand that when someone improves upon themselves and becomes better, this is something that will impact positively on everyone. Competition thus, should be seen as the way which we spur each-other to improve, though not for the sake of winning, but for the sake of being able to contribute more, to make more of a difference, and to be a part of creating a world that is truly supportive for everyone.

This is the solution I see that I am going to apply in order to stop myself from getting stuck in a state of competition, and in that only take my skills and abilities to the point where I feel like I am winning – I am going to push myself to improve, expand and grow, because I see, that the more I grow as an individual, the more I will be able to give back, and that in turn will impact on this world positively.

Day 257: The Ultimate Act of Revenge

When I have been in a quarrel with someone, and I accepted and allowed myself to go into a reaction, and in someway or another vest myself in the conflict, and take it personally, there is an interesting aftermath taking place within me. This aftermath will involve me having various imaginations about sabotaging myself, or my life – where the purpose of this is to make the apparently ‘bad’ (opposing agitator) person feel guilty, and as if he or she really cased me some irreparable damages.

I will take an example: Let’s say I am fighting with a colleague, and afterwards I have this bitterness come up within me, with a tinge of sadness, and self-victimization – and then the thoughts starts to run: Imagining myself crying when the colleague walks by, or imagining myself sitting on a chair, slumping and looking down as he or she pass by, hoping that my colleague will see how much of an impact their ‘bad’ behavior had on me, and that they will in turn feel really guilty and bad about themselves.

If we look at the principle behind this method of taking revenge it is the same as that of suicide. Because what is suicide? It is the ultimate statement of saying to someone that: You are to blame for how I experience myself – now deal with how you ruined my life! And what the one taking his life wants to achieve with this is to really fuck with the other person – and make them regret themselves for the rest of their lives. Hence, it is a method of competition – when you feel have lost the argument – the victimization-personality, where you sabotage yourself to get attention, is the last technique left to defeat your opposition. And I suggest that you read THIS BLOG for more context on suicide.

Looking at the practical mathematics behind this pattern it doesn’t make any sense at all. First of all, we only ever punish ourselves, really, because who will have to stand through, and experience the consequences of our so-called revenge? We do. And will this revenge of ours actually lead to anything of benefit for us, or the other? No, it won’t – it will only serve to fuck up our life and then probably the life of the other as well. Hence it is a completely useless way of approaching conflicts.

What I see as being a solution is to instead of wanting to get back, and take revenge on another for a conflict, or moment that according to our perspective didn’t go very well, is to UNDERSTAND how the conflict was created – and here – most importantly – how WE (ME) contributed in creating the conflict. Because isn’t that what we are trying to avoid with our victimization spectacle? It is all about aversion, and making us innocent and the other person a monster – but the TRUTH is that it always takes two to tango.

So, what is the solution? To embrace our role as co-creators and realize that when we end up in a conflict, when get the lemons of life, most likely, we had something to do with it, and most likely, there is something we can change about ourselves, so that we become more effective in our daily application, and do not create this particular type of event for ourselves again. Hence – the solution is – SELF-RESPONSIBILITY – that is the way to real self-empowerment and actually deciding upon a direction that will have an impact and make a difference in this world – a direction that is best for all.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fighting, struggling, and trying to get out on top is a valid way of proceeding in a conflict, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the conflict, and think that it forces me to push out, and be heard, and noticed, and that I am forced to utilize emotional tactics to get the other person down on the ground so that I can feel that I won the conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize the self-sabotage-tactic to gain interest from my opponent, and try to make them feel guilty, and hence, going the back route in trying to establish myself as a winner – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is not a solution – how it doesn’t help me to feel like I am winner, when what I am fact doing is that I am sabotaging my life, and myself, and then on top of that, keeping the conflict going, not finding a middle ground, and way to resolve the conflict in a way that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize self-sabotage tactics in trying to get my opponent to bend to my will, and go into a state of feeling like a loser, and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with winning, to become obsessed with wanting to be the best, and come out on top, instead of placing my focus on understanding how the conflict came about, so that I can learn from it till next time, and so that I don’t have continue to exist in a state of conflict, and create more conflicts in the future, but so that I can instead create a common ground, a win, win situation that is best for all, and where it’s not about small petty things, such as who won, and who didn’t win, and who should win, and who did what, and who didn’t do what

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another for creating the conflict, and then using this blame as an excuse for me to go into self-sabotage-mode, where I through using self-sabotage try to come out as a winner in the conflict – instead of understanding how the conflict was created, and within this also understanding, and practicing how I can learn to direct the conflict more effectively if I stand in a similar situation in the future – thus pushing, and commit myself to take full responsibility

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into blame, and self-sabotage mode after a conflict, or already when I am in a conflict, I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that when I go into these experiences, and these moods, I won’t be able to create anything of value or worth for myself – all that will come out of me going into these experiences is that I am going to feel sad, try to get back at another, and then repeat the entire thing because I won’t have learned anything; and thus I commit myself to instead use this moment to reflect on the best way to direct the conflict – to look at HOW I created the conflict and what I can change about myself to prevent such a moment form occurring in the future

When and as I see myself going into blame, and self-victimization, because of a conflict, thinking that another made me feel bad, and sad, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this experience, that my experience in all of this, it will not assist and support me to actually do something with myself, and make the best of the situation, and come out, learning something; thus I commit myself to STOP – and to bring myself back HERE – and to come out of my closet and push myself to LEARN – to UNDERSTAND – to be humble and NOT take the conflict personally – because I realize that when I do – I don’t see what is common sense in clarity

Day 193: Wiping Your Eyes and Survival

One point that has come up recently is me reacting in irritation when as my partner touch her face – and clears her eyes – I am going to take a deeper look at this point in this blog.

So, what I am able to see is that act of touching one’s facing and clearing one’s eyes definitely has no negative impact on the physical world or the human physical body – and that being irritated about this is one of those irrational and unnecessary points – that simply doesn’t serve any purpose whatsoever.

I can also see that the reaction in itself doesn’t have anything to do with the actual act of my partner wiping her eyes – rather it’s about the symbolical representation of this – and what I perceive that this act means = I see it as a form of tiredness and acknowledgement that one is not in a optimum physical state – but that one is sluggish and not energetic – not sprawling with life – and not exuding a desire to create and move forward – and this is something that I then judge and look down upon.

It’s thus not about the actual act of my partner wiping her face – it’s about how I perceive that this is somehow an act of weakness – and apparently – according to the logic I currently possess – this weakness is bad. This goes hand in hand with the idea that my partner is apparently my ‘possession’ and that a ‘weakness’ in my partner shows a weakness in myself – and in order for me to be a winner and victorious in this world – I apparently require to surround myself with people (and a partner) that exudes superiority and excellence – because then I can perceive myself as that point of superiority and excellence and feel like a winner.

In the end it comes down to survival – and how I want to change my partner to be the way that I perceive a successful survivor to be – someone that wins and that is able to take this world with storm and walk out of it with the highest price – this is thus where the reaction comes – it’s that my partner is not at that very moment fulfilling and satisfying my idea of winning and superiority – and how I want my relationship to be reflected and shown in the world – and obviously this is quite a fuck-up – because a relationship shouldn’t be about me presenting a successful image to the world – it should be about me getting to know another – walking with and supporting another – and assisting each-other in this process of self-creation – walking a relationship should be about WHO I AM and getting to know the WHO of another – not merely creating ideas of another and wanting them to satisfy ideals and perceptions of what it means to be a successful and strong survivor.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view and value my partner and my relationships with others according to how I am able to use these points in order to further my self-interest and win in the system – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be concerned with and only care about wanting to win – and wanting to achieve a form of superiority in the world wherein I get attention and notice for how grand and effective I am in my life and in my application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge wiping one’s eyes and touching one’s face as being a sign and representation of inferiority and lack of discipline – and strength – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge this point – and go into anger and irritation when and as I see that my partner does this thing – thinking that it signifies and shows a weakness – and that it makes me look bad in the world system of competition – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach relationships – and life in general – from within and as a starting point of competition – wherein I want to place myself in such a way that I am sure that I’ll be able to survive – and win – and compete with others and be in a favorable and superior position in comparison with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to win – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach my life from a starting point of competition – wherein I believe that the only valid and meaningful purpose in life is to compete – and is to prove myself as being superior and competitive – and more than; thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to evaluate my relationship with my partner from this perspective – that it’s only valuable when it supports me in my endeavor to win – and be victorious – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how there is much more to a relationship – and to life – that life doesn’t need to be about competition – but that I can instead live here within and as equality – and stand equal with life – and thus realize that equality is real fulfillment – that equality is real satisfaction – that standing here and grounding myself in the physical and re-aligning my starting point to not be about winning – but rather about me creating a world that is best for all – that is a way to live and participate which is of real significance and impact

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to evaluate not being competitive in this world as being a weakness – instead of seeing, realizing and understand that competition – and trying to get the better hand in the game of survival is not a representation of real strength – because real strength is about me making a decision to actually live and move myself within a purpose and starting point that goes beyond my personal desires – and my personal self-interest – wherein I place myself in a position within where I consider and look at what is best for all – and make that my starting point and from where I make decisions and from where I move myself to take in a position – or walk a relationship – thus not making it to be all about myself and who’s winning and who isn’t – but instead making sure that all are winners – and that all are cared for equally – and that nobody gets left behind

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself to actively ask myself how I am able to move and participate and create to bring about a change that is best for all – and I commit myself to look at my life as an opportunity for me to bring about change in this world permanently and substantially – and make this my priority – and place everything else second to that

I commit myself to realize that winning is not real when only one person wins – that is not winning – it’s rather a form of abuse and bullying that takes place against those less fortunate – and thus I commit myself to re-align myself walk towards a common ground and common point where all are winners – and thus I commit myself to stop judging my partner – when she touches her face and wipes her eyes – and realize that I am not in this relationship to further my self-interest and ‘win’ in this world – but I am here to get to know another for real – and to create something of value and worth that stand beyond competition – that stand beyond winning and loosing – that honor the equality that is here between all various expressions in this physical world and reality

Day 61: Competition and Infected Vocabulary

Competition – has been, and is still in many facets of my life my primary motivation to move myself.

How can I see this?

Well, I’ve become aware that there exists jealousy within me in relation to particular points, and beings in my world, and now jealousy is intimately related to competition – because jealousy comes up when I’ve lost the competition and I am now the looser.

So, what is it that I want to win, what is it that I desire to have, what is it that I feel I gain through competition?

It’s simple – it’s a feeling importance, of feeling of mattering, and of being someone; so what this shows me is a fascinating point – I’ve defined mattering, importance, and being someone as energy; thinking that I am only able to be these points when I experience a particular excitement within me, and I feel that I’ve won.

Obviously, this is a misunderstanding of the words importance, matter, and being someone – because in essence all of these points are physical; for example – being important, or doing something important is simply considering and walking a practical, physical point that have a influence on myself or others – it’s thus me handling a physical point and nothing more; there is no energy involved, there is no superiority, or inferiority involved – it’s simply important.

The point of mattering – this is clear, because obviously I am able to matter without having a experience. Actually, I am mattering in all moments whether I want it or not, because whatever I do it have a effect that is of matter, and I am here within and as matter – thus the point of wanting to matter is really delusion because I do matter in every moment, that is the consequence of being here in the physical with and as my human physical body.

pile-of-wordsThe same goes with the point of “being someone” – really – I am all the time someone – some one – one person; that is me and it can’t be changed – I am some one. Thus – trying to become someone is really delusional, and it’s not really about becoming someone, it’s about having a particular energy that I’ve defined as being “someone” – while in-fact I can live, or I do already live, being someone in every moment of breath.

Thus – what I am able to see is that I’ve misunderstood words, and created false, and ineffective definitions of words, which have made me misinterpret, and misunderstand reality, and made me ineffective in living – because I am searching for, and trying to live out my illusion, while this will obviously clash with the actual physical reality that is not of illusion.

This also shows the importance of clearing, and purifying one’s vocabulary, because the vocabulary is one’s MAP – it’s the GPS that one use to guide oneself in this physical reality, and when this point consists of false information, one’s living, and one’s course in this physical reality will be equal and one, false and misdirected.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, and participate within and as in-effective, dysfunctional, and false definitions to the words of importance, matter, and being someone – thinking, perceiving, and believing that I must be something else, and must generate some type of energetic possession within me in order to live these words – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my vocabulary ineffective definitions, and bias my vocabulary to exist within and as energy, and experience, instead of seeing physical reality direct here without interpretation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how it is that I’ve limited myself through infecting my vocabulary with definitions that are not sound, specific, physical, and direct – but instead defining my words within and as energy – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that being important is a actual physical point that doesn’t make one more, or less than – but it’s simply a physical definition as being important; as having responsibility for a point that have a substantial effect on the physical reality and thus must be directed – that is important

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that value of having a clear vocabulary, and understand that my effectiveness in this world will not be optimal unless my vocabulary is optimal, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is something wrong with me when I have experiences, when I do not seem to be able to function in this world properly, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that there is nothing wrong with me, but there is something wrong with my GPS, which is my MAP of this world, which is my vocabulary, because this point has not been installed, directed, and specified properly and thus I have not effective guide in this reality

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this point of competition that I am facing, is in-fact not implying that there is something wrong with me, that I am bad, and that these reactions of competition imply that I am a naughty, and immoral person – it simply shows me that I’ve aligned myself with an ineffective definition in relation to the point of competition, wherein I’ve allowed myself to define interaction, and moving myself with others to be a competition, and to be infested with energy, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I don’t have to live competition in this way, and that I don’t have be enslaved to the point of competition as defining myself to a energy as competition, but that I am able to clear, and purify my vocabulary, and bring myself back here to breath, and walk within and as physical equality and oneness, here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself when and as I go into competition, and to immediately as I react within jealousy, or wanting to compete, or wanting to win, judge myself as being bad – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that it have nothing to do with being bad, being wrong, or being evil – I mean it has to do with my programming, and how I’ve programmed my vocabulary to be in conflict with reality as the physical, thus generating energy instead of aligning my vocabulary with the physical, allowing myself to move in oneness and equality with what is here, and to see what is here without interpretation but see directly without bias, or judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I go into jealousy, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that jealousy is nothing bad, but it’s in-fact only a product of a misalignment in my vocabulary as my physical living – and as such I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that this misalignment is about how I’ve defined myself to be inferior, and less than others, thinking that I must fight to prove myself, to be seen, and to be noticed – and unless I am – I am apparently completely worthless, and without any form of value; and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to compete, too fight, and to struggle, instead of remaining here and walking with and as my human physical body as what is best for all, thus re-defining my vocabulary to be in alignment with the principle of the physical as what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the competition I experience is real, is factual, is actual, and is something that I must define myself according too, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that this point of competition is in-fact completely false, it’s only a outflow of a misaligned point of vocabulary and is thus a illusion that doesn’t in-fact exist, it’s only a repercussion because I’ve allowed myself to live in conflict with and as the physical as what is real; and thus I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to re-align my vocabulary, to instead of looking at other human beings within and as the starting point of competition, to instead look at other human beings from a starting point of learning from them, from a starting point of seeing their strengths and making their strengths mine, and seeing their weaknesses and making sure that I don’t accept and allow the same points of weaknesses within and as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how it is that I’ve in-fact held myself back from changing myself, and re-aligning myself into and as physical living, because I’ve judged myself for my reactions, and focused all my attention unto my reactions, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that my reactions are not the origin point – my reactions are in-fact the outflow of me already having made decisions within me, and already having moved myself in such a way that I’ve stood in conflict with and as the physical and within this generated, and created energy – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring myself back here, and to understand that reactions aren’t bad, but that they show me that there is work to be done, wherein I must align my practical physical living to be what is best for all with and as the physical here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself, and have myself go through pain, and hell – through me judging what I’ve become as a reactive being, as a system, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that judgment is a inferior way of dealing with, and walking the point of self-change – and what must be lived for change to become a manifest reality is understanding, and is gentleness – wherein I must get to know the mechanics of myself, and learn to operate myself in such a way that I do not generate energy as conflict – but that I live here within and as the physical in every moment of breath as what is best for all

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am living the words importance, matter, and being someone – as wanting and desiring to have attention, to be seen, and to experience some type of energy – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand how I’m within this living false, infested definition of the words, that are not aligned with and as physical reality – as such I commit myself to delete, and remove these definitions and live importance, matter, and being someone as actual physical expressions HERE – that have a clear definition that is practically effective in my day to day life

When and as I see that I am limiting myself through living myself as vocabulary that is infected with energy, as experience, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this is the reason as to why I experience myself unstable, it’s because my vocabulary is not in itself stable but in-fact infected with misaligned definitions, and filled with assumptions and no direct reality relationship; as such I commit myself to live words as their actual physical meaning – and to not anymore live words as a energetic experience

When and as I am judging myself when I have reactions, and I blame myself that I go into competition, or act in a way that is not best for all – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand how this way of living, and interacting with myself is in-fact not taking into consideration how it’s not something wrong with ME per say, but something wrong with the instructions I’ve given to myself, as my vocabulary; as such I commit myself to re-align my vocabulary as what is best for all – and to understand that my reactions are indicators as to where I’ve not yet changed my vocabulary to be clear, specific and what is best for all

When and as I see that I go into a state of competition, as wanting to prove to others that I am the best – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that the idea of competition is a creation of the mind, as a misinterpretation of reality – wherein I’ve defined reality as being a struggle instead of realizing that reality is simply reality and that I am actively creating it to be a struggle; as such I commit myself to re-align myself with and as the physical and to stop competition and instead push myself to learn from others

When and as I see that I am blaming, or judging myself for going into a reaction, or experience, wherein I for example become jealous, or I go into competition, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand how this point of blaming myself is ineffective, and it doesn’t make sense – because what is happening is that my vocabulary is not properly aligned, and I mean this is nothing bad, or wrong, it’s simply a mechanical error that must be corrected through willing myself to in actual physical reality change my living statement of myself into and as what is best for all; as such I commit myself to instead of judging myself re-align my vocabulary as my living to in every moment be what is best for all – and do so through re-directing myself within and as breath HERE

When and as I see that I struggle, fight, and combat myself within myself, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize, and understand that self-change is not about fighting myself, it’s about changing myself – which is not a fight but it’s decision – and this decision is the lived here as one direction, wherein I instead of fight my ineffective points within me – direct these points as myself – and thus this is the difference between fighting, and directing – that in directing I take control, I take responsibility, I stop blaming, and I stop feeling less than, and I in-fact walk through the pain of self-change – through simply in every moment taking the responsibility to direct myself in a way that is best for all

When and as I see that I am looking at others, and their participation from a starting point of competition, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that competition doesn’t benefit me, or this world as a whole – and that I am able to in-fact utilize the example of others to expand myself, through learning from others, instead of fighting and competing with others; as such I commit myself to actively learn from others, and to utilize this point to change myself in the moment when I notice I go into competition – to ask myself – what can I learn from thus human-being and how can I apply it in my own life?

When and as I see that I go into judging my reactions, and reacting in relation to my reactions, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand how I am within and as reacting to my reactions prolonging myself from making the decision to change, and to change myself for real in and as physical actual living; as such I commit myself to stop reacting to myself as the mind, and instead focus upon immediate self-change here within and as breath

When and as I see that I am judging myself, instead of changing – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand how it won’t assist, and support me to judge myself, and that this merely makes it more difficult for me to change – thus I commit myself to move myself to self-change immediately instead of going into and as the point of judging myself when I’ve seen, and located a particular point of self-dishonesty within and as me

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