Tag Archives: worthless

Day 52: Too Useless To Notice Myself

Yesterday, and the day before I’ve in my Swedish blog been writing about various aspects of wanting to be noticed – in particular the dimension of anticipation, and excitement – and also the dimension of disappointment, and feeling left out – two dimensions that are opposite polarities.

Today I am going to expand on this point further by writing about a particularly interesting experience that have come up on at least two occasions during the day.

So, for some context – the first point was that I entered a moment wherein two beings where speaking – I experienced myself a little pressured and said “Hello!” – only one of the beings said “Hello!” back and the other ignored me – and in that moment of being ignored I felt hit in the stomach – like – “Shit! – He’s excluding me!” – and I tried to sort of hold my appearances up as “Pff that was nothing!” – but within me I was greatly affected, and this also showed in my physical application that became stiff, and held back.

The other situation occurred as I was to take my bike into the building where I live – I was just outside the door, and then another guy comes out – and the door is open – instead of holding the door open for me as I expected he would do he looked at me and then ventured on letting the door slam shut behind him; in that moment I yet again had that reaction of feeling hit in my solar-plexus – and experiencing it as being a attack on my personal pridethinking that – “Does this mean he doesn’t like me?” – “I am becoming ignored all the time, there must be something wrong with me – what am I doing?”

leftoutSo, I mean – both these points represented one interesting thing – “being ignored” – or “being left out” – not being seen, and not being considered – and that was what I took so hard. And how this points relates back to the wanting to be noticed-point – is that this point of being rejected, and ignored is at the opposite polarity of being seen – it’s the thing that I absolutely do not want to happen and that I tend to strive towards not happening through being a generally comfortable and nice guy to be around.

Another point that is interesting is that I see that I started to judge myself after both these situations – and within me I was both angry, sad, and slightly blameful towards the other, and also myself – thinking that this was also my fault because I wasn’t pleasurable, and comfortable enough – there was definitely something that I didn’t do the right way and this is why the situation played out as it did.

So, yet again – the primary points to work with – as my primary issues that lies at the foundation of why I experience this point – is self-respect, self-acceptance, and self-value – words that I am still practicing to live and that I am not fully in all dimensions of my reality standing effectively within and as – because obviously these points show that I still do exist in a polarity when I am around others – of searching for acceptance, and fearing rejection, and being shunned.

I can also mention here that a good blog that I’ve read lately that is also about this particular point is Anna Brix Thomsen blog about “there must be something wrong with me” – and I highly suggest that you read this if you also as me experience difficulties with being stable, and comfortable with yourself regardless of how you perceive that others treat you.

Okay – so the point I will focus my self-forgiveness, and self-commitments upon today will be this point of being ignored/rejected – and the various points that opened up within this.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel rejected, and ignored when I say something, or do something, and nobody pay’s any attention to me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when nobody seems to notice me, and go into and as a reaction of thinking that there is something wrong with me – and that if I’d been a “normal being” then people would’ve noticed me, and would’ve seen me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame, and judge myself when I feel that I am not being noticed enough – and think that there is something wrong with me because apparently I should be noticed by others, and apparently being noticed by others is what shows me that I am “normal” – and that I am “acceptable” – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not unconditionally accept myself, and respect myself – and to stop defining my value, and worth according to whether I perceive that I am noticed or not – and as such live the correction of me living self-value – through not anymore speaking, and behaving from a starting point of wanting to be noticed, and wanting to be seen

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that unless I am noticed I have no value, and worth – and that unless I feel as being a part of someone else’s world – there is something wrong with me, and there is something I’ve not considered – and there is something that I’ve done badly; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define, and see self-value as being something that is given to me by others, and is something that will happen to me when I am able to satisfy and please others – and make others feel that they are having a good time around me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I do not feel, or perceive that another have taken notice of me, and respected me properly – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I want to be noticed, and respected by others – because I’ve not given these points to myself – I’ve not allowed myself to in-fact notice myself – meaning to see myself, to get to know myself, and be intimate with myself – and that I’ve not allowed myself to respect myself – because I’ve still accepted and allowed myself to search for others to give me value instead of me valuing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it’s impossible for me to value myself, and that I am not able to value myself because I don’t know how to do it – because I’ve never done it before – and so within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that self-value is being content with myself – and understanding that I don’t need to assert myself in any form of social setting to be okay with myself – but that I am self-value and that everything that I need, and want as being noticed is here for me to give to myself in each and every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that unless I am seen by others, and unless others respond, and react to what I am saying, or doing – that I’ve then said, or done something wrong – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I speak, and express myself – to always be nervous as to how others will respond to me – because I believe that this response will determine my value, and determine my very existence – and as such I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to value myself – and trust myself – and stop defining myself according to how I perceive that others are feeling about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how I believe that others see me – and think that this definition that I’ve created in my mind of myself, as how I believe that others see me is in anyway real – and actual physical point – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that it’s not a real, and actual physical – and that it’s not about actual facts but only about what I feel, and experience, as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value what I feel, and what I experience more than myself – and more than my actual physical movement of and as myself here in every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start to backchat about others as being “mean” and being “inconsiderate” – when I feel that they have not given me the attention that I need; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for me not feeling that I am noticed enough – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I don’t need to be noticed anymore by others – and that I am able to in-fact notice myself – I mean I can see myself in every moment and the question I should really ask myself is why hasn’t this been enough? I mean – I am here to notice me in every breath yet why have I wanted more?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, and desire to have more than me noticing myself – thinking that I am worthless, and useless, and that it doesn’t matter that I notice, and see myself – because apparently what matters is that another see and notice me, and define me as being positive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop the inferiority within me as thinking that I am by design less than others, and as such that I must be noticed by others – instead of seeing, realizing, and understand that I’ve invented my design and as such it’s not inherent – and it doesn’t have to remain this way – because I am able to change myself and as such be fully content, and satisfied in me seeing, and noticing myself – and not anymore having to make sure that others feel positively towards me – but that I instead live self-value, self-worth, and self-respect here – in being stable within and as me in all social settings knowing that I am sufficient, and I am enough – and I don’t need anyone to tell me or show me this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I notice myself, or when I am aware of myself – that this doesn’t count because I am apparently useless – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop and change this self-destructive reasoning within me – to as such accept and allow myself to stand up for myself and live self-worth, and self-respect in each moment – in not allowing myself to be defined, and created by how I perceive that others experience me

Self-commitments

When and as I say, and do something, and nobody takes notice – and I react in taking it personally, thinking that there is something wrong with me – Immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that there is nothing wrong with me – but only that nobody has taken notice of me – and nothing else have really happened; as such I commit myself to breath – and simply continue to express myself in the moment without making a big deal out nobody noticing me – I express me for myself and not so that somebody can take notice of me

When and as I see that I am blaming, and judging myself as thinking that “there is something wrong with me” – because nobody seems to have taken notice of me in a moment – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I don’t have to make it a big deal, or take it personally – I mean it’s simply that nobody noticed me and nothing more – as such I commit myself to simply breath and continue moving, and applying myself naturally here and stop any secret agenda of wanting to be accepted, or seen, or heard, or loved – I commit myself to accept, respect, and worth myself

When and as I see that I am thinking that I am worthless unless somebody takes notice of me, thinks about me, or considers me in a way so that I feel important – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I mean – I can’t live my life constantly evaluating myself upon the basis of how I think others see, and notice me – as that will make me to become a slave and nothing more but a slave – as such I commit myself to practice expressing myself without wanting anything back – expressing myself unconditionally and without searching for any form of response when I speak and express myself

I commit myself to notice, and see myself – and to practically worth myself – and to do this through practicing expressing myself unconditionally and without wanting, or desiring to have any specific response in return – and that I simply express myself naturally in the moment as a breath – speak naturally, move myself naturally – as I would’ve done if I was by myself – because in essence I am always by myself – and thus I commit myself to live self-worth, and self-respect through valuing myself unconditionally and not limit myself to feel comfortable only when I think that others think I am fun, or cool to be with

When and as I think, and believe that it’s impossible for me to value, and worth myself – because I’ve never done it; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that it’s not impossible – but it’s just convenient for me to think that it is because then I won’t have to change myself – as such I commit myself to practice living self-worth, and self-respect practically through not allowing my expression of myself to be dependent upon how others express themselves towards me

When and as I see that I become nervous about how others will respond to something that I’ve said – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I don’t have to live this way of evaluating myself on the basis of how others respond to me – but that I am able to change my way of living so that I express myself as myself without wanting anything back – and thus that I give, and share of myself unconditionally; as such I commit myself to speak within oneness and equality as my human physical body – speak HERE and without any secret agenda as how I’d like others to respond to me – and experience me; because I see that this is self-limitation

When and as I see that I am changing myself in my way of moving, speaking, sharing, and expressing myself – because I believe that others feel a particular way about me – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that if I allow me to change because others feel a specific way about me – then this is me limiting myself, and making me less than what I am able to be; as such I commit myself to live my fullest potential in every moment through not worrying, or thinking about what others feel, or not feel in relation to me – and instead focus upon me expressing myself self-honestly in every moment of breath

When and as I see, and notice that I start to backchat about others as being “mean” and “inconsiderate” – because they’ve not given me the attention that I apparently deserve – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that what I experience has nothing to do with others – and that me not feeling that I am being given attention is my issue and it’s not anything about actual attention; as such I commit myself to simply stop and to re-align myself in the moment as me speaking, and sharing myself for and as myself here in this moment within oneness and equality as physical breath – here with my body with no starting point that is in separation from myself as here

When and as I want others to notice me, and that I am thinking it’s not enough that I notice, and see myself – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that it’s a misconception that I’ve made thinking that what others experience matters – when what matters is the physical and my movement in the physical – thus I decide who I am and not the attention I perceive that I receive from others; as such I commit myself to practice directing my human physical body – and my expression to not be dependent upon any form of expression that “get in return” – I express myself unconditionally here

When and as I see that I am thinking that I apparently must receive notice, and attention from others, because I am less by design, and inferior as a trait that I’ve been born with and can’t change – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this is merely an excuse for me to not stop, and change myself – and re-align myself – because I know that I can change myself and that it’s as such just a point of actually doing it; as such I commit myself to stop whining, and victimizing myself to my experiences – and instead simply change myself in one moment – in one breath – here

When and as I think that me noticing myself, and giving myself attention – through me expressing myself within oneness and equality as my full physical awareness here – is not enough because I am apparently useless – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I am the creator and thus I decide what I will accept, and allow and what not – thus I decide that I am useful – and that I am enough – that me giving me attention, and noticing myself is sufficient; as such I commit myself to notice, and give myself attention – and to be here with me – and to understand that this is everything that I require and need

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Day 18: Test-anxiety – Fear of Feeling Useless (Part 8)

One reason that I fear receiving a bad grade – is because I fear how I will feel when I do receive the grade – I fear what thoughts will go through my mind, what images, and pictures might emerge.

am-i-worthless-message-question-text-words-Favim.com-339524The reason for this is because I’ve in the past – when I’ve gotten a bad grade gone into a experience of feeling useless, and bad – and I’ve felt that I was a failure – and within that experience the rest of my world seemed to be not relevant at all – and everything that was relevant was my experience of feeling bad that I didn’t receive the best grade. This is how it’s been for all my years in school – the grade – the comment from the teacher – the final judgment – that have always made such a big impact on me – both positively, and negatively – both with feeling super-good, and also feeling super-low.

Why is this? I mean – where does this point originate? What I am able to see is that it has to do with self-worth, self-integrity, self-respect, and self-love – basically who I am towards myself, and how much worth I consider myself having only by myself. I am able to see that through my life I’ve tried to add worth to myself through taking on various points – I’ve tried to add worth to me through playing sports, through learning to play guitar, through learning a new language – and also getting a good grade in school have also been another way to add worth to me – and the reason for this is because deep down I’ve felt that there is no worth to me – and that I need something to put unto me – like a Christmas tree receiving it’s dressing – for me to be able to be whole, fulfilled – and worth something.

This is obviously completely fucked up – because common sense is that I should be fine with me regardless of where I am in this world, of what I own, of what skills I have, or what education I have – that is real self-worth – and self-love – when the external does not determine who I am – but instead I determine who I am – because that is completely unconditional and not dependent upon slaves to be realized.

Self-forgiveness

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider, and define myself as having no inherent worth – and as being in essence worthless – and within this think that I must cloth myself with various experiences, and symbols in this world to gain worth – and to “become something” – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself – to not love myself – and to not worth myself – to not see, realize and understand that I do not need something more than me to be worthy of living – worthy of loving myself

2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself dependent upon external points in order to give me an experience of feeling worthy – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize education as my slave – to give to me worth – within me believing that I am not able to give worth, and love to myself – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself here as completely whole – and fulfilled – to see, realize, and understand that I am not able to create real worth through external points – but that real worth must be something that I live and create from nothing as myself – otherwise it’s a point of separation that I am using to not take self-responsibility for who I am

3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for myself in create myself as self-love, and self-worth – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my environment – to blame school – to blame education – to blame friends – to blame my family – for me not experiencing worth as myself – instead of accepting and allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that it’s up to me to create me – and that this is because I am here – to create myself as self-worth, and self-love – and that this is what I am doing through making a decision within myself as to who I am going to be in a particular moment – and what I am going to live as – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath – bring myself back here – and live self-worth, and self-love – as myself – through not being influenced by my external world and reality

4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and emulate an experience of self-love, and self-worth – through getting good grades in school – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that a actual – and real expression of self-worth, and self-love is not a short burst of energy – it’s not a feeling as feeling good – it’s a actual – one and equal – physical movement – and physical stance of myself here – as who and what I will accept and allow myself to express myself as – and as who and what I will accept and allow myself to exist, and live as; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not BREATH – and being this process of self-creation – and walk this process of self-creation in every moment of breath – in every here – moment

5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that worth, and love is to come to me – without me giving these points to myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to go the lazy-route of manifesting self-worth, and self-love – through defining it in relation to a external point – and then trying to get the attention, and positive affirmation from that external point – instead of me willing myself to stand, and create, and live myself as self-worth, and self-love – and as such stopping the separation – stopping the attempt to have another give to me what I am not giving to myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand the simple common sense in understanding how I function – in understanding that I can’t steal, or take self-worth from another – but I must create, and move, and direct the point as myself here within and as oneness and equality – else it’s not real

Self-commitments

1. When and as I see that I consider, and define myself as being inherently, and in essence worthless – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – NO – I am not inherently, or in essence worthless – I am here with the potential to create and birth myself as life from the physical – and I am here with the potential to decide what I am going to live in my life – and how I am going to life – as such I commit myself to take this gift of who I am – and utilize this gift as my potential to birth me as life from the physical – to see that this is real worth – and real value – and to bring this point to fruition – and fulfillment

2. When and as I see that am making myself dependent upon external points in order to give me an experience of feeling worth – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – I must create myself as worth, else worth is not real but only a mirror image in separation from myself – as a feeling – as a thought – and as such I commit myself to bring into creation real worth – and real value – and real living practically here – within and as physical self-movement – on a breath per breath basis here

3. I commit myself to take responsibility for myself – in creating myself as self-worth – and self-love – in practical self-movement – wherein self-love, and self-worth is not something that I try to generate through having others looking at me a specific way – or perceiving me in a particular way – but that it’s a point that I am living as myself – and walking as myself without being dependent upon another

4. When and as I see that I am trying to emulate a experience of self-love, and self-worth – through getting good grades in school – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that good grades won’t give me self-worth, and self-love – good grades have nothing to do with WHO I AM – because WHO I AM is my responsibility and not the responsibility of my grades – as such I commit myself to take full responsibility for myself – and to stop utilizing my external environment to sabotage myself – in saying it’s my external environment that should give to me – instead of me deciding to give me to me

5. I commit myself to give to myself that which I’d like my external environment to give to me – as such I commit myself to give to myself self-worth and self-love – applying these points as – pushing myself in process – and walking through – applying self-forgiveness on reactions, and thoughts as they come up – and not accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within and as the mind – as experience – as thought – as limitation