Tag Archives: wrong

Day 324: Did I Do Something Wrong?

In this blog I am going work on the following mind pattern: Some days ago I faced a situation in which I thought that I was given a spare part to my tractor by a friend of mine. However, my friend clarified that he was not giving me the part but expected to get money in return. In that moment I felt embarrassed, and vulnerable, and thought to myself that I should have known! How could I have expected him to give me this part! Throughout the rest of that day I returned to this moment in my mind, and each time, what came up within me was this experience of embarrassment, ridicule, and feeling stupid. Several times I thought that my friend must think that I am an ass, that expected to get this part for free.

I am going to look at this pattern through asking myself four questions: How am I? What am I? Why am I? Who am I? – and through these questions walk the mind-pattern, and define a practical solution for myself that I can apply real-time.

How am I?
In the situation that I described above I felt nervous, tense, inferior, and vulnerable. I believed that the people around me thought badly of me, that they did not like me, and that they saw flaws in me. I was worried they were going to spot a weakness and use that to their advantage, speak about me behind my back. I judged myself because I did not have a casual and relaxed approach to my friend wanting money for the spare part.

What am I?
In the situation, I am not expressing myself to my fullest potential, rather I am standing as an example of a reaction, of holding back, and not accepting and allowing myself to live fully.

Why am I?
I am here on this earth to learn about myself, to see, understand and correct my patterns, and hence, this situation is an excellent opportunity for me to expand me insight and self-knowledge. I am here to live fully, and hence, I see, realize and understand, that this small moment, and my reaction within it, is insignificant in the large picture, and thus not something that I should make a big deal out of within myself.

Who am I?
To correct this pattern, I am to live self-acceptance and light-heartedness – allowing myself to NOT take things to seriously – allowing myself to not be right – to do something that is seen as socially unacceptable or bad – and still – accept and LOVE myself. Thus – the solution is to stand unconditional in my self-love – and to live that practically through STOPPING the judgments – and instead SMILING at the point – and accepting and allowing myself to let it go through relaxing myself with my body – relaxing my muscles and bringing myself back here.

Self-forgiveness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be too serious about how I am perceived by others, and judge myself when and as I perceive that others have created a negative judgment about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value what others think of me, and define myself according to how I believe others see me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not love myself unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place a demand unto myself – that I am to be calm, stable and relaxed when it comes to money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people that I have perceived to be greedy or misers when it comes to money – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will judge me the same way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be judged as a miser

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving the impression that I am a miser – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over-compensate through being generous to the extent where I am compromising myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to have a good impression of me and like me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to love me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek comfort, acceptance and value in others – and not trust myself – and stand by myself regardless of what might play out in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand by myself – but abandon myself when I perceive that others are against me – and then fight with myself – instead of accepting myself – and loving myself unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as flawed and inferior – and thus seek others approval in the belief that this will raise my value – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not love myself unconditionally – and understand that my value is constant HERE – that nobody outside of me can determine my value – because my value is HERE as me by the fact that I am here within and as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for approval in others instead of approving myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace that I have a problem with money when it comes to giving and receiving – and that this is not something to judge – but instead something to understand – so that I can correct the point and develop a common sense – equal and one relationship with money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace my problems – the things I have to work on within myself – and understand that they are not bad – but simply weak spots that I require to understand and correct – and hence I commit myself to LOVE myself unconditionally – through NOT judging my weak points

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself judging myself, because I have reacted towards either giving, or receiving money, in fear, I stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I do have problems with money – and this has got nothing to do with others – and the reactions I perceive they have towards this point is not relevant – what is important is that I understand my issue and move myself to direct – for myself – and thus I commit myself to UNDERSTAND my problem with money – to FOCUS on MYSELF – and to approach my issue within unconditional self-acceptance

I commit myself to be curious about my issues and investigate them unconditionally – to not judge – instead LEARN and UNDERSTAND

I commit myself to replace judgment with curiosity and interest towards learning more about myself and the issues I have – in this case with money


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Day 315: Missing Me In My Decisions

Today I had a listen to two interviews on Eqafe:

These two interviews are about points that we face when it comes to big decisions, such as deciding upon a career, where to live, or what relationship to go into. The primary experience that is discussed is the fear of making the wrong decision, where this experience comes from,  how, and why it is created.

I can now see that the one point holding me back from seeing with clarity is that I do not accept and allow myself to consider MYSELF in the decisions that I make. It is easy for me to make a decision, set a goal, and then will myself to achieve it, without asking myself, and looking within myself at what it is that I would actually want – or rather – what would be BEST for me? What would ENHANCE and EMPOWER me? What would make me BEST for and as myself?

For example, when it comes to looking at my future, I have not asked myself what direction would best fit my beingness, my way of expressing and sharing myself, and instead, I have looked at the practicalities, and the practicalities only. There is also my relationship with myself to consider, and this relationship is not based solely on what is practical, there is something more to it, and that more is WHO I AM as a being, how I genuinely express and experience my life.

I am grateful that I have been able to now see, and define from where this reaction of uncertainty arise, because it reveals a lot. I can see how this way of approaching life arise from inflexibility, ideals, ideas, and judgments towards myself, where I do not consider WHO I AM, but rather make a logical assessment in my mind of where I should go, and then start creating my life according to that. And possibly, this is also why I many times change my mind, because I am not FULLY here in what I am doing. I have not accepted and allowed myself to also look at MY relationship to the point, WHO I AM, in relationship to my life, my career, and other decisions that arise in my daily living.

There is a solution, and that is to when I look at future play-outs, and I notice the fear of making a wrong decision come up within me, that I then stop myself, take a breath, and ask myself: Who am I within this? Does this fit, enhance, support and develop me and my being? Is this where I want to go and where I see myself being and becoming the best that I can become?

Day 301: Making Decisions In A Rush

Lately, a couple of events have played out in my life of a similar theme. This theme is making decisions in a rushed state, which leads to consequences. Let me begin with an example from my life. At the moment I am in the process of building a house, and as such, this requires many decisions to be made. One of these decisions have involved whether or whether not an old staircase should be removed. Initially, I decided that it was to be removed. But some days ago, I started to think differently. And this is where it started to get interesting.

During the course of a morning I changed my mind, I now wanted to keep the staircase. Looking back at my line of reasoning, it was based on but a few of all the relevant dimensions to take into consideration – and this happened because I moved too hastily in my decision making. Though, the idea of wanting to now keep the staircase came up fast within me, and I jumped on the bandwagon. Without sitting down to consider the point and look at it more deeply, I decided, and then started to look for ways to implement my decision. What is fascinating is that this decision was made within and as a rushed state. I felt like I had to make a decision immediately, and then push it into creation as fast as I could; I felt that else I would potentially loose out on something. Hence I contacted the workers, and shared the new set of directions.

All good, until the next day, when I started to consider removing the staircase. Also this time, there was this rush in me, to immediately make the decision. Though, now I could see how irrational this decision making process was. In just the span of two days I had felt a rush, and impatience to make two complete opposite decisions. How is that even possible? Fact is that it is not practically possible, and that makes sense because this rush and impatience is not practical – it has nothing to do with the actual decision to be made. Instead, these experiences are behavioral patterns that I have created in relation to decision making, and these sabotage my ability to make clear, well-researched and sound decisions that are best for all. Because the latter decision making process requires that I slow down, that I for a moment stop, silence myself, and look within me, to in this process investigate the pros and cons of the point.

The solution that I see with regards to this point is to apply patience, and to slow myself down, to allow decisions to grow forth and take the time they need – because it takes time to look at and consider all dimensions of a decision – it does not and cannot happen in the blink of an eye. And if it does happen fast, well, most likely important aspects and dimensions has been overlooked. What I see that I can do to help me with slowing down in my decision making process is to sit down with a piece of paper, and write the pros and cons of the decision I am looking at. Perhaps, make some coffee for myself, and make it a moment of meditation, where I can also challenge myself to look at as many dimensions as possible – hence allowing for decision making to become a process of expansion.

In terms of the initial example I gave, I can see that if I would have allowed myself to sit down, and consider all the dimensions of removing, or not removing the staircase, I would not have had to go through the entire experience of rushing, of running to various persons and changing my decision. Instead, I would have looked at the point once, and then established, what is the best direction that I can take, and then stuck with that.

So, really, what I can also learn from this is that taking things slow makes things go faster in the long run, as I am that way able to avoid many mistakes and errors that I might have otherwise created for myself. Hence, do it once and do it properly, instead of doing it incompletely five times.

 

Day 213: The s(M)mothering-construct

Lately I’ve been seeing the effects of a particular behavior and way of being that I’ve created throughout the years – and this is the s(M)othering-construct – where I literally smother myself and/or others through a very strict idea of what is right, and what is wrong – what is good and what is bad – what is correct and what is incorrect.

The main problem I’ve seen is the way that I approach my own as well as others mistakes, because when a mistake, or mishap happen, I tend to judge, blame, and the enforce a correction – implement the ‘right’ way of doing things. For example, let’s say I’ve been eating something that doesn’t go with my body very well, and I get a stomach ache because of it – then my automated way of dealing with this is to be hard on myself, and demand that I do what is ‘right’ – and thus not anymore eat that kind of food.

What happens when I approach mistakes, mishaps and weaknesses in this way is that I never go in any depth, I don’t actually discover what’s behind the point, and what has created it – instead the point is just plain wrong and it must be turned around to be right. Though, this also poses difficulties, because often then I don’t know really what is wrong, and what is supposedly right, and then my corrective application will be sporadic, and not grounded and clear in purpose.

Thus – there are obvious benefits with LEARNING to understand – to observe without judgments, without rights and wrongs, with correct and incorrect – because then I’m able to see what’s behind it all. For example, with criminals, many judge those as being absolutely wrong, distasteful and reprehensible individuals – yet there is a clear WHY behind such criminals – and that is most often a lack of money. That same principle of seeing the WHY that exists behind the HOW in myself and others on a more personal level – thus the best effects will come through when allowing myself to UNDERSTAND and GET TO KNOW others – instead of indiscriminately judging them for not fitting my ideals, and ideas of what is right and wrong.

Obviously the same goes for me – I also must accept and allow myself to when a reaction or a thought come up within me, or when I do a mistake or see a weakness I’ve created – instead of pushing it aside – apparently ‘changing’ it and thinking that I’m then ‘done’ – to accept and allow myself to ask WHY? Where are you coming from reaction, and what are you doing here? Thus accepting and allowing myself to understand my creation – in that empowering me to stand up and make definitive changes that will assist and support me as well as others in my life.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and another for a reaction that comes up, a personality that activates, or a action that is taken that isn’t what is best for all – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this as a way of motivating myself to change – where I will judge myself and what I do as being wrong, or bad – and then in that enforce a change and a direction into what is right – not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am in that disallowing myself from actually understanding and comprehending the point – and seeing from where this point is coming – and also why it is that I am creating what I am creating

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that understanding a point is a necessary prerequisite for being able to effectively change a point – and that without understanding – what is going to take place will be more of a suppression – where the apparently ‘wrong’ point will be pushed down and pushed away – and another ‘right’ behavior take it’s place – though the actual starting point will not be understood and changed – and thus the essence of who I will still remain the same – a slave to energy and experiences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for reacting, for going into a personality, and for having certain patterns that are very persistent, and that I experience as being difficult to change – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to through judging myself – actually hinder and stop myself from being able to see the mechanics behind a point – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be more gentle and inquisitive with regards to discovering and uncovering the truth and the real nature of myself – seeing, realizing and understanding that I will only ever get to the bottom if I accept and allow myself to unconditionally see, and walk through what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to apply a technique, where I will, when seeing that I compromise myself in terms of accepting and allowing myself to become emotional, go into a reaction, or a personality, to apply the bulldozer method, where I will just say to myself that ‘I am going to change that point!’ – though in that not being absolutely clear on what I am changing within myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the time, and patience to walk a process of preparation with self-forgiveness, and if I have the time, also writing about the point – realizing that in doing this I’m actively investigating the WHY of a point – and getting to an understanding of HOW it functions – and thus more specifically what I require to change and direct in order to move myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach others, and their difficulties, and weaknesses, with judgment, where I want them to change, and change immediately, using the bulldozer technique, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is not how I effectively effectuate change in my world – because in using the bulldozer technique I will more force others to be the way that I want them to be, and there won’t be an understanding, and realization in the other as to why they move as they do, as to why a particular starting point, direction or application is not effective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the priority of my application when assisting and supporting others – to empower them to become self-realized – and realize that this is the important point to convey – that the change in physical application is important – yet what is even more important is that the starting point of that change is clear and comes from within and as a point of self-realization – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move and support others from within and as judgment – instead of accepting and allowing myself to be unconditional

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, to not as I am about to assist and support another with a point, or as I am considering to do this, to take a breath, to slow down, and to look within me, so that there is no reaction, or movement inside – but that I am clear – here – specific – and ready to unconditionally give to another – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when and as I accept and allow just a slight movement within me – such as a judgment – the support will be compromised and it will not be aligned with the individualsthat is in-front of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that assistance and support can only ever be effective when there is no judgment – where there is no right and wrong – when there is no holding unto the past taking place – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice this point of when I am speaking with another – and want to show them a point – to make sure that I am clear – that I’m not driven to go there by thoughts or emotions – but that the point is unconditional – that it holds no stigma or bias – but that I am merely unconditionally giving to another a tool of empowerment so that they can stand up and make their lives more effective and potent

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I’m going into a judgment, and I want to move myself to assist and support either myself or another to change, and alter, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this movement is fueled by a judgment – which is actually a fear coming from a moral reasoning that reacting, being in a state of personality, or mind is bad – and must be immediately suppressed and fought – and thus I commit myself to instead in that moment relax – to slow down – and allow myself to investigate, be inquisitive about, and understand this particular system that I am facing – and thus take on the point of self-correction when I know what I am facing and what the solution to the point in-fact is

When and as I see that I’ve got a movement within me, of wanting to correct, and make others do the right thing, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this point of wanting others to do the right thing is in-fact a fear possession – where I don’t accept and allow myself to see that when just forcing others to do what I see is right – they won’t actually learn anything, they won’t in-fact and by their own volition motivate and move themselves – they won’t create a relationship with themselves but merely be a follower – and thus I commit myself to support others to stand independently – and do that through without judgments of right and wrong – and assist and support others to realize and move beyond their limitations – and thus not make it about morality – rather have the starting point of giving to another what I’d like to receive

Day 207: Making a Decision

Recently I’ve been walking the point of forming and creating a purpose for myself, and this have brought up some reactions of anxiety and stress – it’s quite interesting to see and I understand why this is so. It’s because I’ve not before in my life actually sat myself down to see what I can do, where I can contribute, how I can contribute, and then actually making that decision for myself as to what I am going to do. It’s definitely a challenge.

One of the points that I see is obfuscating the point of purpose for me is the emotion of fear – and stress – because usually this is the emotion that I’ve utilized in order to form a direction for myself in life. So, when I am now asking myself – where and how am I going to stand in this life? And I leave behind that point of fear as being my guidance for what I should do – what comes up within me is this point of silence and nothingness – and I realize that it’s here in this point of silence and nothingness that I must insert my new direction – my purpose – and that the reason why nothing is there already – is because I’ve not yet created anything.

The fear I want to work with in this blog is that of picking the wrong purpose – because what tends to happen is that I walk through the various options that I see would be valid for me – points in which I would be effective and that I will be able to push forward – and then when it comes to making the decision – selecting and deciding upon the way forward – what arise is fear and anxiety – because shit! What if I now select the wrong purpose? What if I realize some years into the future that I went into the wrong direction – and I didn’t go into the right direction? What if? What if?

Obviously – I must be willing to fail – I must embrace the possibility that I select a purpose for myself that simply isn’t my cup of tea – yes that is a possibility – and that some years into the future I realize that – hey! This point would suit me much better – here I would be able to really express myself and bring out my skills and life-experiences – and make the best use of them possible! This is a reality with all forms of decisions – that it might turn out to be a ineffective decision that one later realize could’ve been made in a different way.

Though if I don’t embrace and accept that possibility of failure, I’ll simply never ever make a decision – and that is not an existence worth living – just remaining stuck in a state of waiting for the right decision to emerge and come to me – not realizing that I must make the decision – walk the decision – and implement the decision – and only then will reality emerge and the point open up – and I’ll be able to see whether to take it in a different direction or follow on the course I’ve set out for myself.

Thus – the obstacle that must be removed is that of the fear of making the wrong decision – instead I must accept and allow myself to stand in the courage of walking into the unknown – making the decision and walking it and seeing what will unfold – that is the way ahead and the only way that I can actually move myself to create something – the other way is to never fail with anything – yet that will imply not ever getting out of bed in the morning and doing anything whatsoever – and what kind of life is that?

Living and making decisions implies a variable of uncertainty – a variable that is unknown that can’t be foreseen – it must be lived – and what I want to create as myself is the courage to walk into that uncertainty with my head held high – not accepting and allowing myself to remain in a position of stand-still hoping that something will come to me.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of making a decision in fear that it’s the wrong decision – and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to wait with making decisions because I somehow believe that the right decision will simply come to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be willing and embrace the possibility of making the wrong decision

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to polarize myself in relation to decision-making – wherein I on the one hand imagine me making the right decision – a decision that will bring happinessfulfillment – and enjoyment into my life – and on the other hand imagine making a decision that will make my life fruitless – boring and unfulfilling – and thus I forgive myself that accepted and allowed myself to exist between these two polarities of either the perfect decision – or the opposite of the perfect decision

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this anxiety within me of making a decision and moving forward – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to know beforehand what the decision will lead me into – what will arise from the decision – what will come from the decision – what will happen when I make the decision – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spin myself into a state of imagination in trying to calculate my future – instead of realizing that making a decision implies risk – implies a certain variable of unknown

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the decision to live courage – in making a decision – standing by that decision – and walking the consequences of that decision – and then when I’m on the other side – evaluate and look what I’m able to learn – what I’m able to take with me – what I can do more effectively – what I can do more specifically next time I stand before a decision

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a decision as to what purpose I’m going to select for myself in life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that it’s going to be the wrong purpose – that it’s going to be a purpose that will not fit me – that will not work with my life and my surroundings – and my other commitments – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can save myself from making a bad decision through not making any decision at all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in not making any decision at all – I’m merely placing myself in a state of limbo – in a state of going backwards and forwards – though never actually making a decision and moving myself upon that – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this type of forward and back motion inside myself is what generates fear and anxiety – and thus I commit myself to actually make a decision – decide upon my purpose – then walk my purpose – and stop fearing that it’s the wrong purpose – rather walk it fully – completely – with my whole being and stop the thinking that is totally unnecessary

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed within and as thinking patterns of what is a good decision – and what that will lead me into – and what is a bad decision – and what that will lead me into – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself stuck in a limbo of back and forth backchat of where to go and where not to go – instead of looking at my options – then making a decision and going with it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make a decision as to where I want to go in life – and then go with it – stop worrying – stop existing in this state of fear – stop being ridiculously careful that I don’t make the wrong decision and instead allow myself to go for it – to simply do it – to realize that each process of deliberation must come to an end and that is where action must start – and that it’s ridiculous to simply deliberate and think about what I am going to do – because that is not how I create – I create through movement and through making my decision practical – physical – real and actual

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make my decision – but instead wait with making my decision in the belief that I will be filled with godly inspiration and have some form of epiphany that will make everything crystal clear – and I see, realize and understand that unfortunately nothing in life is that crystal clear – and that the best I can get is some form of muddy shit that I can see through somewhat – and make out the contours on the other side – and that is what I have to go on – then the next step is to make the decision – walk the decision – and bring the decision into fruition

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that a faulty decision is better than an indecision – because when making a faulty decision I’ve actually made an effort – and I’ve moved myself to do something – and that is actually something that I can be proud of even though it didn’t lead to what I hoped – though a indecision is merely me standing back hoping that something will occur that then doesn’t occur – and in that I won’t have learned anything – but to stand and wait for things

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the time for waiting is now over – and that I must make a decision and move myself – and that’s just the way it is – and that is what I will do – and I realize that making a decision even though it proves to be ineffective – far outweighs the consequences of not making a decision at all

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself to make decisions when I stand before a choice

I commit myself to stand by the decisions that I make and walk them to their conclusion

I commit myself to create a purpose for myself – to decide upon a purpose and then walk it

I commit myself to not anymore wait for purpose and decisions to come to me – and thus I commit myself to actively move myself to make a decision and to stand by it

When and as fear comes up within me when making a decision, that I might be making the wrong decisions, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that following this fear will lead me into not making a decision AT ALL – and that I will remain in a limbo of simply not knowing where to go – what to do – and how to do it – and that is not how I want to lead my life – and thus I commit myself to make a decision – to see that making a decision is far better than not making a decision at all – even though the decision made is ineffective – because in making a decision – at least I’ve pushed myself and made an effort to create my life – and take responsibility for my life – and learned something through that – which will be far more valuable than just waiting for someone else to step into that position for me

Day 157: Its something wrong with me isn’t it?

Some days ago I listened an Eqafe interview about a man that died unexpectedly, yet very calmly and without any pain or discomfort. The point that hit home with me as I was listening to this Death Process Research was how this person throughout his life was in comparison to others, grounded into his physical body, and because of that experienced a relatively stable life – and he explained how this resulted in many human beings living more in their mind resisted him and approached him within a sense of inner conflict.

What this brought up within me was the point that when I see that someone in my world resists me, or have an emotional experience within themselves as they communicate or speak with me, that it’s not about ME necessarily, and that it’s not that I must change something about myself to soothe the situation, but that this particular moment can have many dimensions to it that I am not yet aware of – thus: My current approach, is that first look into myself to see if there is something that I am doing wrong, and I ask myself, why doesn’t this person like me? Why does this person become emotional around me? Is there something I am doing wrong? Is there something I should change about me? Why can’t everyone be as comfortable around me as they seem to be around person A?

Though, approaching a human-being that experience resistance, or a conflict within themselves, within these questions that I listed above, that is NOT effective, and it’s in-fact a form of insecurity and lack of self-confidence, because naturally, living self-confidence would imply that I would be stable, and the same regardless of what experience another human being approach me within and as.

Thus, I see that I require to practice this point further, to not attempt and try, and make it a goal within myself to assure that people like me, and to instead place my attention and focus on WHO I AM and what I accept and allow within and as me, and as such make certain within me that I am clear in every moment, and that I know WHO I AM, and that I know that the words I speak are what is best for all – because when that points stands – there is really nothing I am able to do to get another to like me, and there is really no point in getting another to like me if that implies me suppressing and compromising myself to fit in and present myself in a way that I hope will trigger within and as a another certain positive feelings of like and appreciation – it’s better that I instead use my time and my moments to approach people that I am more aligned with and that do not experience it as a drag to spend time with me. I mean, it’s fascinating to see how I’ve throughout my life, like a moth towards the light, been drawn to people that haven’t really aligned with me and my expression – and that I’ve due to that fought my way into friendship groups, and circles of trust – just to be accepted; While really – there has been people in my world that I’ve naturally aligned with, that have accepted me as who I am, and where I’ve been welcome – yet – those persons I’ve most of the time shut out as not being worthwhile and valuable enough to pursue a relationship with = which is ineffective.

The solution is obviously to align myself with people that I enjoy to communicate and express myself with, and where they enjoy doing the same with me, and not fight to get acceptance from someone that doesn’t seem to want in their life or world – that’s simply a waste of time.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see that someone is reacting emotionally or going into a resistance around me, to take it personally and believe that it’s something wrong with me, and that I require to change some part of me, and that I must push myself further to make sure that I am being accepted and recognized by this other person, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how obviously, it’s not something wrong with me, and that what makes another reacts, or go into resistance, is not something that I am able to control, and that I am not responsible for when I am certain that I am here, that I am clear, and that I am directive within and as myself as to what I will accept and allow and what I will not accept and allow

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that how I’ve spent much of my life, and my time here on earth attempting and trying to be accepted, and recognized by people that don’t want to recognize or accept me, and that I’ve thus attempted and try to fight myself into groups and circles of friendship, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself as who I am, and accept and allow myself to align myself with people in my world that I have and share a connection with and that I don’t have to fight or struggle to be accepted by – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my starting point as to why I interact with another, to be that of “I want to be accepted” – instead of accepting and allowing myself to instead make my starting point – that I am here – and that I express myself – and that I share myself – and that I stand responsible within and as myself as to what goes on within

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become insecure about myself when I notice that another is reacting, or going into a resistance around me, and immediately believe that this is my fault, and that it’s because I can’t express myself properly and because I don’t fit in as I should, and I don’t express the way that I should, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it’s not about me, but that what goes in within another is their process, their mind, and their responsibility, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not instead give attention to me here within and as breath, as to what I will accept and allow, and place my focus on my expression, on my body, and on my breath, and on who I am here within and as every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become insecure about myself when and as I perceive that another doesn’t respond to me within like, and appreciation, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself, through becoming dependent upon others seeing, and experiencing themselves positive around me, for me to be stable in my expression, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for not liking me, or for not being positive around me, and within this attempt and try to get them to like me, and to get them to be positive around me, in thinking that this is what I need and require for me to be stable, instead of accepting and allowing myself to stop all blame and to take full responsibility for who I am within and for what I will accept and allow and what I will not accept and allow – and thus push myself to remain stable and consistent within and as my expression and movement of myself and as such make sure that I am not dependent upon someone else in my world for me to be natural, stable and consistent within who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that I must be accepted by everyone, recognized by everyone, and liked by everyone for me to be effective in my direction and movement in life, and for me to have effective and stable relationships – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is in-fact a self-limitation, and a state of self-sabotage, wherein I believe that I require someone else to change, before I change, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not view all persons and points in my world as self-support, and that when a emotion or feeling come up within me, that I utilize this moment as a moment of self-reflection, and seeing what programs still exists within me that I require to change and align into and as physical equality and oneness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept the fact that I can’t have everyone like me, and within this also realize, that the point is not that everyone should like me, or that everyone should be positive, and have an experience of friendship towards me, but that the point is instead that I make sure that I am stable, that I am here, that I am aligned into and as my human physical body and that I take responsibility for the points coming up within me, and that I align them into and as self-correction – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my life is a training ground, wherein I am facing all aspects of my mind, and that for each and every reaction coming up within me, there is an opportunity for me to get to know myself better, and to correct myself and push myself further to stand as physical stability and groundedness within and as every moment of breath

Self-commitments

I commit myself to practice self-confidence when and as I am moving myself throughout my life, through when and as I face situations wherein I perceive that another is resistant, or reacts towards me in a negative experience, that I don’t accept and allow this to influence my expression, but that I instead remain stable, silent, and grounded – and that I remain within and as breath and that I don’t go into insecurity and fear in wondering whether there is something wrong with me – and thus I commit myself to trust myself

I commit myself to stop attempting and trying, and searching to achieve acceptance from people in my world that I perceive to not like me, or not appreciate me, and I instead commit myself to place my focus and attention upon me, on who I am, and how I experience myself, and what I will accept and allow, and what I will not accept and allow – thus I commit myself to practice having my presence HERE with ME and my human physical body at all times – and not get sidestepped and begin looking at things from the perspective of how I believe others see or experience me

Day 134: Being Right and Being Wrong

Today as I was working, I ended up in a conversation with some customers – and we discussed the city that we live in. I mentioned some facts about the city, where they are building something new, and where they are making repairs. One of the customers filled in my descriptions, and in that it was revealed that some of my assertions wasn’t correct. In that moment I felt attacked, and embarrassed.

Afterwards I asked myself why it is that I reacted to this, and I realized that it’s because I place value on a idea of myself as being correct and right when it comes to information, and knowing things – when I do not know, or I am not right, I tend to see myself as worthless. Further, I saw that I define myself as intelligent, and that I keep up this persona of intelligence through saying things that are right – sharing the ‘right’ information – and when I fail in doing this I will go into the opposite polarity of feeling stupid and embarrassed.

The main problem that I see is as such my tendency to base myself in this intelligence, and academia persona, which I do because I believe that without it, I would apparently be inferior and less than. So, the inferior, and less than experience – that is what is the driving force within it all, and it’s this experience that I want to avoid and run away from.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that the foundation of me is worthless, and useless, and that I require, and must build on top of this foundation a idea, and a superior character, that is intelligent, and that is filled with academic facts – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself as my natural self-expression, and instead live, and strive, and move myself form within and as trying to gain respect, and trying to gain worth, and trying to gain recognition, thinking, believing and perceiving that this is something I lack otherwise

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive, and believe that I must always be right, that I must know the most exact, profound, and intricate academic facts, and that I must show to others how conversant, and familiar I am with a particular topic – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dream, and desire, to create myself in my daily living to become the idea of intelligence, and supreme cognitive abilities, thinking, perceiving and believing that this would add to my value, and that it’s only through achieving and attaining this point that my life will be of any value

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive, and believe that when I say something that is wrong, and that is not correct, and this is pointed out to me, that I am attacked, and that I am threatened, and that my value, and worth have now declined, and I have made a fool out of myself, and as such I require to get back, to get up, and to make sure that I am yet again noticed, and seen for my great cognitive abilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being stupid, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto an idea of myself, especially in regards to mathematics, that I am quite stupid, that I simply don’t get it, and that I am as such not as valuable and worthy as others are, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself, be hard on myself, and feel that there is something wrong with me, and that the only way I am able to rehabilitate this particular problem, is through making sure that I build a character, and personality of myself in the world system that is recognized, and that is awarded with praise

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider, and define myself as being without a inherent worth, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that without having achieved something in the system, without having gained a position, a recognition, a skill, and appraisal, then I am nothing, and thus my life is worth nothing – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself through my life strive to present myself as being in control, as being right, as having the correct, specific, and relevant knowledge, so that I am as such able to impress people, and build up my résumé, so that I can feel valuable – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take personally, and feel attacked, and subjugated, and assaulted, when and as someone point out to me that my knowledge, my seeing, and my definitions are not correct – and are not right

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value myself as a person that is always right – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pride myself in feeling that I am always right, and I always know the correct answer, and I always know what to say, and what not to say, when to say it, and when not to say it – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself hold unto, and pride myself within and as a idea of myself as being intelligent, and insightful, thinking that I am able to know lot’s of knowledge, and I am able to be right about most things, and because of this I am apparently worth something more than others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto memories of my mother telling me that I am good in school, that I am effective at learning, and that I could go and do whatever it is that I want to do, because that’s how effective, and stable, and directive I am – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in a positive experience towards this memory, and feel within that memory uplifted, boosted, and elevated – to feel as if; “Yes, finally I get the recognition that I deserve!” – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to manifest and re-create this moment, and this experience in my daily living, over, and over, and over again – believing that this is the only way I am able to live self-worth, and value, and that this is the only way I am able to accept myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself unconditionally, and in this see, realize and understand, that I can’t be right all of the time, and that whether I am right or wrong, doesn’t in-fact define me unless I accept and allow it, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be unconditional with myself, and accept and allow myself to share myself with others, without trying to gain recognition, and achieve to have others see me as intelligent, and academically effective, but that I instead accept myself, worth myself, and love myself – and appreciate myself – and that this is something that I do unconditionally without attempting, trying, and wanting another to do this for me

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am reacting in my mind, because I feel that I have made a fool out of myself, because I have not said something that is right, correct, and factual, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that whether I say something that is correct, or incorrect, I don’t require to define myself according to this – but that I can instead accept myself unconditionally, and value myself unconditionally – and as such be free from my own judgments; and as such I commit myself to breathe – and to speak, and express myself as self-value and self-worth – not trying to achieve this through being recognized by others – but instead speaking as these words through not worrying, or defining myself according to whether, or whether not I am correct or incorrect

When and as I see that I am feeling worthless, and embarrassed because I’ve said something that wasn’t correct, and I within that feel attacked, and made to be less when someone points this point out, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I do not require to define myself according to whether, or whether not I am right, or not right, and that obviously – the value of me as the physical is always the same regardless of whether I have the correct facts or not; and as such I commit myself to remain stable and not define myself according to the words I speak and the information I share – but to let the information I share be but information I share – nothing more and nothing less

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