Day 82: Wrong, Wrong, Wrong!

School – such a cool place for facing the mind as what I’ve become, as mental patterns, head on.

wrong-pano_13178Today I faced myself going into a character that I will name the “I am wrong-character” – and this point activated as I excitedly stretched my hand into the air during my lesson, and proceeded to answer a question, but then it turned out that my answer wasn’t correct. Hence, I experienced myself dismayed, and noticed a particular heavy energy in me. This energy is more specifically the energy of depression, and uselessness, because apparently I require my teacher’s approval, for me to not go into a dismayed state of being in relation to my studies. This is obviously not something that have to exist within me, and thus I am able to change my experience towards answering questions in school, wherein I won’t go into a positive state of being when my teacher recognizes me as being right, and I won’t go into a negative state of being when my teacher tells me that I am wrong; I will simply be the same, and within that look objectively at the information my teacher is relaying, and accordingly align myself so that I have the correct understanding of the course-material I am immersing myself within.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a reaction of and as dismay, depression, and feeling useless, when and as I perceive that I’d been wrong, and that I’ve not answered a specific question from my teacher correctly – within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself limit myself in answering questions, in only wanting to be right when and as I ask questions, not realizing that the point of asking questions, or answering questions, is not to be right, but to check whether my knowledge and information is effectively aligned with and as the course material

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it personal that point about answering questions in school, thinking, perceiving, and believing that it’s about my character, and my integrity, and honor, to be able to answer the question correctly, and to be able to show my classmates that I was able to answer the question correctly, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, and bring myself back here – and within this see, realize, and understand that answering a question is nothing personal, it’s merely me answering a question – nothing more, and nothing less; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the point of answer, or not answer questions, more than what the point in-fact is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed within and as, and by and as the desire to be appreciated by my teacher, and to earn respect from my class, in wanting them to see me as being intelligent and having right, and answering questions in a good way, and in a positive way, that leads to the correct answer; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here, and see, realize, and understand that in searching for the recognition from another, I am forgetting about myself, and the actual practical point that exists within and as answer questions, or asking questions – and the point is that I learn more, and enable myself to effectively walk through my education, and so to speak: “get out on the other side” – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a deep breath, and to bring myself back here – and stop myself from going into the mode of being wherein I want to show-off and prove to each and everyone around that I am the best, the most profound, and the most effective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it implies success, and it implies honor, and me expanding myself, when and as I answer a question from the teacher correctly, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel positive, and to go into a high of feeling accomplished, and feeling that “I’ve made it” and that there is “nothing that can stop me now” – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not simply answer the question, and within that remain unconditional and not have a desire for either being right, or a fear of being wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a deep, physical breath when and I answer questions in school, and as such stabilize myself here in my physical body, and make sure that I speak from “here” and that I speak unconditionally, and share myself without a secret agenda, without secret desire to get something out of the moment wherein I am able to feel in a specific way, and to think about myself in a specific way, but that I instead simply speak, and share myself here, and accept and allow myself to participate within and as the moment without a secret agenda that I am trying to fulfill, and get through into and as reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as my mind when my teacher asks me a question, wherein I instead of answering the question here naturally within and as breath, and physical self-movement, that I take the point into my mind and then blow it out of proportion, wherein I create the point within me to be this giant test, this challenge that I must prevail within and make sure that I get out on the other side, so that I am able to show everyone how good I am, and how much in control I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to give the picture, and image to others that I am in control, that I know what I am doing, and that I am able to live and direct my life effectively, and that nobody can fuck with me in that; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly, in a way, be in a state of war within myself, wherein I am trying to push myself to be that which I think others want me to be, instead of me living, and participating here, naturally with and as myself in each and every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I answer a question in school, to pressure myself in wanting to be right, think that if I am not right, then this is a major, gigantic, and complete failure on my part, and that I must push myself to be right, because being wrong is simply not acceptable, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, and bring myself back here, and see, realize, and understand that I’ve created these massive ideas around what it means to be right, and what it means to be wrong, instead of accepting and allowing myself to live, and walk, unconditionally, fully, and completely here in self-acceptance in every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that when I achieve to have others see me as intelligent, and successful, and I am able to have others see me as being unique, then I’ve apparently succeeded, and then I am able to be cool with myself, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be completely possessed, controlled, and directed by an idea in my mind of how I should become in the future, and how I should be seen by other people, instead of accepting, and allowing myself to live HERE in each and every moment of breath, and thus not in anyway compromise myself to and as the mind, but remain effective, steadfast, and precise in and as my self-movement – wherein I know what I am doing, and that what I am doing is that I am living myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive, and believe that without being acknowledged for how I answer a question, I am not worth anything, and thus I am useless, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive, and believe that my worth as an individual is based upon how many I can get to look at me in a positive light, how many I am able to convert so to speak, as in seeing me as being a effective, stable, and nice human-being that they’d also be like; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here to and as my human physical body, and within this accept and allow myself to realize that I don’t have to search for, and attempt and try to acquire the acceptance of others, because I can accept myself, and I am able to give to myself that which I’ve desired through-out my life – which is me being comfortable with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive, and believe, that in order for me to “be somebody” I must make sure that everyone knows about me, and sees me in a positive light, wherein they regard me as being special, as being highly intelligent, as being highly disciplined, as being highly effective, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for affirmation, and acceptance, and recognition outside of myself, wherein I am looking to stabilize myself through acquiring a particular energetic experience; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss the simplistic point of living, and participating here with no mind, no thinking, and no feeling; and within this I see, realize, and understand that the key to real stability, and that the key to fulfillment, is stopping the mind, and not accepting and allowing myself to anymore be a slave to energy – but that I practice, and perfect the skill as myself as being self-directed, and self-motivated, thus not anymore requiring, or needing that another perceive me as cool, intelligent, or effective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive, and believe that the most important point in my life is what others think about me, and that unless I am able to have others think about me in a positive light, and see me as being a particular strong, effective, and positive human-being, that then there is apparently something wrong with me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my adult life to be about searching for that complete acceptance, that complete feeling of being loved, and having a purpose, a meaning, and a context – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a deep breath, and bring myself back here, and too within this push myself to get out of this possession, so that I am able to live my life, and direct myself to make decisions, and walk my life, without being worried, or fearful as to what others might, or might not think about me

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into a state of being wherein I want to gain the acceptance, and recognition from others, and be seen by others as being positive, as being good, and as being recognized, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here; and I see, realize, and understand that – this is not a solution for me to feel accepted, this is not a solution for me to be stable, this is not a solution for me to be effective, this is not a solution for me to ground myself, and bring myself back here – and live within and as physical considerations here; as such I commit myself to stop searching, and instead start living HERE and practice the point of physical, practical awareness of myself, and my surroundings – and within this stop being my mind as energy, and instead stand here with and as substance, as the physical

When and as I see that I go into and as a reaction of taking it personally whether I am right, or wrong when I answer a question that the teacher asks, and I make it big emotional experience of feeling worthless, and useless, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and within this I see, realize, and understand that I am creating something big, and something huge, out of something that is really not that important – and that this experience I am having is in-fact in no way a necessary point for me to walk through; as such I commit myself to not take my school personally, to not take my grades personally, to not take critique, and being right, or wrong personally, but to instead move myself with and as breath, with and as physical movement here – with and as my body as breath wherein there is no mind as energy disturbing my presence and stability here

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One thought on “Day 82: Wrong, Wrong, Wrong!

  1. Pingback: Consequences of a Negative Relationship to the Word 'Discipline': DAY 448 | Anna's Journey to Life

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